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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15yo dd didn’t call on my birthday

89 replies

Ethina · 14/08/2025 17:24

My 15yo dd didn’t call me on my birthday. I turned 50. She texted and said she’d call at some point but she never did. She is away at a camp and having a great time so I understand she got distracted but I can’t help feeling disappointed.

On a related note my children barely keep in contact anytime they are away on campus or staying with friends, we have had discussions about this in the past but nothing had ever changed. Some of my friends can barely go half a day without their teens blowing up their phone with messages, asking when their mum will be home etc, but I don’t get that from mine.

I am beginning to think I have made mistakes as their mother. I don’t work so I am always there for them, we are close as a family, dh and I rarely go out and we never go away without them, but clearly something is making them not miss me/us when they’re away.

anyone else’s teens like this?

OP posts:
redskydelight · 14/08/2025 19:21

I think a text is fine. She didn't forget.

I wouldn't expect a teen to stay in touch with me when they were on camp.

tinytemper66 · 14/08/2025 19:23

I run many trips with school and we have to prompt some to ring home to tell their parents they are still alive!

BauhausOfEliott · 14/08/2025 19:28

I think you’re being very needy and over-sensitive here. She’s a kid, away at camp with a day packed with activities, and she got in touch by text. It’s not like she forgot it was your birthday - she messaged and wished you a happy birthday so what’s the big deal, really?

GravyBoatWars · 14/08/2025 19:51

I think it's ok to feel disappointed that your DD didn't make time to call, but I also think you're reading far too much into this.

I'm about a generation younger than you and now that I'm an adult I take the time to call my parents and older relatives on special occasions because I understand that a call is more meaningful to them than a text, and they call me on my birthday and I'm appreciative because I know that's them showing they care. But if I'm being completely honest I don't look forward to having to answer the phone for these calls and would love texts instead. It's fairly normal for teens, especially busy ones, to lack the level of empathy and awareness of others to think "I texted but mum will be really hurt if I don't also call because phone calls are so much more meaningful to her." They're still developing that awareness and perspective.

caringcarer · 14/08/2025 19:56

Cynic17 · 14/08/2025 17:44

She sent a text - what else do you need? I don't think I have ever, in 60 years, telephoned anyone on their birthday, nor they me. Is it a thing?
Your children sound fantastic, and you have brought them up to be confident and sensible. A child constantly phoning would worry me hugely as being clingy, lazy or somehow incapable.

Of course it's a thing to call parents on their landmark birthdays. OP's DD was thoughtless. She should try harder. A five minute call would have meant the world to her Mum.

aniataniamania · 14/08/2025 19:57

oh no, don't be one of those mums

editing to add I'd more concerned they allow phone at camp.

myladyjane · 14/08/2025 20:03

Doesn't seem fair to call op needy and sensitive (happy birthday op!). My 50th felt noteworthy in a way my 48th didn’t for example and I appreciated feeling loved and cherished by my loved ones. It’s ok for the OP to feel a bit sad and wistful that her dd wasn’t around for that.

but I do agree that the response you did get was fairly typical and not unloving. My teens would have been the same and also happily ignore me all the time. I miss them loads more than they miss me and that’s as it should be.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/08/2025 20:08

It sounds like you’ve given them a loving and close family life and they’re secure enough that it will be there when they get back. Secure attachment.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/08/2025 20:14

Isobel201 · 14/08/2025 17:51

This, I would expect a teenager in a summer camp to just get on and enjoy themselves, I'm sure she'll make it up to you when she returns.

Show quote history

I was at summer camp age 14. But it was 1972 and there was no possibility of calling home (no phone at either end of the transaction!)

Teenagers live in the moment, OP. You really mustn't hold them to mature adult standards of behaviour, because you're dooming yourself to bitter disappointment.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 14/08/2025 20:16

She is 15! She sent a text! As a parent of adults so have been through all the teenage years be happy your child is happy and get your needs met from your partner/spouse/friends. This is her time to be separate from you. Do not hold her back - maybe they had an outing or a party or a special tea or a campfire.

Start finding other things in your life as to be there for your children is amazing but to be there so much you hold them back is not.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/08/2025 20:16

caringcarer · 14/08/2025 19:56

Of course it's a thing to call parents on their landmark birthdays. OP's DD was thoughtless. She should try harder. A five minute call would have meant the world to her Mum.

Show quote history

She's 15. Age 50 won't even register on her consciousness. Teenagers aren't thoughtless, it's just that their brains aren't mature enough to.think of anyone outside themselves for more than about a minute.

Pinkissmart · 14/08/2025 20:28

Peak selfishness at that age

DappledThings · 14/08/2025 20:32

tinytemper66 · 14/08/2025 19:23

I run many trips with school and we have to prompt some to ring home to tell their parents they are still alive!

I remember being on a 4 night school trip to France at age 12 in 1991 and on night 3 we were all marched to the town to queue up for the payphone to call home. I was quite baffled as I was expecting to make contact and my parents were quote thrown by why I was calling too. It was a totally pointless call.and a waste of whatever denomination of franc coin a payphone too then!

Createausername1970 · 14/08/2025 20:42

I agree with two previous sentiments.

You have raised your DC to be very secure about themselves their home life and they don't feel the need to call home every 5 minutes and blow up your phone.

