AIBU to think my ex should pay more child maintenance when he earns £720k a year?

[Pashpash24]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible while giving some back story.

I was with my ex-partner for four years. We had a son together, but he walked out before he was born. He saw him a few times as a newborn, but I had asked that he didn’t bring his new partner. My son was six weeks old when he turned up at my door with her, even though I’d said it was too soon.

He took me to court saying she should be allowed to meet him. The court agreed it was too soon and suggested maybe when the baby was older.

Because of that, he told me he would never see his son again. I was devastated and said fine, she can meet him, because I didn’t want him to walk away. But he still refused and never saw him again.

For six years, he had no contact — no visits, no messages, nothing. The only thing he did was pay child maintenance. It was a decent amount (£1,277.50 a month), and I never asked for more.

He went on to have three more children with his now wife. I just got on with life until one day my son came out of school and asked, “I must have a dad, right?” I’d never told him about his father because I didn’t want him to feel abandoned.

When he started asking more questions, I texted his dad to say I was going to tell him the truth — I wasn’t going to raise him on a lie. I’d messaged over the years, even sent photos, and he’d read them on WhatsApp but never replied. So I didn’t expect a response this time either.

Surprisingly, he replied and said maybe it was time to meet. This was when my son was six (he’s now nearly nine). In the last three years, he’s probably met him in person about 10 times. He calls roughly once every 10 days, which I think is poor — it should’ve progressed a lot more by now.

Anyway, to the point. I recently logged into my Child Maintenance account after receiving an unusual notification. It showed his salary: £720,000 a year.

I’ve always been paid £1,277.50 a month because that’s what CMS caps it at. He could earn £1 million a week and I’d still receive that same amount — you have to go to court for any increase.

Would he be able to afford more? Absolutely. I know it’s a decent amount, but he only pays it because that’s the legal minimum CMS tells him to.

I’m self-employed and work part-time so my son can do after-school activities — he’s football mad and trains/plays four times a week. I’m essentially raising him alone; my dad moved 40 miles away, and I have no relationship with my mum. I rarely get a break, but that’s been the reality since the start.

I’ve never asked for an increase, but life is much more expensive now. £1,277 doesn’t go as far as it did six years ago, and £720,000 a year is a huge income.

To put it into perspective — CMS only calculates maintenance on a maximum salary of £156,000 a year. My ex earns over four times that, but I still only get the amount they’d set for £156k — just over 2% of his actual income. Unless I go to court for a “top-up order”, that’s all I’ll ever get.

AIBU to ask for more?

This, are these football activities that your son does during school time or 9-5? Why would they stop you getting a full time job?

Court orders relating to maintenance can be varied after a year, so you might get sent back to CMS, and that very low (for high earners) salary cap.

If there is too much of a difference between his lifestyle for his 3 other children and yours, that could cause issues. But a family court has very flexible views on how that gap can be measured and closed.

I’d absolutely ask for him to start a savings account for his son, not sure I’d ask for more maintenance

YABVVVU. It doesn't cost £1300 per month to raise a child. Don't be greedy.

Although child in this case is much too old for nursery so that's irrelevant

I think £1200 ish is sufficient really isn’t it, and I personally wouldn’t ask for more. Perhaps you could ask for contributions to one off expensive items / clubs etc but I don’t think you necessarily need anymore for his day to day living costs. Yes life is expensive, but he shouldn’t be subbing your standard of living too and what else are you going to spend more on? I’d have found that amount a massive help for my child’s costs, and yes he earns a lot, but he’s paying for what he should, and to ask for more is unnecessary.

Are you sure he makes that amount every year? How do you know this is not a one off as in just the last year due to inheritance or a good business deal. Without more context/knowledge is hard to advise you, specially when he pays enough for your child to have all his reds covered (and more). That's not to say is a fair payment in proportion to his income (if in fact that is his regular income)

I'd be asking what his provision is for his son's education and future, private school fees and maybe some kind of trust. That way he knows it's going directly to his son. The amount you get is more than enough for day to day costs, but he can easily afford to provide for his son in other ways.

Ah OP, you're just greedy.

You actually earn very little out of choice by deliberately choosing part time hours and then claim UC to get a good chunk more, then you take more than you earn per month off your ex boyfriend in sizeable CMS.

Seriously, get off your arse and work if you want more money, or do you think you shouldn't even provide 50% of your own child's costs.

Do you get child benefit & tax credits/UC on top of your part time salary plus the £1200/month?

