Wedding no show. Was I unreasonable to block her?

[Nowtinit]

I got married earlier this year. It was a fairly big wedding. 100 guests with a sit down meal etc.

I used to have a friend who I was fairly close to back in the day. Knew each other from school. Had many a fun night out drinking in our youth as well as some holidays away etc. She got married and had her kids a few years back now (her children are 8 and 10 now) but we never lost contact and still saw each other regularly for the most part. She moved away 2 years ago to an area about 2 hours away from our home town. We still kept in touch but neither of us went to see the other as life was always just busy. But we were always friendly on text but they dwindled a bit as well.

Anyway when i was organising the wedding I messaged her to say I know we haven’t been in touch as much but I’d love it if she (and her husband and kids) could come to the wedding, but I understood if it was too much of a hassle coming the 2 hours back this way. She replied immediately saying she’d definitely be coming and would there be a hen do etc. I said there would be but I hadn’t organised that yet so would be in touch and would also send out a formal invite.

I sent the invite, she RSVP’d immediately for the whole family including the meals they wanted etc. Once the hen was organised I sent her those details (night out in our home town. Meal and drinks). She replied great I’ll be there!

Two weeks before the hen party (which was 4 weeks before the wedding) she text to say she’d forgotten it was her nephews birthday the same day as the hen so she couldn’t come. It was quite a blunt text (for her) but I said no problem and I was looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. She replied with “yes me too. I have our hotel and train all booked!”

Day of the wedding arrived, and she just didn’t show. I checked her instagram and she’d been posting pictures of her family as normal the week leading up to the wedding as well as on the day on the wedding (they appeared to be at a park or similar on the day). I gave it a few days to see if she’d get in touch but nothing. One evening (after a few wines) I did send a passive aggressive text saying I assume you couldn’t make the wedding then? She read it and didn’t reply. So I just deleted and blocked her on everything.

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve pretty much just forgotten all about it. But the other night I woke up and I’d had 4 missed calls. 3 were withheld numbers and 1 was her husbands number. One of the withheld numbers had left a voicemail which was just people laughing hysterically followed by someone (female but not my friend) saying bitch really loudly. No idea if it was her/related to her but I’m guessing it was due to her husbands number also ringing me within a few mins of that message.

I don’t really get what happened? She was always a normal person. Not flakey. A good friend. Not aggressive or rude. Just…. Normal. Yes we’d lost touch a bit but we’d never fallen out. I always messaged her happy birthday and she did the same. Yes my post wedding text was a bit PA but the fact she didn’t even bother to let me know she couldn’t come or even apologise after the fact did piss me off a bit. We’d paid for the whole families meals etc and there was 4 wasted seats. To just not get in touch at all was just rude in my opinion. I was quite happy to just forget about her and carry on. But then this weird phone call/voicemail happened and its brought it all back up again. Especially as it seems very out of character for her to be so almost malicious. She’s never been like that before. But I guess maybe she’s changed in the past 2 years. Who knows.

I think it was something to do with the hen night, was she staying at yours, did you expect her to stay in a hotel, as her text cancelling the hen night was off i would say she is annoyed at you for some reasom, maybe the other women had been messaging her asking for money,.was there a group chat, if so maybe someone else upset her

I had a friend like that. I invited her and her family to our housewarming. She confirmed the night before that she was coming. On the day she did not show up. I texted her asking if she was still coming otherwise I'd start serve my guests. She read my WhatsApp message and did not reply. She also rejected a phone call I made. I later saw on social media that she was out drinking with her other friends.

She did not attempt to contact me until a month later to apologise. I accepted her apology but our friendship was never the same after that and I didn't invite her out again. She'll still send me the odd happy birthday message and vice versa but I no longer see her.

Id want to get to the bottom of it so I'd be calling and asking what the husband's call was about. And then hopefully the whole story why she didn't attend the wedding would be revealed. I don't think friends' characters do change vastly so I doubt you have anything to fear. That's what I'd do at any rate.

