To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

[Elephant1079]

Had a recent loss of my brother - we are both in our mid thirties. It was a sudden and unexpected death - he was not unwell beforehand.

Since it happened I have been living life in a fog of grief. On the edge of crying most of the time. I feel like a part of me has gone.

I keep reading online that grief never goes away and you just ‘grow around it’ but I don’t really understand that, and I honestly don’t think I can manage feeling like this for the next ~50 years. It’s making me feel complete doom and despair.

So Aibu to ask anyone who has experienced the loss of a close family member - do you ever feel normal again?

My experience is that it takes longer when the death is sudden, traumatic or unexpected, and when the person is young. Whereas for me I've found older relatives deaths to be easier to process and come to terms with.

You don’t get over it but you learn to live with it or maybe you cope better

mainly as no choice - friends always said I was so brave and they couldn’t imagine coping the way I did - and I would say no choice

time really does help

dh died 14yrs ago when we were both 37 after being together 19yrs which seems crazy now as sometimes feels like yesterday that I last spoke /saw /cuddled/kissed him

on the whole I am happy now. Life is different to how I imagined it with him

I ended up meeting dh2 and having mini blondes 🥰 after never expecting to be a mum tho really wanted to be

dh2 and I split last year so a different kind of grief I had to deal with

obv divorce isn’t the same as death but still a loss

but yes you will learn to cope better. Sounds like it is early weeks /months for you so don’t be hard on yourself

the first year is the hardest as each memory is we did this last year

people said to me at the time , that time is a healer and I thought what bollocks - but it is true. Time does help

sorry for your loss 💐💐

Absolutely this. All deaths are sad for the families of the loved ones, but it’s the tragedy in the loss of a young life. There is no peace in remembering they lived a long happy life, when they died in their 30’s. It’s the fact life isn’t fair, they missed half a life and more and it’s utterly tragic.

My great aunt died at 89 and we were all gutted and sad but we could smile at her wake and laugh at the stuff she used to do. There was peace in the fact she lived a long life and some people aren’t lucky enough to get that privilege. In contrast I went to funeral of a friends child who was 11 and my goodness that was the most gut wrenching experience I’ve ever witnessed. There was no smiles at the wake, it was absolutely horrendous to watch the grief of the girls patents. It’s not the natural order of things. Everyone was crying, it was impossible not to.

OP take it easy and be kind to yourself. Your brother was young and that will absolutely have a more distressing impact. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I’m so sorry, it’s incredibly hard.

I think your ‘normal’ shifts. It will never be what it was. Life is so different. And, over time, you adjust to that. This new reality becomes your normal. And you can absolutely have happiness within it. But it’s never what it was.

I also think losing a child must be the worst thing as no one expects to lose and bury their child

you are meant to outlive your child

I’ve survived dh dying
I’ve survived my darling mum dying

but I don’t think I could or would want to survive if mini blondes died. I don’t have any other dc. I’m single and the pain of losing a child must be harder then a dh/parent /sibling

So sorry for the loss of your brother. My experience is this.
When someone you love dies, you immediately start wearing this invisible back pack of grief. Packed inside are emotions/loss, grief and pain. It’s so heavy you can’t think straight as all you can think about is the weight of the back pack. It digs in, it physically hurts you.

Yo will never take it off.

Over time, personally it took me 18 months to feel remotely ‘normal’, it felt less heavy - as I was used to carrying it around. All the grief was still inside it but I got used to wearing it and it hurt less. 12 years on, I sometimes don’t realise I’m wearing it but then this morning (I have something going on personally at present), the back pack started digging in and I could feel the familiar ache of sorrow at missing that person and I had a cry and so wanted to talk to them.

You will have a different normal.

Sending you so much love OP.

My beautiful daughter died 11 years ago on the 5th August at 3 months old. It was the most heartbreaking moment of my entire life and I vividly remember the feeling of my old life’s door slamming shut.
Grief changes you. There is no denying or doubt about it. I am most certainly not the same woman that I was before this moment in time. But what I have learnt is that it is possible to live again. I will carry her with me always. And that grief will forever be there…but it changes over time. Some days feel easier than others, some days you will be hit with a tidal wave of grief and feel floored. But you will one day find a way of living alongside that grief. Heartfelt hugs my darling 💜

I’ll answer your question truthfully and based on my personal experience.

I don’t believe that the “you grow around the grief” type mantra is true, nor the “it doesn’t get any easier, but you learn to live with it”. For me, I’d say grief DOES fade in time. It DOES get easier - much easier, in fact. And for me, after 3 very significant close losses which, at the time, I felt like I would never get past, I can honestly say that in every case, my life has gone back to normal, eventually.

I have the odd moment of thinking about them of course, but it’s not consuming. It’s not a big thing anymore, it’s usually just a fleeting thought, although some days can still be worse than others. Life is, for the most part, as normal as it was before, although it’s a new/adapted normal.

I found this incredibly comforting, and thought it explained the grief process really well.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

And I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss

You won’t feel like this for the rest of your life. However, that ‘normal’ is gone but you’ll find a new one. I am a different person, with an altered outlook and I’ve had to adjust to aspects of life that have changed vastly. Many things are harder and more difficult to navigate like family dynamics but there can be positives. I now live with an ever present awareness that life can change in a heartbeat and that it can be cut short- that’s not to say I’m out there every day vibing off adrenaline fuelled pursuits or other such shit- but I now live much more in the moment and feel more liberated to wear my heart on my sleeve, say what needs to be said and pursue what pleases me.

