I understand my family might read this

[Isthiscondescending]

Hello I am not a regular user of the site but after trying to work it out with talking to family members and chatgpt I wanted to get objective advise.

I am recovering from a psychotic episode. During it I acted very badly towards my 18 year old son. He was rude and I inflammatory but I said and did things which were out of order the thing is I don't think my son can grasp that it was the illness really causing it. He has left my home several weeks ago.

He had said to me by text, "you were the one who said you didn't want to lose me. I suppose I am just wondering why you are making it worse for yourself." It feels like he is basically saying I value the relationship more than he does and he knows it and I just find it very rude and condescending and like there is a power play going on. He has said things like this to me before, that same tone of superiority almost and as if it is just a given that he would want to cut contact with me ?

I have tried to reach out but I know if I bring this up he will completely deny him doing this with me. He reminds me of his father sometimes.

The thing is I was just so seriously ill, it feels like I am coming round from a waking nightmare and I still feel scared and very lost at times. Every night I have the same dream that I am back in the episode. I really need my family right now and I am trying to tell my son this but I haven't had a positive response from him tonight (I did not bring the original topic up that I posted here re me thinking hr is condescending)

I am just worried about him he hasn't responded all day when I reached out and isn't picking up his calls. I do not know where he is staying, but he has told me he is definitely not going to move back home and that he cannot cope with my illness. It's making me so sad and anxious especially tonight I'm worried and I am just feeling very low in general sorry if the thread is a bit all over the place

This is part of the psychosis and the accompanying paranoia talking op. And you don't need to listen to it.

Make an agreement with yourself that you aren't going to ring or text him any more. If you feel safe enough to do so then, turn your phone off so you aren't tempted and then focus on distractions with other things. Whether or not he's been talking to other people, respectfully is none of your business. What other people think of you, is none of your business. The only opinion that matters is the opinion you hold of yourself. And right now you know you've had a really rough time, and are still wading through the aftermath of that. You know your system still isn't regulated so its doing its best to find danger where there isn't any. And it's fixated that to your son because that's who you care the most about. But that danger isn't real. Ringing your son is actually giving in to the delusion of danger where there isn't any (which he likely knows and doesn't want to play into). I know it's likely incredibly uncomfortable for you, but you need to just repeat to yourself, "he's safe and I'm safe" over and over again out loud to challenge those negative, intrusive thoughts and ground yourself. Because they don't rule you, you rule you.

It's really hard but I promise it works. I had awful intrusive thoughts and ocd when I was postpartum and this sounds so silly but it's probably one of the more effective strategies I tried. It just takes being very consistent.

This is very sad to read, OP.

What external support do you have? A friend of mine had an episode of psychosis a few years ago and was hospitalised. On discharge, she had a psychiatrist and a MH SW who she saw weekly and medication. She hasn't had a relapse since, thankfully, but she and her husband are now very good at recognising when she has wobbled and she trusts him enough to be guided by him.

Do you have similar in place?

As for your son, I agree with others. He is trying to protect himself now rather than punish you even if that is how it feels. Try not to read too much into specific words he has used.

And I think what he said is a weird way to put it, "making it worse for yourself," rather than say "making it harder for us to resolve this" or something similar.

He is 18. He is not a mature adult or a therapist and he isn't working to a script. He's just trying to find his own way through a very scary time for him.

He said if I don't stay on medication he will cut contact, like he blamed me

Again, it's not about blame but he is trying to set a boundary here that keeps himself emotionally safe. He wants his mum back and he wants her well. I don't think this is an unreasonable boundary for him to set.

Stop phoning him for a while if he isn't answering. Maybe send him a text to tell him you are going to give him space, that you love him and that you will be ready to talk when he is if you don't want him to worry.

You are ill and he has been hurt by that. So he does need some space right now and so do you. You both need to focus on yourselves right now.

Take care.