Have you actually spoken to her? My mind always goes to the worst case scenario if stuff happens that is out of character. Do you know it was her messaging you since you contacted her and not her husband? Is she actually in the SM photos posted?
Seems very odd she would be happy to attend both the hen and wedding and then go silent after the no show.

Possibly but that doesn’t explain no follow up text a day or a few days later.

I was due to go to a friends wedding evening reception (party!) last year and she knew we were travelling back from somewhere that day. Due to an accident and major road closure we took over twice as long.

I didn’t text her that evening as I didn’t think my absense was more important than her day and it wasn’t about me.

I text the next day to apologise and explained why and arranged to take her out for lunch etc at her convenience (and my cost!)

Its the silence that’s rude - and the phone calls even ruder and down ridiculous.

No idea why she missed the wedding however the way you messaged her in a passive aggressive manner and then blocked her might have pissed her off.

The onus was on her to let you know she wasn’t coming, whatever the reason/excuse - and the late night phone calls are shocking. Truly pathetic.

She’s the bitch.

I cannot actually believe that there are posters on this thread that are saying that YOU are bitchy! Wtaf.

this woman is rude as fuck, and absolute fucking looney tune by the sounds of it!

you were so right to block her! Fuck that shit

The contortions on here to make Op the problem rather than the friend.

I swear this is getting more and more common on MN (I'm not the same poster who wrote that! )

I get it. You cared and valued, maybe even friendship loved this person who had been in your life possibly longer than any other friend so much that you invited her and her entire family to your wedding, and she stands you and yours up on your big day and doesn't even bother to tell you, after stringing you along?

It's very hurtful. Especially as it didn't need to be that way, she could have just said she couldn't come, much like the hen do. As she lives 2 hours aways he could have just said no all the way along.

I suspect the friend felt she and OP had grown apart, didn’t really want to come to the wedding or the hen, but said yes because it was the path of least resistance. Thinks she’ll make excuses nearer the time and forgets or is too embarrassed to say anything. Probably kids herself that nobody will notice (she doesn’t necessarily know how big or small the wedding is). Then gets rumbled, realises that her social media has deprived her of any plausible excuse, feels bad because she’s behaved like a shit, tries to get her new mates to make her feel better by telling her it’s all somehow OP’s fault, and then drunkenly does something even more stupid by phoning OP using her husband’s phone.

Crap behaviour, and emotionally immature, but it doesn’t necessarily suggest the friend has had a personality transplant. She did something stupid, didn’t have the wit to do the decent thing and extricate herself by apologising (and sending a big wedding present costing more than the wasted food), and ended up making things a lot worse.

Nah.. not showing up at the wedding or making any contact is shit. Blocking was just right!

She originally asked me if there would be a hen do on the day she said she’d love to come to the wedding. Once I knew the details I told her where and when. She moved 2 hours away so yes if she wanted to come she’d have had to stay in a hotel or try and get home late at night which I doubt would be possible. I was also staying in a hotel (which I mentioned in the details text). I gave her my bridesmaids number in the text as well. But none of it was “secret” or anything. I organised it pretty much myself. It was just a meal and drinks in a bar. Didn’t cost anyone anything other than paying for their own food and drinks. And obviously hotel or travel if needed.

I didn’t actually expect her to want to travel all the way for just a meal and night out but she asked about it. She knows she now lives two hours away from me it wasn’t a surprise. I also didn’t care if she’d have said no. I’m 40+. I don’t expect my wedding or hen do to inconvenience everyone massively. Come or don’t come. I didn’t mind her cancelling at all for the hen. As I said it wasn’t a paid for event that was reliant on certain numbers or anything.

There was a group chat with the (9 other) women but I’ve seen it and other than the meeting times, a what to wear conversation and a few party emojis no one really posted in it! Clearly I’m very boring! 🤣

25 years ago I forgot to attend a friend’s wedding, which I’d accepted the invitation for. In my mind it was the following weekend. The reason I forgot the correct date was that I was having a bit of a breakdown at the time as my marriage was unravelling. When it was brought to my attention the week after the wedding, I was mortified, apologised profusely and sent a further gift.

