I understand my family might read this

[Isthiscondescending]

Hello I am not a regular user of the site but after trying to work it out with talking to family members and chatgpt I wanted to get objective advise.

I am recovering from a psychotic episode. During it I acted very badly towards my 18 year old son. He was rude and I inflammatory but I said and did things which were out of order the thing is I don't think my son can grasp that it was the illness really causing it. He has left my home several weeks ago.

He had said to me by text, "you were the one who said you didn't want to lose me. I suppose I am just wondering why you are making it worse for yourself." It feels like he is basically saying I value the relationship more than he does and he knows it and I just find it very rude and condescending and like there is a power play going on. He has said things like this to me before, that same tone of superiority almost and as if it is just a given that he would want to cut contact with me ?

I have tried to reach out but I know if I bring this up he will completely deny him doing this with me. He reminds me of his father sometimes.

The thing is I was just so seriously ill, it feels like I am coming round from a waking nightmare and I still feel scared and very lost at times. Every night I have the same dream that I am back in the episode. I really need my family right now and I am trying to tell my son this but I haven't had a positive response from him tonight (I did not bring the original topic up that I posted here re me thinking hr is condescending)

I am just worried about him he hasn't responded all day when I reached out and isn't picking up his calls. I do not know where he is staying, but he has told me he is definitely not going to move back home and that he cannot cope with my illness. It's making me so sad and anxious especially tonight I'm worried and I am just feeling very low in general sorry if the thread is a bit all over the place

You really need to focus on your recovery right now as a psychotic episode can really take it out of you. Do you have appropriate support?

I don't know what happened with your son but he's obviously shaken and may be traumatised. Don't fixate on his tone, he's a teenager and needs love and reassurance right now.

Keep the line of communication open, reassure him that you love him and do everything you can to get better: Good nutrition, therapy, medication, exercise and so on.

I'm really sorry to hear you've been so unwell. I think when we're going through hell we focus inwards more and more. It sounds like you haven't considered your son's experience of you enough.

He's still very young, take some time to think about how upsetting and scary it is to have a mum who is very unstable - not the harsh words you said in isolation - but the overall effect of having a mum who has your illness. Him moving out may be his way of protecting himself - his mental/emotional wellbeing. Not just about punishing you over his anger at your outburst.

Also you shouldn't be relying on him for emotional support. He's 18, yes, but still basically a child. Your child. He needs his mum, he doesn't need to be parenting you.

Do you have other people you can turn to for support? Friends, older family members, community mental health team?

I would stop asking things of your son and in your messages to him aim to come accoss as understanding of his pain and open to finding a way forward where contact between you is lighter. Meet in town for coffee, offer him a lift to the supermarket and buy him some bits.

I do understand that I can't expect emotional support from him but at the same time I am just feeling really fragile. And I think what he said is a weird way to put it, "making it worse for yourself," rather than say "making it harder for us to resolve this" or something similar. I mean I just think there is something off with your own child talking to you like that like there is a power imbalance or I don't know is it because he thinks I'm a terrible person that should be earning back respect and have to be like please don't leave me am I reading too much into this ? It just has made me feel really weird with him.

Maybe he has just not replied because I have included that I am feeling upset etc in the messages at the same time as trying to reach out

I don't know. I think he hates me.

I am thinking about how it has affected him though it must have been a disturbing experience. I wish it didn't happen. I wish I was normal.

It isn’t his job to emotionally support you, you are the parent. And this must be incredibly difficult for him. Focus on your recovery and give him space, be glad he is protecting himself and hope that you CMS reconnect when the time is right for BOTH of you.

I think it must be an incredibly confusing and distressing thing to see a loved one go though. His head is probably all over the place. He'll be feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions at the same time. Negativite and positive ones about you and himself. Don't try to read to much into his messages. People can't read the tone on a text message when everyone's on an even keel. In this situation it's impossible.

I bet you're feeling fragile though, who do you have to support you? What can you do right now to get a little comfort?

It has helped just talking here. I have my siblings and mum who are supportive. It's just late just now I am just on my own at the end of the day at home I suppose. I am watching mild hallucinations forming in the air at the moment. I have never had symptoms last this long before or be so severe as it was a few weeks ago. I just wish this wasn't happening. I feel scared. I have my cat with me he is cuddling me.

I don't think he feels powerful or superior his message comes across like he feels like you push him away even though you say you want to be close to him. He's probably finding it hard and feels vulnerable having a mum who isn't consistent. Focus on yourself and recovery, he'll find it easier to trust and relax when you're stable and more of a safe person who can be there for him. He's only so young I hope you feel better soon and that your son has some support too.

