I understand my family might read this

[Isthiscondescending]

Hello I am not a regular user of the site but after trying to work it out with talking to family members and chatgpt I wanted to get objective advise.

I am recovering from a psychotic episode. During it I acted very badly towards my 18 year old son. He was rude and I inflammatory but I said and did things which were out of order the thing is I don't think my son can grasp that it was the illness really causing it. He has left my home several weeks ago.

He had said to me by text, "you were the one who said you didn't want to lose me. I suppose I am just wondering why you are making it worse for yourself." It feels like he is basically saying I value the relationship more than he does and he knows it and I just find it very rude and condescending and like there is a power play going on. He has said things like this to me before, that same tone of superiority almost and as if it is just a given that he would want to cut contact with me ?

I have tried to reach out but I know if I bring this up he will completely deny him doing this with me. He reminds me of his father sometimes.

The thing is I was just so seriously ill, it feels like I am coming round from a waking nightmare and I still feel scared and very lost at times. Every night I have the same dream that I am back in the episode. I really need my family right now and I am trying to tell my son this but I haven't had a positive response from him tonight (I did not bring the original topic up that I posted here re me thinking hr is condescending)

I am just worried about him he hasn't responded all day when I reached out and isn't picking up his calls. I do not know where he is staying, but he has told me he is definitely not going to move back home and that he cannot cope with my illness. It's making me so sad and anxious especially tonight I'm worried and I am just feeling very low in general sorry if the thread is a bit all over the place

I absolutely agree!!

It is just such a shame that her son has had to go through all of this.

I don't think I am being selfish. I haven't said anywhere that I don't know he has also had a hard time

He could answer his phone so I'm not worrying about him I don't need the stress right now.. that matters too

I don't think teens and younger people fully understand things beyond their own little circle of friends
They say and do things that are shocking and impulsive that don't reflect a bit on the person they grow into. Have you had a long history of mental health challenges and he has felt like you've had to rely on him. Not your fault but maybe he just needs time to thunk and not feel responsible. I do hope you get the support you need just keep lines of communication open and try to focus on recovery first. Have you had medical support?

But even there you are minimising his experience...it's "also had a hard time", like in addition to you having a hard time which you see as the primary issue.

He doesn’t need the stress of this situation either OP.

Take a big step back, leave him be.

What did you say to him? I think this could be crucial to understanding why he is so upset

OP, my mother was mentally unwell for all of my teens - not psychosis, but severe depression precipitated by the death of my father when I was 10. Broadly, she expected me to be her emotional crutch, and to take abusive behaviour on the chin. And I just couldn't do that for her. It ended up with us not really having a relationship at all - and that was in circumstances nothing like as serious as yours. As I got older I was able to recognise that the way she treated me was largely due to the depression, but by then the damage was done.

Please do everything you can to get stable. It would have meant to much to me to know that my mum was trying to deal with her illness.

Op

You would know if there was a problem. He isn’t answering his phone because he desperately needs a break. He needs space to ground himself and feel stronger.

Stop calling him. You know he is okay. Leave him be, and start looking up and researching a new psychiatrist. Focus on you. You can take care of yourself for now.

"I don't think I am being selfish" but in the next sentence you say "I don't need the stress right now"

You are being so so selfish and you cannot see it.

I really need my family right now and I am trying to tell my son this but I haven't had a positive response from him tonight

The thing is, OP, you are making this all about you. And it isn't all about you. It's also about your 18-year-old son who understandably cannot (and shouldn't have to) be responsible for the psychological wellbeing of a severely mentally ill parent. Telling him you need him and that you are depending on his contact for your welfare isn't fair - it's emotional blackmail. You don't seem to be considering his wellbeing here, only yours.

He is legally an adult and he doesn't have to tell you where he is or answer calls and messages from you whenever you want him to.

He has witnessed you having psychotic episodes during which you apparently behaved very badly towards him. I understand that this was because you were in a psychotic state at the time, but even so, you're still trying to put some blame on to your son when you say that he was being rude to you etc. You need to accept that while you can't help the fact that you are seriously mentally ill, you also can't expect your 18-year-old adult son to shoulder the responsibility for your behaviour.

If you are unwell to the point of psychosis, I strongly suspect there is a whole lot more that's gone on here that you're not telling us, or are in denial about.

Rather than fixating on your son and 'needing' his support right now, you need to focus on yourself and getting better and try to accept that your son is entitled to put some distance between you for the sake of his own mental health.

He's an adult. He doesn't have to be at your beck and call. Your anxiety isn't his fault. He does not have to pick up the phone and have what are clearly difficult conversations with you, and your anxieties shouldn't be allowed to control his life.

Stop blaming him for your mental health issues. It's not his fault. He isn't responsible for the way you feel.

As the child of a parent with MH issues, I completely agree.

Im in my 40s and still having therapy to deal with this. My parent still absolutely feels that they were the victim in all this, and it’s incredibly grating.

What this sounds like to me is parentification. If you have a counsellor or therapist, ask them about it. Basically, you are seeing your relationship with your son far more as if he should have the parent role, and it’s harming him and your relationship with him. It often happens in single mum-only boy households and with the added issue of your mental health, it’s serious.

He needs a mum. You being unwell means he hasn’t had you solidly in that role. Which is unavoidable and sad for both of you. However, what is happening now is avoidable.

You are responsible for his emotional wellbeing. You’re his mum. He is a teenager. He’s responsible, right now, at this stage, for finding his way in the world, breaking free of childhood and becoming an effective adult, forming new relationships outside the family unit, making mistakes, dealing with them, working out how he will work, support himself and grow. It’s a huge job and the best thing a parent can do while it’s happening is be a safe place to anchor them.