For people saying why don’t I go work full time I did. I worked full-time from when my son was in Reception until Year 3. He was always the first one in breakfast club and the last one to leave after-school club because I worked in an estate agent’s, and I hated it.

After that, I opened my own café and worked 7 days a week — he was with me in the café on weekends. I’ve never “cried poverty” and I’m not shy of hard work.

Now I work for myself cleaning houses and offices during school hours so my son can actually attend football training three evenings a week and play at weekends — something he couldn’t do before. Yes, I now work part-time, but that’s a conscious choice to give him a better quality of life.

If I received more maintenance, I’d use it exactly how most parents would: I’d shop for better quality food, buy him nicer clothes, take him on more days out, and go on more holidays together. My son is my life — I’m not looking for more so I can get my nails done.

So it shows me what CMS has down for his salary after pensions etc. And it shows what he’s earnt every year since too. He plays sport for a living.

I think you're unreasonable, yes, because you aren't seeing it as the cost of raising your son, you're seeing it as something you should be entitled to in order to live the lifestyle you want to.

It doesn't cost more than £1277 a month (plus whatever your contribution would be) to raise a 9 year old.

You aren't unreasonable to ask but you are unreasonable to feel entitled.

This is dangerously wrong.

OP pay for a one off consultation with a decent solicitor to get parameters for what is reasonable. There is a new formula developed from a recent case. Get solicitor to calculate it for you then as a first step approach your ex for that specific sum.

This.

I wouldn't want his money for anything to do with me, but I would very much like for DS to be considered long term. If not on the same level as his other kids then I'm sure this man could stump up for university fees or a house deposit when DS is an adult.

Do you really work part time so you son can play football? Not asking to be nasty or anything just genuinely intrigued. I’ve not come across that before

I would not pursue this OP.
Your son has only seen his father for 10 days in the last almost 9 years.
He completely ignored his existence, except to pay minimal child maintenance for 6 of those years.
The last time you stood up to him, he took you to court and then despite your pleas, refused to have any contact with your DS for 6 years, and even then, contact was instigated by you.
You have sent him numerous messages and photos over the years that didn't elicit a single response.

I can tell you 4 things about this man.

1. He doesn't take instruction or advice well.
2. He has barely any emotional investment in your DS.
3. He doesn't have enough morals to pay more.
4. He is going to resist paying you a single penny more with everything he's got.

Your DS will ultimately pay the price for your request.
I would leave it, and focus on supporting your DS to navigate this relationship with his father, step mother and siblings, for as long as your DS chooses to.
If you ask for more money, it won't end well at all.

Behave.

What time is football practice, 3 times a week that no properly working parent can make it.

It's just excuses because you already receive enough top ups and money from your ex boyfriend to not need more hours to make ends meet. Yet you want more cash.

Your kid's already being financially supported much more by dad and the government than you. But instead of working you make excuses about bettering his life by working low hours and the only option that doesn't cross your mind is you actually working to earn more money.

Hand on heart. Genuinely the reason. Where we lived at the time the only club that had space for him started training at 5:30pm and I finished at 5. My commute was 40 minutes and I could never get him there on time. When I say he is obsessed, he is obsessed with football. His bedrooms a shrine to Liverpool lol

If that was the case, I would have done it years ago wouldn’t I. Please keep your assumptions to yourself. You really don’t have any idea.

There is no harm in approaching him and saying you feel his ds is missing out on holidays etc and ask if he would consider a voluntary top up. His other dc must have a very different lifestyle.

Yeah yeah...

So what time is the "evening" football practice then.

Because that's the third time you've pretended not to hear the question.

Ah cross post.

So pick a job where you can take him?

Is is that ridiculous that you're now claiming you can only work full time hours at least half an hour away from "the only club that will take him"

If he plays sport for a living and had a child 8 years I imagine that he might be at or nearing the end of his prime playing years. You may subsequently find the amount starts to fall quite substantially now. With this in mind, the idea of getting some sort of capital sum into a trust fund/wider form of savings now seems a very prudent idea as unlike those in the financial services industry etc it may not be sustainable plus the ever risk of injury etc. I would get what you can now locked into savings. Make hay while the sun shines.

If he's making his money from playing sports, then it's quite different from someone with a high paying job in the city or whatever - his high earning years will be relatively short lived and he'll need to be saving in case his earnings drop substantially when he retires from playing. I think in that case then courts might not be on your side so much.