Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

[Bluegem7]

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

What an absolute nightmare. Ghastly woman. Look for a different shop to volunteer in, and in the meantime NEVER interact with her outside of work commitments. (In fact, as it's purely voluntary, you could just leave immediately) Once you've changed jobs, block every method she may have of communicating with you.

Well obviously she was being VVU but I voted YABU as you completely enabled everything.

You are the generation after me and, while there are definitely exceptions, I know many women in that generation who have a tendency towards being trusting and not very assertive. They fall for scams, share pictures that are obviously AI fakes etc. They can also be guilty of thinking that making even reasonable requests is rude, but it is fine and not rude to put your own needs first and say you have stuff to take care of.

What you should have done was immediately declare: 'Sorry - I've arranged my jobs this evening around what you asked me to do. I'm happy to drop you at the pub after we've got the parcel, but I can't stay for a drink.'

I read a brilliant description of people pleasing behaviour on here wish I had saved it. How it doesn’t help you make friends quite the opposite actually. It is done for the persons own validation and people pick up on that.

So she is a paid staff member - and your volunteer manager? I used to be a volunteer manager and this is wildly inappropriate. If I were a paid employee, I'd absolutely want and expect my inappropriate colleagues to be reported. You must reconsider reporting her - her guilt tripping you is it another inappropriate behaviour, and I'd include that in the complaint.

I presume you signed some paperwork when you started volunteering, which includes a code of conduct and what to do if something isn't right?

I bet this isn't the first time she's done this to volunteers.

There is a safeguarding concern here as far as the charity is concerned, though I understand this job means a lot to you. You should not have to worry about being taken advantage of as a volunteer. You had no way of knowing how that evening would unfold, and I don’t believe anyone could have prepared you for that kind of behaviour. She clearly has some serious personal issues, but she should not be bringing them into the workplace. In my view, she should not be managing volunteers.

My advice would be not to answer your phone to her outside of work hours from now on. She can contact you about work matters by text or email, so you have a record of any discussions. Aside from that, I would keep your distance. None of this should be your responsibility as a volunteer, and it frustrates me that she is not valuing you, or likely other volunteers, properly.

I assume there’s an area manager on the scene?

This.

OP, you seem like a genuine kind hearted person. Unfortunately someone without the same traits took advantage of you. You were a little naive but it’s easy to see why, however you’re far from stupid - you’re already clear that she was taking the mick and you won’t allow it again.
Do you really feel you have to leave a role you value though? It’s not fair that you should punish yourself for her actions.

Oh, and I would absolutely ignore her request not to tell anyone. In fact I’d encourage you to discuss this with your family. She doesn’t control you. Oh, and half the town probably knows about it anyway based purely off her own actions.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, you seem lovely and I wish I worked with someone like you.

She has a 7 year old son with special needs and her husband is a disabled army veteran. I didn't think she should lose her job .

It's a local cancer charity set up by a retired GP and I volunteer in the shop of which she is the manager. The rest of the organisation is apart from the shop and has facilities for cancer patients, their carers and families. They offer all kinds of therapies and support for anyone affected by cancer. I don't know the staff there apart from the one or two who also volunteer in the shop. The couple I do know well are the one's she made me promise not to tell. I don't know the CEO and only see her at meetings. She was the one I was going to talk to but now I've said I'll give her another chance. That may not be the right decision but I've made it now. She's messaged me this morning saying she hardly slept again and hopes we're ok. Yes I agree she is still being manipulative but at least I know what she is.

Thank you x

@Bluegem7 I think you need to report this behaviour to the charity. She knows you in a capacity as a volunteer and if this is how she treats volunteers she could bring the charity into disrepute.

I doubt by its the first time she's done something like this and it won't be the last.

That is insane and even worse them both bloody calling you like your not an employee!!! How unprofessional

Of course you can talk about it with friends, she can’t dictate that, what a shocking night for you

A small charity must have the same policies and procedures as any other but I accept it doesn’t always work like that. I’m glad she appears to understand just how much trouble she could be in. I hope you can continue to enjoy your job whilst maintaining a distance but if not, there are a huge number of charities who would love to have you, so don’t feel obliged to stay.

It's her job to behave in a way that ensures she doesn't put her job at risk. Not your job to rewrite the rules for her.

In your shoes, I'd resign immediately and volunteer elsewhere.

This is a deeply troubled woman in an unhappy, potentially volatile relationship and now that you 'hold power' over her, she is likely to start an insidious little campaign against you - you know, the subtle, easily denied hints about your honesty or integrity. The veiled 'well, I shouldn't really comment but...' or 'I left an Armani jacket there yesterday and now it's gone....who was on back room duty...?'

Your kindness and desire to protect a woman who was drunk and vulnerable is to be applauded but you are now a possible target for anger from either husband or wife. Remember that old quip of don't shoot the messenger - it's based on centuries of observation of human nature.

Leave, like yesterday! Good luck.

"My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me)."

If you are ever in that position again, remind the pub about their duty of care and licensing conditions around serving drunk people, especially lone women.
We don't get to dictate how other adults live, we just get to decide what part we play in it. You over involved yourself and then blamed her for it. She initially took the piss, but then was telling you to leave her. Her going out the next day for a family day out, is none of your business.

Thank you. It's a local cancer charity which is why I chose to volunteer there as it's close to my heart. Talking about politics and procedures a few years ago I reported a member of staff for racism (against the Welsh... I'm Welsh she's English) and nothing was done. It was over the Hugh Edwards (news reader) scandal and she kept saying she wasn't surprised because he's Welsh which I found deeply offensive.

That’s pretty bad! Wow. Very much hope you can continue to support something so close to your heart ❤️

I don't want to leave but that's a perspective I hadn't thought of. I've told the whole story to one other volunteer who I trust and I'm glad I did.

What are your relationships generally like op? Friends?

and your romantic relationship history? I’m going to guess… there’s been abuse?

I would also agree with the PP and advise you to find a volunteering opportunity elsewhere.

This woman is still your manager and she holds all the power over you. Especially if there are no other or higher managers on site.

I’ve been there where a manager has private issues going on and takes it out on staff who have to call things out on her behaviour. It just turns into a power hungry bullying fest and it’s not worth it especially as you’re not being paid.

I think it was kind of you not to let a very drunk woman endanger herself any further. That was decent of you.

There seems little point in keeping it secret for her - it won't be secret given her behaviour in a local pub in a small.town. There are volunteering jobs that might work better for you, have you tried a local hospital?
Volunteer staff in the NHS like the pink ladies, might suit you and you'll be well supported.

What is this nonsense. All on you. Why did you drive her to the pub in the first place, go home and then go back to the pub, drive her to another man’s house and all the other nonsense. If you want to do stupid things then don’t complain after.
can’t believe you actually did any of that

Yes

To have got to 73 years old and behave like this… i can’t imagine the story over the last 60 odd years