Are you with the crisis team? Do you have anything you can do to stop ruminating? Watch a box set, have a bath, do a puzzle, listen to a podcast, listen to music, craft etc

I hope so too. The context was me not giving him money because I didn't agree with his choices initially

The thing is I just feel so strange and I can't really focus on anything. My mood is just really imbalance I hope I might have a better day tomorrow but I wont if he doesn't get in touch to tell me he is ok

You said and did things - you haven’t said what these things you did to him were, but if they were as bad as you seem to be suggesting then it’s understandable he may not want to be around you. Respect his need for space.

That it was the result of your illness does not lessen the harm done, and he may very well fear a repeat.

I do get it, just trying not to feel deserted. It's more than that though because part of the episode was I thought something had happened to him, when he left. And I am so thankful he is ok but I just feel like I really need him with me after it. It makes you realize that all that really matters are our families and it's all I really care about in the world

There's some info here you might find useful:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/psychosis/self-care-if-you-experience-psychosis/

You're not well OP, go easy on yourself. It can take a long time to recover from a psychotic episode. Do you have a crisis cafe near you? Hub of Hope is a searchable database of local mental health support.

Your son is OK, try to relax. Everything doesn't have to be sorted out tonight.

Sorry to hear you've been so unwell.

You say your son is 18. Is he due results tomorrow?

18 is a really funny age. Legally an adult but only just. Brains are still developing and he might be suffering some trauma of his own and may just need some space. It may feel like a rejection but it's better to view it as him doing what he needs to do to navigate all this emotional stuff. Don't over analyse the wording of the text! You're lucky he text you words, in a sentence, knowing plenty of other similar aged kids!

Take it easy.

Is he getting his a-level results tomor? He maybe worried about that and preoccupied. I wouldn’t look into his text too much, things can get misunderstood via text. Concentrate on healing yourself first, that’s the most important ❤️‍🩹

I don't have a resource like that near me no. He isn't due any results but he is about to start a college course. It is just a strange thing being so terrified for his safety and then being so relieved he is ok, then just missing him so much and he just doesn't seem to even really like me. And this imbalance is just very apparent. He told me I was aIways a terrible mother. He said if I don't stay on medication he will cut contact, like he blamed me but I tried and tried to get help and was not given any medication for 6 weeks. suppose I will just have to back off maybe for a while and hope he comes around in his own time it is just so hard emotionally

As the (now adult) child of a parent who had significant mental health challenges and who at times acted quite abusively, I will say it was very hard to sometimes divide out what was my mum just being awful because she felt like it, and what was actually mental illness. Your son is only 18. Yes an adult, but 18 is still very young in the grand scheme of life and (for what are very valid reasons) you've acted in a way that might have made him feel at least emotionally unsafe.

I think you need to focus on getting better, the one thing I always found and continue to find the most difficult with my mum is her resistance to taking support/ medication/following routines that work for her and generally being accountable for herself and her behaviour. Because even though her behaviour when she's unwell isn't a choice as such, she does to an extent decide that she isn't going to engage with the things that could help her to feel better. And instead, she makes me and our family responsible for her emotions and outbursts and after a while it does get really heavy. I know none of it is easy for her, but there is still an element of choice and I'm wondering if that's what your son is referring to when he talks about making it harder for yourself. It frustrates me no end when I can see my mum refusing to do the things I know she could or should do in order to build her resilience because it means the same pattern keeps repeating. I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to so I have to make a choice as to how much I can engage in a relationship with her, without compromising my own mental health in the process.

I think the best thing you can possibly do for your relationship with your son is to look at what support is available to you and commit yourself to the process and to taking all professional help that's offered. You mention your ds reminds you of his dad and I'm wondering if there's some trauma attached to that relationship so work around that might also be important when you feel ready to do so. I think if I could have seen that my mum was genuinely trying via healthier avenues, it would have made it much easier for me to understand her and have sympathy for her. And it would have made her much less destructive towards me.

Are you engaging well with all the services on offer and does your son know that you are? Are you linked in with the crisis team? Did you go to the hospital or phone out of hours/ get someone to do this for you if you weren't able to phone yourself? It's not too late to ring now especially if you're still experiencing hallucinations even if they're milder than they were. You deserve support op. Just because what you're experiencing is very normal doesn't mean you need to just live with it.