However, you sound like your whole life is taken up with them. It's good that you have a happy and secure family life, there is nothing wrong with that, but you are YOU, an individual with like and dislikes, needs and wants, and you should have an outlet outside your family circle.

On balance you have a well adjusted teen enjoying themselves at camp and who will think "oh shit, I forgot mum's birthday" at some point over the next day or so. Whether they apologise or brazen it out depends on their personality.

It would have been nice if they had called and I can understand why you are a bit disappointed, but hopefully they will be in touch when they remember.

MissAmbrosia · 14/08/2025 20:51

Shes 15 and at camp where phoning parents will be forbidden or restricted. She's supposed to be having fun and not worrying about your feelings. That's what camp is for. Building independence. If you wanted to make a deal about your birthday, you do it before or after, but not during.

Original poster
Ethina · 14/08/2025 20:53

Sparkletastic · 14/08/2025 17:35

Teens can occasionally be a bit thoughtless particularly when out having fun. It sounds like you have happy well-adjusted kids but perhaps haven’t got enough life of your own or time with DH. Focus on that in this next decade of your life.

You’re right about that. High time to do more for us, it’s been full focus on the children for so long

OP posts:
Original poster
Ethina · 14/08/2025 20:56

tinytemper66 · 14/08/2025 19:23

I run many trips with school and we have to prompt some to ring home to tell their parents they are still alive!

Reassuring! Glad it’s not just us…

OP posts:
Original poster
Ethina · 14/08/2025 21:01

GravyBoatWars · 14/08/2025 19:51

I think it's ok to feel disappointed that your DD didn't make time to call, but I also think you're reading far too much into this.

I'm about a generation younger than you and now that I'm an adult I take the time to call my parents and older relatives on special occasions because I understand that a call is more meaningful to them than a text, and they call me on my birthday and I'm appreciative because I know that's them showing they care. But if I'm being completely honest I don't look forward to having to answer the phone for these calls and would love texts instead. It's fairly normal for teens, especially busy ones, to lack the level of empathy and awareness of others to think "I texted but mum will be really hurt if I don't also call because phone calls are so much more meaningful to her." They're still developing that awareness and perspective.

I know exactly what you mean. When I still had my mother, whom I loved dearly, I would still dread answering her calls sometimes. I remember it well. As much as I enjoyed talking with her and getting her advice on things, she was in a different frame of mind where she was thinking a lot about the past, and wanted to talk about that. Also current affairs with emphasis on gloom and doom. There is a disconnect between someone in their seventies who has ALL the time in the world, and a youngish professional or parent of several small children.

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 14/08/2025 21:02

MissAmbrosia · 14/08/2025 20:51

Shes 15 and at camp where phoning parents will be forbidden or restricted. She's supposed to be having fun and not worrying about your feelings. That's what camp is for. Building independence. If you wanted to make a deal about your birthday, you do it before or after, but not during.

This, did she choose to go on the camp? Do you have younger dc? As you've said you're a sahp it's not for childcare need am assuming?

GreenFlag · 14/08/2025 21:07

I don’t work so I am always there for them, we are close as a family, dh and I rarely go out

I think this explains a lot.

Original poster
Ethina · 14/08/2025 21:11

No, the camp is for her favourite sport and I’m really happy that she is having a great time.

Thanks everyone for weighing in. So grateful for all perspectives on this. It’s a relief to hear that this is in line with typical teen behaviour ☺️ I was just comparing to some of my friends who have the kind of relationship where they call each other multiple times per day, just to check in. None of mine ever do that which has made me feel like an outlier so it was nice to read the comments here

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 14/08/2025 21:14

DappledThings · 14/08/2025 20:32

I remember being on a 4 night school trip to France at age 12 in 1991 and on night 3 we were all marched to the town to queue up for the payphone to call home. I was quite baffled as I was expecting to make contact and my parents were quote thrown by why I was calling too. It was a totally pointless call.and a waste of whatever denomination of franc coin a payphone too then!

Show quote history

only happens when a parent has contacted us to say ‘tell Johnny to ring or text us’…

HerecomesMargo · 14/08/2025 21:18

gamerchick · 14/08/2025 17:28

You haven't made mistakes. You've created confident kids who are getting ready to make their way in the world. Having them constantly call you isn't a good thing.

It's a good thing they don't miss you, as hard as that feels. You've done the job you set out to do.

What nonsense. Confident kids 🤣 Her dd was really insensitive and selfish to have not bothered. Given that it’s a milestone. Given that she’s old enough. But let’s make excuses for children becoming more self absorbed and entitled.

Netcurtainnelly · 14/08/2025 21:25

I would have thought a card would have been better
You could have opened it while she was away.

Eleph42 · 14/08/2025 21:28

Honestly I think this is quite normal. When I was 15 I couldn’t even tell you how old my mum was I don’t think I’d even pay attention to ‘big birthdays’ then. I don’t think it’s a bad thing she’s not texting. You’ve clearly instilled confidence in your kids and it’s good they’re not overly dependant on you. In a few years you’ll be the one person she loves to talk to the most! At least I know that’s what happened with my mum and I. Appreciation comes with age imo so dont be hard on your daughter or yourself and celebrate when she’s home x

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