Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

[Bluegem7]

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

Thank you for the link. Did give me a much needed laugh! Drunken trollop!

Why in the world did you do any of that? Take her to collect her parcel and then take her home (or drop her at the pub). Really you acted like a complete doormat the whole evening.

“No” is a complete sentence and she’s a CF of the highest order. If she makes your next volunteering day awkward, don’t forget you can leave without notice: you owe neither her nor the charity anything

Didn’t happen

I wish

Top tip for when you're at home is don't answer her number, don't answer caller withheld number, or any unknown numbers. Then you can relax. And, don't be too hard on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong, you were just being kind X

Thank you. I needed that.

X

YABU for allowing this to happen.
There are lots of online resources about assertiveness which should be helpful.
Hopefully you will put your own needs and your dog first next time.
It's difficult at first, but you need to start listening to your gut instinct and taking charge. "I'm not able to do that". "I'm going home now." " I don't want to do that."

Just because she got into your car at dinner time doesn't mean you're responsible for her for the rest of the night.

If you're a volunteer, you can always leave and go elsewhere. You should be enjoying your retirement and doing things that enhance your day, not dealing with this car crash of a woman.

And in answer to your question: no, you should absolutely not feel sorry for her.

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. I could see how the situation was spiralling and you were swept along in the chaos by wanting to firstly give her a listing ear (you thought she wanted to chat) and then making sure she was ok.

I’m sad that you’re thinking of leaving a job you previously enjoyed but understand your reasons if you do!

Ok op
yes I suspect you don’t work and receive disability benefit and you have no support in RL

this charity gig was one of your few interactions with people in RL. I wouldn’t be so quick to jack it in. Instead I would focus on just asserting myself

I'm 73 so no not on benefits. I work for the cancer charity as a way of 'giving back' for the wonderful treatment I received during my own cancer journey. I do enjoy the work and would find it hard to give up but I know this woman would be evil to work for if I didn't keep quiet about what happened. And there are other vulnerable women there, would she treat them the same, there's a lot to weigh up.

Thanks. That's exactly what happened. I got swept along until it was too late to leave her to fend for herself.

Thank you

Shes a full car crash. You want none of this bizarre behavoiur-dont do it again

I found this all quite funny and cringy until it got to the part when you say you're 73 years old. As if you can be bothered with that much stress and disruption let alone at that hour of the night.

Bang out of order. If you were my relative I'd be very upset. She clearly has issues and that's obviously a shame and hopefully she gets to a better place - but next time do not pick up your phone.

Bless you, you're a lovely person x

Just to update everyone... I have phoned the shop manager and told her what I felt about her behaviour on Sunday. I also said that I was angry with myself for allowing myself to get caught up in her drama and not having boundaries etc. I told her I was going to report it to the CEO and that I couldn't work with her in the shop again. She said she would report it herself and resign. I said "ok" but then she cried and pleaded for another chance. I agreed not to report her on condition she sorts her life out and doesn't treat any other of the staff in the same way. I feel a lot better for confronting her because I needed to get it off my chest. I also confided in one member of the volunteer team that I trust. I did feel some of the comments were harsh but obviously not everyone understands what it's like to be a lifelong people pleaser stemmed from a dysfunctional childhood. It's easy to judge when you haven't walked in someone's shoes. Thank you for the sympathetic comments, I really appreciate them. And the link to the YouTube video which gave me a much needed laugh.

Oh OP, I think she is taking advantage of your kind nature once more by turning on the tap and begging you not to report. She's not going to sort her life out and she's going to keep pulling the same stunts until she faces real consequences.

Glad you are finding your anger, OP.

Also, those lockers hold items for around 10 days, she had plenty of time to get her parcel herself, the cheeky sot.

Well done @Bluegem7 , I think that was very brave and assertive of you to ring her and say that.

Definitely putting boundaries in place 👌and hopefully it'll make her think twice about using people so badly in future

Thanks, that was nice to hear

You maybe right and I suspected that but at least I feel better and she knows not to mess with me or her staff again because she won't get a third chance

Thank you, nice comment x

"obviously not everyone understands what it's like to be a lifelong people pleaser"

I think people gave the advice they did because they do know what it's like, and they know the consequences.

"I agreed not to report her on condition she sorts her life out and doesn't treat any other of the staff in the same way."

I also think you are very naive if you think your last conversation will really cause her to change her behaviour and protect the other staff. It's quite telling that you see her side of the conversation as anything but more manipulation, and you again ignoring your own needs and feelings, just like the other night.

Do you think you weren't really serious about reporting her and just wanted to let her know how upset you were? It sounds like you started the conversation by taking control, but she soon wielded it away from you.