Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

[Bluegem7]

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

Come again?

either way, channel some of that feistiness in to your RL interactions

If you leave
you’ll lose out
you admit you have limited social interaction otherwise

I voted YABU for being such a mug! Why on earth did you go back to the pub after going home to take your dog out??? That’s just bizarre of you! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@Bluegem7

I know I need counselling for lack of confidence/assertiveness but don't know where to start looking. I can't afford to go privately.

I understand: it's expensive. At the very least, try to learn from this episode that you are probably too soft on other people, you need to put yourself first more and that you need to trust your own instincts about people's motives.

Also that guilt and obligation are completely redundant if there is no reciprocation. You owed this woman nothing. Next time this happens, learn that when you start feeling uncomfortable, its OK to be uncomfortable and act on it.

Ok...I was waiting for her to finish her second glass of wine and hoping we could go and I'd run her home. She grabbed her glass and said she was going to get another drink. It didn't occur to me at that point to just leave her on her own in a pub with no lift home. I asked her if she'd be ok for ten minutes if I popped home and fetched my dog as she isn't used to being left alone in the evening especially as it was getting dark. I took my dog back to the pub and she (dog).was happy to be with me). I know I should have said I needed to go and let her sort out a taxi or whatever but I'm seeing that now. It's difficult to explain but I felt responsible for making sure she got home safely as it was just the two of us and I'd picked her up to start with.

I think you should let her know that this is never happening again, and ask that she keeps contact to work only.

and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok,

thanks for the invite but not tonight
thanks for the invite but I have plans
thanks for the invite but I’m not in the mood and don’t drink

First post nails it as usual!

OP - I’m saying this kindly…… you need your head examining!

Never, ever do a favour for anyone ever again!!

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person that would be there for anyone in need. It's the person that took/takes advantage of you that should feel shame.

You are now enabling this woman and she will do it again.

She might not take advantage of you, but by keeping it secret from your workplace, she can still take advantage of other co-workers.

You are not helping anyone by keeping her actions secret, no matter how well intentioned you are.

She isn't a nice person like you.
She won't change because she has no reason to, and she feels no shame for being the person she is.

dear @Bluegem7 , it sounds like you live in a small or smallish town or even a country village? To access no-cost or low-cost counselling you could start with your GP, which would probably entail a waiting list, but you'd (eventually) get a series of (probably 6) sessions to help you learn to be a bit more assertiveness and at least begin to address your handicap of being a "people pleaser". Or you could look around (try Googling) to see if there are any low-cost therapies in your area. The charity "Mind" often give placements to therapists in training, which enables people to have low/no- cost counselling. Failing that, see if your local authority runs any courses on Assertiveness Training. Possibly, also, the people who run the charity in whose shop you volunteer may be able to give you a pointer. It is never too late to improve your ability to stand up for yourself, learn to say "no", and be clearer in expressing your ideas, wants and needs. You'll benefit enormously from the process. Meanwhile, see if you can find other social outlets: book group?; choir?; gardening club?; dog-friendly walking club? "Cast your bread upon the waters" and see if you can't find some much nicer (& soberer) people to make friends with.
Good luck to you, OP. Honestly, it's never too late to start a new life.
Meanwhile, treat yourself to a copy of the book: "A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You" by Anne Dickson. You'll find it very cheaply on AwesomeBooks and World of Books.

You are right to decide to leave the shop. You can volunteer anywhere.

This manager has no right to ask you to do such a thing.

Something good can always be redeemed from the bad. Now that you have had this experience, you will recognise it when you see it again.

Next time, if there ever is, just offer to pick up the parcel for her.

You need better boundary's. I wouldn’t even do what you did for a friend. You was about to eat your dinner and had things to do so you should not of dropped them to run to her . but it’s literally not your fault she’s sad, got hammered , flirting and that.

She saw you coming. She is an adult (not a child )who’s not even family or friend. You’re only responsible for you. I think your nearly at Barry ad her

You seem extremely kind, and she's a CF for taking advantage of that.

However, you carry your fair share of blame here too. You didn't need to be her taxi service when you were busy, you didn't need to take her to the pub, you didn't need to stay with her all night while she got plastered.

You did the right thing by making sure she got home OK after the fact though.

As for not telling anyone...I wouldn't be screaming it from the rooftops or regaling the pub with it, but if anyone asked, I'd give them the Cliff Notes. And I'd definitely tell the charity shop that's why your leaving.

OP, as you said, lesson learned. You are too kind and unfortunately,no good deeds go unpunished by people like this CF manager. I’ve been in your shoes before and understand how you feel.

You sound like the loveliest person op. You should tell you friends and family in confidence if that feels easier. She took advantage of you. I hope the next charity shop has much nicer people working there.

Practice a reply for next time:
’ I am sorry I can’t help this time as I am busy, I hope you manage to collect the parcel/request in time’

Firm, kind and protects your time and resources. 💐

@Bluegem7 Have you considered the Freedom Program? This might be a good idea for you. It would teach you how to spot users and negative people a mile off.

You sound kind and giving. My initial thought is that I wouldn't have gone to the pub with her or would have told her I was going home after the orange juice - left her to get a taxi if she wanted to stay out. However that's easy to say from the outside, and it sounds as if you wanted to look after her, despite her taking advantage of your generosity in this irresponsible way.
I don't blame you for feeling angry and disrespected, but this sounds like a very definite one-off. I'd try to accept her apology, move on, be nice to her at work but not engage in any spare-time contact with her.

First post nails it. I’d possibly have dropped her at a near by pub. But wouldn’t have gone in.

Poor you, sounds like an awful night and very stressful. Hopefully she is mortified now and will think twice about her behaviour and bad relationship with alcohol is jeopardising her job. Don’t give up your job that you enjoy, why should you. You were kind not to leave her in that state, I hope she appreciates it.

@Bluegem7 I've not read past your first post and I'm sure everyone is berating you about boundaries etc .
I've just popped on to say that this is the kind of situation I'd end up in .
I try to be kind but there are some people who take advantage.
This person takes the biscuit.
At least you know now to have an excuse ready if she contacts you again .
Big sympathy .

Thank you for the very useful advice.

Heard about it... I'll look into it. Thanks.

I hope you find another charity that you can help, it’s sad that you don’t feel able to keep your job because of one horrible person.
Good luck, don’t let this put you off working/making friends with others.