@Kdub I'm so sorry for your loss. My db died after a short illness almost 18 months ago. He was also my only sibling and he was 12 months younger than me. I had a bit of a wobble yesterday as I was somewhere he used to frequent but mostly I have accepted it. I'll never stop missing him.

I lost my mam suddenly almost 7 years ago. She was on holiday, felt unwell just before travelling home… she did have crohans disease but it was managed… she had an appointment with her consultant the day after she got back so refused to go to hospital.. I lived 400 miles away at the time and she promised me she was alright, she text me during the night to say they were putting her in a coma but she was ok it was just for her body to rest. She died of sepsis the next morning before I could get a flight. I learned to manage my emotions but I’ve never been the same since. Then exactly the same thing happened to my dad in February while I was in Florida with my kids. I move through life with a heavy heart, gutted I am early 30s with 2 young kids who don’t have maternal grandparents anymore. I feel I could explode at any time and I too wonder if I will ever feel ‘normal’ again… I don’t think I will - their deaths have completely changed my life, my thought processes, how much shit I take off others. I’m so sorry, it’s a new life you learn to live whilst everyone else’s life moves on and continues xx

When someone dies, ppl often say “ one day at a time “ when my mum died it was one second at a time for what felt like forever.
Even now, 4 years later, I smell her perfume on a stranger and it’s like she’s right there.
I see a top in Sainsbury’s she would like; it’s like she’s there. For me, butterfly’s , robins etc are all symbols she’s here; just not visible now. That works for me , others will poo poo it, that’s fine . You do you xx be kind to yourself xx

@FridayFeelingmidweek I do think people underestimate the devastation caused by the death of a sibling. Everyone obviously were very sympathetic to my dm and df as their ds had died but I was an afterthought. I'm now an only child which is not what I ever thought I'd be as the elder sibling.

I found this years ago when my mother died and always kept it as found it so profound and ultimately true. Someone had posted much the same as you and this was someone’s answer:

On surviving grief
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

best wishes to you Xxxx

I lost both parents in 2020. 5 years on and I can think of them and smile, although sometimes, something will hit me ( a song on the radio, a t.v program, etc), which will bring those feelings of loss back, but they are getting fewer now. I don't think I will ever get back to what I used to consider "normal", but I can live with my "new normal" and I think the key to that is accepting that things will never be how they were, but the cloud will lift with time although it will never disappear completely.
Sorry for your loss and may the happy memories of him give you some comfort.

I was widowed when young and the initial grief gradually resolved, but I always felt empty. Even the subsequent happy times seemed clouded and slightly 'off'. It was like a constant companion standing behind me as a reminder that even happiness is temporary and can be taken away at any time. It revealed the pain and ugliness of life that's usually hidden.

I lost my DH 6 years ago. Most of the time I feel fine sometimes it hits really hard and the last couple of months have almost completely floored me. Not because I miss him, I don’t particularly any more but for the kids and what he and they have lost

Yes my brother died too. It’s been 2 years now. These past 2 years has been the worst period of my life I’d say. I miss him so much, he was my gig partner, my confidant and we used to chat on the phone 3 ish times per day. I don’t know what to say really about it. It’s so hurtful and I still cry at least once a week about him. The pain of it is getting slightly easier now though. At first it’s the initial shock then it’s the bit when you truly miss them, their voice, phone calls and texts

Someone said to me that, over time, the one you have lost lives less in your head and more in your heart.
I think this is true, you never get over it but live along side their memory, “in your heart.”

I lost my DH, to Covid, in 2023. My world fell apart, losing my 24/7 person, and the love of my life.

But, gradually, day by day, the pain eases.

I didn’t want counselling or medication, but time is a healer.

Not easy though. 💐

Oh man, this is hard. I lost my brother nearly 11 years ago to cancer. Even though I knew he was dying, it didn't really help with the feeling of loss. Actually it felt more like theft. Not only was he taken, but part of my identity was taken too. No longer a sister, no longer the same person. I lost my job (as I was on probation) and gave up my career and trained in something else completely, which felt more 'me'. That's helped. But you need to be very very gentle on yourself and take each day as it comes. Big hugs xxx

The overwhelming pain will gradually soften over time. It will always be there but not as raw. It took me about four years to fully adjust to the sudden loss of my Mum.

Damaged by losing loved ones, so heaven knows what it's like to an extremely close loved one. Whenever I see my brother, although I'm not incredibly close, my heart aches at the thought of loss, and I worry. Heck even those friends on the periphery can do a number on you.

I'm really sorry that you are having this to cope with. I lost my childhood sweetheart and found it very hard for years. It was only once I talked about it to a therapist that the loss stopped being completely front and centre of my life.

I think that the fact that you have posted here is very positive, because somehow grief and loss is much harder when it's kept secret. I am glad that you talked about it.

Take care there Xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. Following as I lost my brother six weeks ago he was 38 yr old. Hoping we can both find some peace in time but it’s still so hard and raw