Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

[Bluegem7]

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

Op look who is sitting with all the upset and anger now. You. At age 73, just say no. Of all the people that woman called it was you. A 73yo woman who she took to the pub, and got her to drive her around to a man. Think about the level of disrespect she has for you. She called you because she knew you would come running. People don’t respect people pleasers.
I think you should report her. Yet again she manipulated you. She cried and you did exactly what she wanted.

Report her for what? This was all completely outside and separate to work time

and if an adult(the Op) with all their mental faculties in force does all this… well that’s on them

I was just thinking the same thing! 🤣

But it's not for you to give second chances so again you have fallen into her trap. It absolutely needs to be reported that a manager is behaving like this. She shouldn't be in the shop full stop. She is bringing the charity into disrepute and you are now party to what is happening, which could implicate you if something happens again. This is absolutely outrageous and you need to report it. You are letting the charity down by keeping quiet. Do you honestly think she's going to sort her life out? This has clearly gone on a long time and I hate to say it, but it will be on your conscience for keeping quiet if something else happens, and when it comes out that you knew exactly what was going on and didn't say anything, you could find yourself having to answer awkward questions about why you didn't report it. And I don't think 'i said I'd give her a second chance if she promises not to do it again ' is going to help you. Seriously, just report it and leave. You're setting yourself up for a fall here if you don't.

If you honestly think a charity would want someone who behaves like this to be a manager in one of their shops then you obviously don't know charities very well.

Oh also op, it’s usually a really bad idea to socialise or be friends with your manager in any workplace. It confuses professional boundaries.

In the future at other places you might volunteer with, just decline any invitations like this. If you want to be friends with them after you leave, then fine.

This will be a volunteer telling them about one incident that happened completely outside work time.

If they did sack her, she would have one hell of a strong case for unfair dismissal!!

OP how long has she been there?

I would think this would more be a case that the manager contacted an employee/volunteer and how these events unfolded, and how this can then impact the professional environment when one person is in a position of power over another.

It would be different if op was trying to report the manager of actions outside of the workplace that didn’t involve anyone else from work.

She may well have called in for a chat
but it wouldn’t go any further as a one off
and the Op was very very clearly a willing participant and I presume with full mental capacity

Yeah i’m not saying the manager would be sacked, but I agree it would be sensible for higher management to get involved just to ensure continued professionalism and boundaries, and a safe place for op to direct any further concerns to.

i think that would be grossly unfair on the basis of one evening, for which she apologised the following morning

so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house

Everything that happened from this point onwards was your choice.

Other people.can ask and they can even expect. You don't need to comply.

She has apologised but it doesn’t mean it won’t have a future impact on their working relationship or how the manager will treat op. Op already has concerns about their working relationship based on the night out and the manager has already pretty much acted unprofessionally by begging op not to mention the event.

I wouldn’t report on the basis of one evening which was followed up by profuse apologies the next morning

mind you… not one thing the Op did that night I would have done. Odd from start to finish

“Dropped everything”

oh for goodness sakes OP. Adult up

And Op is clearly vulnerable. Which is also why she needs to report it. It remains quite possible that the manager may continue to be unprofessional and the op may not know how to deal with it or need further support.

I would be furious if it was me but don't waste any more time on feeling angry and questioning yourself, just take it as a lesson learnt. If she calls again make sure you are not available for any favours. Asking for a lift on a Sunday evening is cheeky enough but the rest is just nuts! She showed you no consideration and you owe her nothing, if you need to confide in a friend do it! Also who is she trying to hide it from? Sounds like her husband knows what she is like and the whole town saw her drunken debauchery. The more I type the more questions it raises

Well if the op is “clearly vulnerable” then they will probs my be more concerned about this 73 year old very “vulnerable” volunteer

I think

one off pissed evening with profuse apologies - no, shouldn’t be reported (not that there would be any consequences)

the OP is clearly very vulnerable and also seems very socially isolated with very limited intervention with others. I think she’d be cutting her nose off to spite her face if she jacked in this position.

Oh for goodness sake Other snot. Shut up!

Just for the record, there's been several comments regarding me reporting her but the only reason I would need to is if I gave my notice with immediate effect (which I'm still considering) I would give a reason why. Several on here have said why should I keep quiet just because she asked me to. If I decide to stay in the job I wouldn't say anything to the senior management.

I think you're getting a bit of a kicking here OP, some of it a bit unnecessary, and you are obviously a very kind person. But what's frustrating is that you seem to have no idea of where your responsibility towards other people ends and your obligation to look after yourself starts.

This woman is obviously very troubled and has a horrible life, so whether she used you or not is kind of irrelevant: she obviously is desperate for friendship and affection wherever she can find it.

But at no point in the five plus hours you were being dragged around to various drinking holes did you think "this is not my problem" and bailed out. I would probably have drawn the line after Tesco, certainly after the first drink in the pub. Many people wouldn't even have taken her to Tesco. Yet you were still, at beyond pub closing time, being roped into her drama. Ultimately she's nothing to you: she's not even a friend.

People like this will always draw you as far as they can take you. You need to develop a much more acute sense of self-protection and learn to say no to people.

Sounds like a rough night OP. YANBU to be upset and it is to your credit that you were a good friend to her and made sure she was looked after in her condition. Personally though I would just chalk it up to experience, accept her apology and move on. You know not to agree to take her anywhere in the future!

Thank you, everything you say is true. I'm blaming myself enough for being a total mug. I don't expect anyone to understand but things just spiralled and I got caught up in the whole chaos of the evening. It's easy to be wise after the event but I have learned something from this. I know I need counselling for lack of confidence/assertiveness but don't know where to start looking. I can't afford to go privately.

She might have done the same to others. Hence the instruction not to tell anyone. Don't be feeling used, feel angry instead. You sound like a lovely person.