I think tone is also impossible to gauge via text, you're obviously coming out of a period of complete crisis where you're going to feel raw and low and overwhelmed and I think it would be really easy to read an unfair meaning into a text when your nervous system is probably a bit fried right now and you're in survival mode. All of that is totally normal, but that's why you need to be your first priority right now.

You need to focus on what is within your control in this moment. Your son isn't one of those things and tbh he has the right to take space at the moment if he really needs to. Logically you know that at this moment he is safe. You can't balance your wellbeing on him responding to you or not (and I say that as a mother to a son so I do get how difficult that is in reality) because it's actually unfair to him for you to do that. You need to seek medical support that's available, you need to let your body and mind rest and recover and then when you are in a better, more grounded place in yourself - you'll actually be in a much better place to parent him in the way he needs you to. Having a knee jerk reaction to all of this would be very understandable but it's not going to be the best way to reconnect with your son and rebuild his trust. He needs to see you prioritising your own wellbeing on your own two feet. That is what will make him start to feel safe.

Can you run yourself a nice warm bath/a nice shower with some lovely smellies, some nice soft Pj's and a soothing cup of tea/ some gentle music in the background/ have a phone call with a friend (or Samaritans if you feel its too late at night for a friend) / cuddles with your little cat/a bit of gentle tidying if you feel you need to move/ some breathing exercises or guided meditation/a bit of adult colouring? If you've not eaten could you take some toast or even cereal? What are the things you can do to soothe your body and mind to help you support your recovery?

@Lavender14 I typed out to reply but got deleted. I appreciate your insight and I agree that it could be hard for him to know where the line is between my illness and me being 'bad'. I'm kind of just still getting to grips with having this condition it only really started in the past few years and quite on and off. I may have to accept I could just take medication for the rest of my life rather than ever risk it again
I am trying not to read into the tone it just feels like maybe he has been talking about me with his dad's family and they are talking like this with him about me.

The last time I was ill hey we're telling him it was obvious to me that I should have to earn his respect back and other phrases like that

I am feeling more settled after talking this out a bit. I might have a cleaning day tomorrow if I'm up to it. Thanks again

You can’t emotionally manipulate him into being in contact by saying your recovery depends on a certain kind of behaviour from him — that’s an unfair burden to place on a teenager. Focus on getting well so that you’re in a headspace to parent.

It's just hard I was so so worried about him when I was unwell. It was like a nightmare. I feel like my bonds with my family are the thing grounding me into normal reality, with him most so

I get that it’s hard, OP, but you need to recognise that you being ill on and off for several years while he’s in his teens has been frightening for him. You will have to earn his trust back once you’re well enough. But focus on that first. Then try to rebuild your relationship when you’re stable. At the moment he can’t rely on you.

I just feel so worried about him. His phone is just ringing out and ringing out

My own Mum was very ill with Bipolar and Psychosis when I was between 15 and 17. It was a horrible time, and I spent most of it terrified that she was never going to get well.

Right now it's important that you focus on getting yourself stable, so this means taking your meds (and if you need to be on them forever, then take them forever), treating yourself kindly and engaging with MH services.

Once you are back on an even keel (and if you take your meds and engage with MH services, then you will get there), that's the time to focus on rebuilding your relationship with your son. He will probably need some therapy, certainly someone to talk to.

Right now, I would just be sure to let your son know that you love him, that you are sorry for the things you said during your psychosis, and that you are going to do everything you can to get better.

It would be a good idea to get someone to speak to your son (perhaps someone from your MH team) and explain psychosis to him, so that he understand you were not in control of the things you said or did, that your illness caused them. It's important that he knows that none of this is his fault.

My own Mum did recover, and nearly 30 years later takes medication every day to ensure she never gets that ill again, and I am grateful to her for her efforts. I hope you feel much better very soon.

Frankly right now I would give your son some grace and not pick at whatever language he decided to use, considering what happened and how young he is. He probably can’t fully grasp the seriousness of what happened. Focus on getting better and above all, stick to your meds and appointments.

My mum has schizophrenia and had 2 major psychotic episodes that were very drawn out because at the time getting help was nearly impossible. I was on the receiving end of relentless abuse, barrages of texts of any insult you could possibly imagine, including goading and prompting me into killing myself for being an embarrassment.

I love my mum, she’s okay now and is religious about her meds (well… court enforced but still). I would say we have a good relationship, but I can’t lie: even after all these years, I think this she’s a bit of an abusive dick who happens to also be mentally ill. I think if I was younger and had another parent to turn to it would have been unlikely that I had stayed in contact.

Keep in touch, give him some space, above all get better - I wish you the best!