Your former friend sounds rude in the extreme. Best case scenario is she was too embarrassed to say anything at all, but that’s not much of an explanation and doesn’t explain the calls. In your shoes I think I would send her and her husband messages explaining how disappointed you are that (a) they didn’t show up, with no advance warning and (b) that they then didn’t apologise for, or even explain the reasons for not turning up to a wedding for they’d accepted the invitation for the whole family.

She’s rude, very rude!

Honestly OP I’d move on!

Why do ppl always have to react.
Just block and forget. No need for drama.
A real friend dosent let you down like that.

Op you've done nothing wrong. Stop wasting your mental energy on her. Just assume that in the time you have not seen her, she has turned into a nasty bitch. It can happen. If she starts mixing with that sort, it can rub off.

You are right to be shocked and upset and I think you are right to block her too after the nasty calls. I would have done the same thing. Keep this thread by some means. Sometimes people like her can escalate a bit and it might be helpful to have a current record of what has gone on.

Forget her. She was nice once and now she's not. You had no way of knowing that when you open handedly invited her. As you go through life, you shed some people. This is one of those times.

There are definitely people who think if they can’t be bothered to go to something, even though they have agreed, it’s fine to just not bother. Has she been unreliable in the past? I bet she hadn’t even booked a hotel etc, just never got round to it.

She knows she’s in the wrong but it’s probably easier in her mind to make out you were in the wrong in some way and be a dick to you.

My first thought when I read your thread, given the husband's message and the prior behaviour and character of your friend, was that the husband is controlling or something and prevented her from going.

But what do you I know! A school friend of mine cut off our whole circle seemingly out of the blue 🤷

I wouldn't bother texting the husband but I would pick up the phone and ring him.
Hopefully he answers and ye catch him on the hop 'had a missed call from you at 1am, all ok?'
I'd be very interested to hear what he comes up with on the spot.
Texting gives people time to think up some BS, answering a call doesn't give the same opportunity (if he answers of course).

I would try to rise above this, but I would be really tempted to send a message to her husband along the lines of:

’Hi Derek. Hope you’re well. I had some odd missed calls and an abusive voicemail the other night - not sure if you’re aware, but your number came up as part of that. I’m considering flagging the voicemail to the police just so it’s on record, but I wanted to check first if Jane is ok as it appears that she’s the connection here and the calls seem like the actions of someone who could be unwell or struggling. Sorry you and the family couldn’t make our wedding - I was really concerned on the day not to see or hear from you, but then saw on social media that you had been busy doing other things so assume that everything is ok your end. As I’m sure you know, these things are costly affairs - if you want to make good, the cost of the four meals for you all was £X and my bank details are (fill in).’

However, I might then not send it if I thought there was any chance her husband was abusive.

I mean, clearly it was your friend using her husbands phone (drunkenly), then hanging up realising it wasn't a good idea and using a blocked number to leave a VM.

People are weird. I've had something vaguely similar happen to me too. A friend of 6 years just blocked me and went totally cold for no apparent reason. It mystified me for years.

Sounds like you have better friends now - this woman sounds a little hinged. Totally ok to block.

The shitty voicemails are so weird.

One of my friends pulled out of my hen do because of childcare issues, and then didn't turn up to the wedding. We still talk occasionally, but it definitely changes the relationship. I'm still deep down (not so deep!) pissed off about it really, so I get how you feel about the situation though

Even if they were posting on social media on the day of the wedding ?

So sorry this happened to you and what an awful way to treat you and not have the decency to say something in the days after the wedding.

Similarly, I had someone do this to me, although they did tell someone within the wedding party that they weren't coming on the morning of. I waited and waited … never heard from them until I literally bumped into them months later at the shop. It was so awkward. They did sit me down and explain a few more weeks after our initial bump into each other but I just couldn’t move past the fact that they never contacted me in the days/weeks/months after.