For now, focus on getting better so you can fill that role for yourself and for him. And try to find other places to get that emotional need filled.

Can he be there for you if it means breaking himself? He’s 18, and woefully ill equipped to deal with bearing the brunt of a parent’s psychosis (honestly, it would be extremely difficult to deal with at any age and with any level of training). How many times has he been on the receiving end of invectives? That you can’t help it does not negate the trauma caused to others as a result of it. It doesn’t automatically make it easier to deal with, and it certainly doesn’t make it less frightening.

He’s not an emotional support animal. He isn’t responsible for your anxiety, or for assuaging it. Him refusing to accept that role is not him fighting with you. You’re fighting with him because you’re refusing to accept that he wants to be left alone. He has every right to say no to you, and you really need to accept that.

Op gently you don’t sound at all well or stable. You should definitely be looking for more psychiatric support and if you can pay private it’ll be money well spent as your mental health is priceless.

You need to stop harassing your son in the meantime. How many times have you called him? I’m guessing a lot as you aren’t currently able to focus on anything except this fixation on him. At 18 your son is not your emotional support system. You have to stop.

You haven’t fully told us what you said and did whilst psychotic, nor how long you’ve had poor mental health. But regarding this statement

‘you were the one who said you didn't want to lose me. I suppose I am just wondering why you are making it worse for yourself.’

I would see this as your son asking why are you even now you’re over the worst of the psychotic episode still behaving so badly towards him when you had previously said you didn’t want to lose him.

He is clearly saying your behaviour is pushing him away. It’s not condescending. It’s not a power play.

You really need to stop harassing him, blaming him and looking for so much support from him. None of that is a fully to blame on a mental health condition - it’s co-dependant parenting

Yes - this is absolutely right - there is also co dependency, annd I suspect enmeshment - op feels entitled to his support and care.

This child/ now young adult has never had a parent in the real sense of the word, and carrying a parent through serious mental illness is an enormous undertaking as a young child.

I hope he is getting support and someone is taking care of him.

I don’t want to be unkind but your son has lived with you being ill for years and might have reached his limit of what he can cope with. Most kids have the luxury of being a child but your illness may have created situations where he felt like the parent and he wants to escape that now. I hope that the MH services could offer him some support to. He’s 18 so physically an adult but emotionally he wants to be younger and enjoy typical 18 year old life like not telling his mum where he is all the time. I have an 18 year old and he goes out when he wants to and your son will see others like mine and want the same.

I know that knowing he’s ok is a source of comfort to you but he doesn’t want this “chore” and will be worrying that if he answers, you’ll ask lots of questions and apply pressure to come home which he probably wants to avoid.. It’s a big responsibility and difficult living with someone who is ill and for the sake of your relationship I think that you should let him be 18 and free.

Focus on your own health and don’t read too much into his texts. You don’t know the tone and how carefully he’s typing (my 18 year old doesn’t reread what he messages ) plus autocorrect and predictive text could be changing things.

Yes but @Isthiscondescending you wouldn't think you're being selfish, would you. Perhaps a better term is self-centred (which to an extent is understandable!). In any case, you must try to accept that he has every right to be upset and traumatised, to find it overwhelming, and to retreat from you until he has the resources to cope.

It's not your fault that you developed this illness. But you did. And it would have affected him very badly. He had absolutely no choice in the matter either.

You need to find whatever help you can and focus on getting well.

Leave room and space for your son to heal.

Teenagers don’t do well under pressure. How many times are you contacting him a day? Can you limit yourself to say one text a day and not contact him any more than that? I imagine that he’ll he feeling a whole host of emotions like guilt and anger and will be avoiding your calls because the pressure of being needed is tough. I’ve seen adults on here discussing how hard it is to care for their family and children and dreaming of a break from it all.

I know it’s not your choice to feel the way you do but could you enlist the help of your mum or sister here? They can let you know if ds isn’t ok so that he doesn’t feel cornered.

I think you wouldn't understand unless you had been through something like this yourself. I think it's totally normal that I need my families support and at the same time it is normal that my son hasn't handled it better. I am basically just coming round from a living nightmare. We fell out because I freaked out at him after he recorded us having an argument. I believed he was going to show the authorities and that this would cause us both to be murdered. He left the house and I thought he had been kidnapped and murdered.

I've been taking medication for about four weeks. And I am having good days and bad moments like last night.

My son has called and we have talked. He said he didn't mean to be condescending and that wasn't the tone of the message so I have let it go. He has said he will stay in touch so I don't worry about him.

OP, kindly, if your son is 18 he probably has A level results to worry about today. It's good that he has got in contact and helped with your fears, but he has a lot going on as well and will be facing his own fears for the future.

I know you can't help being ill but you're putting an awful lot of pressure on him.

My DM suffers after MH episodes and has done since I was a young teen. The responsibility and pressure on me was enormous, I ended up with my own MH and needed councilling.

You need the support from professionals, your son is so young and needs to concentrate on becoming an adult and finding his own way in the world. He can still speak to you etc but you need the real support from somewhere else.

My son has called and we have talked. He said he didn't mean to be condescending and that wasn't the tone of the message so I have let it go. He has said he will stay in touch so I don't worry about him.

OK so that's your emotional needs met by him.

What about his emotional needs?

If the OP's son is reading this I hope all the posters affirming his decision to take some time out will help him feel less pressured. It's really not his job to be a parent or a support creature to his mother. We understand that even if she doesn't see it that way.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk may be able to offer him some support. Otherwise I hope he has friends or relatives who will take him in for a while and offer him some of the stability and security he needs. OP has the professionals and system on her side, and money. I hope things work out for her son.