@GreyCarpet I have been offered to keep in regular contact with mental health nurses between psychiatrist appointments and I have accepted this. I am having a weird situation with my psychiatrist at the moment. I am thinking of getting private health care because I went 6 weeks trying to get medication and this all could have been avoided had I had access to the right care. It will cost £300 upfront and then £150 for subsequent catch ups and the private prescriptions don't always cost too much. I am just feeling like I need more medical support than I have been getting. For example side effects I havent found a medication that agrees with me yet and my psych doesn't care and just telling me to ignore the side effects

I suppose I just have to treat him like he is a child and not put it on him I just did think that at 18 he could have tried to be there for me. Maybe it is just too much for him to cope with. I just wish he wasn't making it into a fight between us

Having lived with someone who had a psychotic episode you won’t have proper recollection of how you treated those around you. Your memory of events will be massively different to actual events . You need to understand that it’s hard to be around people who suffer this but also that the other people need to take their time to recover. I know it’s hard but you need to keep reminding yourself you’re getting better and the slack you feel others should give you for you being ill also needs to be extended towards them .

With kindness, he's only just an adult and it is extremely unfair for you to expect him to 'be there' for you through something as intense as this. That's not his responsibility.

Wishing you well in getting better.💐

I am sure what happened yo you was extremely scary and very difficult and I am glad things are better but I don't think you are really appreciating the impact this has had on him, watching someone, especially someone you love dearly, have a psychotic break is utterly terrifying, truly, and almost certainly, your memories of it will differ to the reality. He needs some time and some space to deal with it an will be, very fairly, protecting himself.

Kindly, you are not his responsibility, it is not his responsibility to be there for you, it is important you both have people there for you but that likely won't be each other for now. The language he is using could mean something or could mean nothing, he is only 18, navigating his way through a traumatic experience. It's awful being 29 ant watching someone go through it, 18 must be incredibly hard.

OP, respectfully, if you’ve had recurrent episodes of poor MH for several years, including one or more psychotic episodes, he’s had a lot to deal with in his teens. His resident parent wasn’t parenting, but had turned into a frightening, unpredictable stranger. You don’t seem to grasp this.

A friend of mine has a son the same age as yours, and had a very bad few years when her generally well-controlled anorexia got bad, to the point where she was hospitalised and her organs were shutting down. Even though her son had a resident dad and an older sibling to protect him and explain things, and my friend was still calling him daily from hospital to chat and checking how his school day had gone and being ‘normal’, she’s still very much repairing the damage done to that relationship. It’s not his job, as a traumatised eighteen year old, to support her.

I think you need to focus on getting support and working on your recovery, but also to be realistic about the fact that the work on repairing your relationship with your son needs to come from you.

...the slack you feel others should give you for you being ill also needs to be extended towards them.

This. In fact you need to be giving him a huge amount of slack as you will not have been able to be there for him and properly engaged in parenting throughout your crisis/crises. Yes, it will have been too much for him to cope with, and still is.

That hurts to admit to yourself, I'm sure, but it's the truth and if you can accept that you will likely be better able to understand why he's not able to pour out emotional resources for your benefit right now.

This.

He really doesn’t owe you anything OP. Nobody is saying it is easy to be the one going through a crisis like this but it is also incredibly difficult to be on the other side of it as a friend or family member. He is looking after himself, that’s all you can expect him to do.

If his phone is “ringing out and ringing out”, how often are you ringing him?

You are still trying to control him, by making him contact you when he doesn’t want to right now.

You need to back right off for a bit. Send him something saying “I’m so sorry my behaviour whilst ill has impacted you, and our relationship. I love you and am going to do everything I can to get well and stay well. Love Mum” and then leave him be.

Take your meds. Keep taking them. Do not stop them without medical agreement, tapering and supervision. Keep yourself busy and find appropriate support avenues that aren’t your son.

My words might sound harsh but they are your best chance of a) getting well and b) not driving your son away in the process.

I don't think it's helpful to think of it as him making it into a fight between you even if that's how it feels to you.

You are still struggling and you are unwell.

But he wasn't unaffected by it.he will be experiencing a range of heightened and complex emotions because you're his mum, he loves you and parents are supposed to be a safe space at any age. His safe space has been damaged.

He will be angry and that is understandable. Angry that his mum is ill; angry at his mum for the person she became while she was at the worst of his illness; confusion because his mum doesnt feel 'safe' for him right now; scared of what this means for his and his mum's futures (both his mum's personal future and the future of his relationship with his mum). And these won't be easy emotions for him to deal with.

