15yo dd didn’t call on my birthday

[Ethina]

My 15yo dd didn’t call me on my birthday. I turned 50. She texted and said she’d call at some point but she never did. She is away at a camp and having a great time so I understand she got distracted but I can’t help feeling disappointed.

On a related note my children barely keep in contact anytime they are away on campus or staying with friends, we have had discussions about this in the past but nothing had ever changed. Some of my friends can barely go half a day without their teens blowing up their phone with messages, asking when their mum will be home etc, but I don’t get that from mine.

I am beginning to think I have made mistakes as their mother. I don’t work so I am always there for them, we are close as a family, dh and I rarely go out and we never go away without them, but clearly something is making them not miss me/us when they’re away.

anyone else’s teens like this?

Camp, not campus

I feel so upset for you. This could so easily happen in my (very loving) household. We do so much for them and they can be so thoughtless. My adored dd who I am so close to didn’t get me a Mother’s Day card and I felt so sad despite trying hard to think I didn’t mind. I did. That of thoughtless of your daughter and you must pull her up on it, as I abandoned putting on a brave face and told her directly she had hurt me and I deserved better. Your daughter will love you so much but does not reminded to be thoughtful. Wishing you a happy 50th.

You haven't made mistakes. You've created confident kids who are getting ready to make their way in the world. Having them constantly call you isn't a good thing.

It's a good thing they don't miss you, as hard as that feels. You've done the job you set out to do.

Does she live with you?

She's at camp, I doubt there's much wiggle room for calling parents. I would give her a pass on this one

I think it's completely normal, and healthy for teens to not be in touch with their parents at sleepovers or when they are away. It means she's able to function alone, and isn't sitting on her phone all the time with her friends. Personally I think this means you've done something right, no teenager should be having to ring their parents everyday when they are away from home

My thoughts exactly. Mother’s Day and birthdays are much of a muchness, and I say that as someone who likes a celebration as much as the next normal person. But if my DC is off having the time of their lives and forgets to send me a card or a text, that’s fine.

I’d like to think I’ll be taking advantage of them not being around and having too much fun of my own to even notice.

Thanks for responding. Yes she lives with us. About the camp they do have free time
in the evenings so a quick call would have been possible. I agree in principle, I’m glad she’s having fun and not feeling homesick or anything like that but still…

Teens can occasionally be a bit thoughtless particularly when out having fun. It sounds like you have happy well-adjusted kids but perhaps haven’t got enough life of your own or time with DH. Focus on that in this next decade of your life.

I think it's pretty normal for this age. They have to go through a separation phase from their parents in order to grow into independent adults and this can manifest in thoughtless behaviour like this. It doesn't feel nice but it's better than ending up with a 25 year old that isn't capable of making a life of their own.

She sent a text - what else do you need? I don't think I have ever, in 60 years, telephoned anyone on their birthday, nor they me. Is it a thing?
Your children sound fantastic, and you have brought them up to be confident and sensible. A child constantly phoning would worry me hugely as being clingy, lazy or somehow incapable.

Whilst I agree the aim of parenting is to raise confident, independent teens, I'd add thoughtful and considerate to that list. Making a call on your Mum's birthday is not a big ask nor a massive imposition even when away at camp.
If your dd realises that, and genuinely apologises, showing she understands why you were hurt by the lack of a call, then you know she's heading in the right direction OP. If not, I'd explain that you were sad that she hadnt called.
They're still learning as teenagers so I wouldn't make a massive deal of it. But if parents don't guide them, how will they learn to consider other people's feelings as well as their own?

This, I would expect a teenager in a summer camp to just get on and enjoy themselves, I'm sure she'll make it up to you when she returns.

I wouldn’t think twice about this. She sent a text which is great.

she is a teen enjoying a bit of independence and not always thinking about home. Let her enjoy that.

I don't think I have ever, in 60 years, telephoned anyone on their birthday, nor they me. Is it a thing?
Yes it's most definitely 'a thing'. In my experience in pretty much every family I know.

I'm over 60 and it's a thing in my (immediate) family (and we are pretty laid back about things like birthdays). My siblings and I would always speak to our parents on their birthdays. I can remember standing in phone boxes decades ago calling home when I was a student.

She texted.
She's 15 and with mates at camp. Why would she miss you?!
No teenager wants to have to shoulder the burden of parental neediness.

You sound utterly dependent on them. You don’t work so you can be there - they’re at school, you don’t NEED to be there. You don’t go out with your dh, you never go away without them. That is really unhealthy and I’d be worried for the state of your marriage once they’ve left home. You’re enmeshed.

They sound perfectly normal healthy teens despite their mother’s entire existence being totally focussed on them.

She texted, she didn't forget, she's off being confident and independent and enjoying herself. These are all good things. Being disappointed you didn't get a phone call on top is unreasonable. She sounds much healthier than your friends' kids constantly contacting.

She was distracted in the intense atmosphere of camp. Dont give it a second thought.

Yes my boys are like this and worse.

When children have a secure attachment when they reach the teen years they focus away from parents to their peer group. So they are just doing what nature intended. And she did text at least so was thinking of you. And at that moment she did mean to call.

You clearly want to talk to her. So why don't you give her a ring? It is your birthday after, so you can indulge what you want a little bit today.

but clearly something is making them not miss me/us when they’re away.

Yes, the fact that they feel very secure and confident, You’ve done your job! Teens are notoriously self-absorbed a lot of the time, though, so it doesn’t surprise me that they don’t get in touch when they’re having a great time! Be thankful that your dc feel free to live their lives. It’s a wonderful gift! I’m sure they’ll become more thoughtful as they mature. I’m sorry you didn’t get your call, but maybe she was out of battery at the relevant time or the signal was poor. She obviously had you in mind when she texted.

I think you are being unreasonable as DD sent a text (so didn’t actually forget your birthday).

Teens don’t really call these days. My family text/message on birthdays. I would love my DC to call but I’m not sure they would if they were away but I understand why it makes you feel sad/unappreciated.

I've never expected to hear from my DC when they're away on trips. I never contacted my parents either.

I honestly can't imagine hoping for anything other than that they're having a great time. Its.not our DC's job to make us feel loved, only the other way around.

She acknowledged your birthday with a text, why did you need a phone call aswell?
I’d be more happy that my kid was confident and enjoying her time at camp. It’s a bit needy to want a text and a phone call in my opinion.

On mum’s BIRTHDAY??

She sent a text. I'd be glad one of mine is having so much fun that they forgot to ring.