15yo dd didn’t call on my birthday

[Ethina]

My 15yo dd didn’t call me on my birthday. I turned 50. She texted and said she’d call at some point but she never did. She is away at a camp and having a great time so I understand she got distracted but I can’t help feeling disappointed.

On a related note my children barely keep in contact anytime they are away on campus or staying with friends, we have had discussions about this in the past but nothing had ever changed. Some of my friends can barely go half a day without their teens blowing up their phone with messages, asking when their mum will be home etc, but I don’t get that from mine.

I am beginning to think I have made mistakes as their mother. I don’t work so I am always there for them, we are close as a family, dh and I rarely go out and we never go away without them, but clearly something is making them not miss me/us when they’re away.

anyone else’s teens like this?

@Ethina if it helps, I doubt the teenagers who are constantly texting their parents are particularly missing them or having meaningful conversations.

A snapshot of the messages I get from my teenagers:

"Are you going to the shop?"
"Can I cook insert whatever they've seen in the fridge"
"What did you ask me to do before you left?"
Or some sort of logistics update around work / college / social stuff

Only my 9 year old calls because he misses me or to tell me he loves me.

I would have called my DM when I was 15. I’m pretty certain that neither of my DSs would have called me though - I’d have been satisfied with a text. Not sure what that says about my parenting!

OP, she’s having a great time at camp. I’d focus on the positives - she’s not crying down the phone wanting to come home. She is building independence and a love of the outdoors and getting on well with others. She sent a birthday text - let that be enough this year.

My 15 yr old doesn't even speak to any of us in the same house! Unless he wants to educate us about something he's seen online.

Dd only texts for permission to do things.

If any of us go away without the other (work trip/ holiday), we don't really tend to message. No need, if everyone's happy.

Fwiw, I didn't even speak to my dad on his 50th. No idea what he'd done, but i was fumming(!) With him.

Why don’t you go out with your husband? Or go away for breaks etc without the kids?? You need to start- you’re entitled to a life! Start to focus more on yourself and your marriage @Ethina

Congratulations! You have confident self assured and happy kids he don’t feel the need to run to you every two seconds. At 15 they are at peak selfishness. This will continue for a few years. Once she’s back from camp have a specific birthday party, or cake cutting, and make it clear to your husband that you expect him to Get them to play their part.

She is clearly lacking a lot of maturity.
No, kids should not be glued to their phones at camp. But remembering her mum's milestone birthday and taking 5 minutes to call you (when she said she would) is all part of being a grown up.
But no, it's all me me me and how much fun she is having isn't it?

I think you mentioned that you are always with your children and you don't work - that may be the reason why they don't call you. I used to call my mum every after school to let her know I got home safely - I maintained this routine to a much lesser extent in my early adult life. However, there was a period when she wasn't working was a home all the time - I never called or checked in as she was always around. Maybe you centre yourself too much around your family.

Happy birthday. Teens are different and needing to be in constant contact with their parents isn’t necessarily a healthy sign. DD remembered your birthday so she does have you in mind, but then probably got involved in something that made it hard to phone, then forgot. She’s individuating which is a great sign. You’ve done well!

I understand why you’re upset, but she didn’t forget did she? She texted you, wished you a happy birthday and said she’d call - she likely got distracted in the evening. If you find it this upsetting, maybe don’t send her away over your birthday?

If you don't work and you're always with them then there may well take you for granted. You need to become your own person with a life of your own and they are more likely to respect you as they grow into adults.

This.
You need to get over yourself and get some interests of your own and not being so inward looking.

It's probably not that easy for your daughter to ring you, rather than text. They'll have planned activities that she has to join in with, and she'll be enjoying herself with her friends. And she may not have enough signal to make a voice call anyway.

As others have said, be glad you have brought up a confident young lady who can take part in group activities wholeheartedly and isn't sitting glued to her phone or feeling homesick

It's not like her daughter forgot. She texted to wish her mum happy birthday.

I agree that it means she is confident and not clingy and needy! It doesn’t mean she loves you any less, just that she’s busy doing her thing with her mates. Although it feels hard I think it means you have an actually done an amazing job of raising her. 15 year olds aren’t known for their sense of duty and empathy. Don’t give it another thought

Really really eon't worry. I'm impressed she remembered to text!

It's a good thing that she is having too much fun on her camp to be ringing you. I'd be more concerned if she was spending all her time ringing/messaging. This is the prime age for moving focus away from the family unit and to her friends. You should be glad that is happening - it can be a problem if it doesn't.