I've phrased it like that to try and show you what it will likely be like for him. These are his feelings, his emotions and his experiences. To try and help you see how it might be for him feom bis perspective.

My daughter is 19. She's an intelligent, mature and responsible 19 year old tbf but she would not be able to 'be there' for me, especially in a time of such crisis, and it would be incredibly unfair of me to expect her to be.

It's not personal to you in terms of it being a punishment or a reflection on your as a person but his experience. Of course, it feels personal to you because you are his mum!

He is 18, expecting to him to have a perfect response seems petty.

Is the to and fro the bigger picture ?

My DM had psychotic episodes and I could not get away fast enough at 18.

She definitely thinks I'm high and mighty and sensitive sometimes, and to be honest she's not wrong, that's how some people can view me, I've learned as I've got older when to shut up, how to phrase things better, how to avoid miscommunication.

But really, zoning in on this character flaw at this point in time, when you've done something upsetting and need to focus on getting better, is silly.

Could you find a different focus for your energy?

By all means apologise and let him know you love him and will focus on getting better, then do that, and remember he may feel sensitively about this for a very long time.

As an adult with more life experience, you can be the bigger person.

Basically, he's "being there" for himself right now. He can't "be there" for you too.

It's all very "me, me, me".

Think about how this situation has impacted your 18 year old son. Think also about how your mental health has probably impacted him over his lifetime.

I'm not saying me me me but I have been through a traumatic event

So has your son- seeing his mum in that state is a traumatic event for him.

You are not his safe place right now, so you cannot expect him to be yours.

OP, whether you realise it or not, your behavior is incredibly emotionally manipulative.

Insisting that you'd feel better if he was there, that he should be providing more emotional support and that your inability to contact him at will is making you feel worse is an incredible amount of pressure to put on anyone, let alone someone so young and especially from their own parent.

You need to make this a focus of your therapy as a priority. It's extremely unfair to place that burden on a kid who has just spent some of the most naturally difficult years of his life dealing with an extremely mentally unwell parent.

It may be easy for you to write off the things you've said to him as a result of your illness, but he will likely carry those memories forever. People in emotionally unregulated states often say things they don't mean, but they'll equally say things they absolutely do mean due to a lack of inhibition. How is he supposed to know the difference here? How are you?

Your son sounds like he has extracted himself from an unpleasant situation as soon as he's had the means to do so. You need to respect his distance. Once you've worked on making yourself better, you can work on mending fences if he's open to it.

But SO HAS HE, I know YOU had the psychotic episode and you are dealing with the aftermath but your son saw that and now he is also dealing with the aftermath , if it was scary for you, it was scary for him. Minimising his trauma and feelings is extremely unfair and expecting him to be the one to help and support you is also unfair, you both need help and support. Where is his coming from?

Your son has also been through a traumatic event (probably many during his life time with your MH) and he needs to be cared for too op. He is barely an adult, and he is certainly not trained to deal with you or anyone else experiencing vivid hallucinations.

Consider how terrifying it is for him, living with you? He can love you and still feel overwhelmed himself.

I can not understand why you haven’t been offered anti psychotics. Meds are available. Many people live almost normal lives with the right meds, I agree you need a private second opinion urgently.

So sorry you are unwell. Your son is right though, he needs to protect himself now because you aren't able to help protect him from you. If you turn this on him, or try to excuse your behaviour, he will shut you out completely. Send him a message saying you love him, and focus on getting well. I hope you both have other people to support you.

I think the problem here is that until you are willing to accept responsibility for your actions, nothing will change.

Your posts are incredibly self centred and I feel so much sadness for your son.

And get off Chat GPT, it is not good for anyone’s mental health and particularly not for someone with a mental illness.

Part of some mental illness does create a complete inability to understand the impact on others. In some cases there is a very real incapacity.

OP’s needs/illness might feel so pressing that she is unable to consider other people at all at the moment. It’s not selfishness - she may be very caring of her son when she isn’t mid episode.

Absolutely. I would stay well clear.