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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving me the ick **trigger warning sexual abuse**

87 replies

Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:05

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood so this probably clouds my view of this.
DH has always gone on and on about wanting sex. Gropes me all day long and makes suggestions. I can never just hug him. I don’t like it. I’ve said that. This last week he has been incessant. But the more he moans about it the more it puts me off. I don’t want to be hassled for it! It makes me feel disgusting.
would this bother you?

OP posts:
Liliwen · 11/08/2025 22:06

Yes, sexual harassment like that would bother me very much

fivetriangulartrees · 11/08/2025 22:06

I think it would bother most people.

myplace · 11/08/2025 22:07

Yea it would. You don’t have to endure sexual assault even if he’s your husband.

edit for clarity.

singswithitsfingers · 11/08/2025 22:07

Yes, it's very off putting, to state it mildly. How is your relationship otherwise?

Original poster
Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:07

He says it’s because I’m funny about sex but I don’t think many people would like this. I’m constantly made to feel guilty 😢

OP posts:
Rosegoldy · 11/08/2025 22:08

God help you.
Yes living with a sex pest who harrassed me and groped me, treating me like a piece of meat would be just awful.
No normal at all.

Melonjuice · 11/08/2025 22:09

Have you told him this ? Chances are he would be mortified if he really knew how it was making you feel
talk to him - tell him it has to stop - now
he might see it as playful but it isn’t

mumofoneAloneandwell · 11/08/2025 22:09
Dont Touch Me Big Brother GIF by CBC

He sounds like a literal sex pest 🤢

I picture a weedy man, following you around the kitchen, trying to rub his crotch on you

Edit - in all seriousness, this man needs to sort it out, he sounds like a weak husband who cant keep you safe from the triggers of your past 😞 x

MegaMinion34 · 11/08/2025 22:09

So he's using your trauma to gaslight you (saying you only dislike it because you're 'funny' about sex, and you're 'funny' about sex because you were sexually abused).

He is vile.

MegaMinion34 · 11/08/2025 22:10

Melonjuice · 11/08/2025 22:09

Have you told him this ? Chances are he would be mortified if he really knew how it was making you feel
talk to him - tell him it has to stop - now
he might see it as playful but it isn’t

OP literally states in their post that she has told him she doesn't like it. He continues to do it.

Original poster
Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:11

He thinks I should be pleased that he finds me attractive. Oh god. He’s not nice is he? I’ve been married to him for almost 20 years as we married young and have three DC

OP posts:
MegaMinion34 · 11/08/2025 22:12

He is worse than not nice. He is abusing you. I'm so sorry, OP.

iamnotalemon · 11/08/2025 22:12

Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:07

He says it’s because I’m funny about sex but I don’t think many people would like this. I’m constantly made to feel guilty 😢

That makes it even worse that he’s trying to blame you!!

He does sound like a sex pest and I wouldn’t like it either.

Original poster
Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:13

He’s sulking tonight as after being asked and asked I got put off and didn’t want to. He’s now sulking FFS

OP posts:
Rosegoldy · 11/08/2025 22:17

He sounds abusive and repulsive.
20 years he has been abusing you?
I think you need to speak to a domestic abuse charity.
Coercive sex is rape, is a crime.

Reach out for support.
You don't have to tolerate this.

Driftingawaynow · 11/08/2025 22:20

Having your experiences of SA weaponised against you to manipulate you into having sex. Bleak, grim, not OK. The clearer you can articulate this to him the better. And then stick to your guns.

PashaMinaMio · 11/08/2025 22:23

I can empathise with you OP. I’m sorry you are having to cope with this abuse.

My late ex-husband was what I now know to be, a “sex pest.” It was an absolute nightmare and I wish I’d been able to label it back all those years ago like we can now.

I also understand more about marital rape now . There was no such thing back then, or at least, not labelled or discussed like lots of things are now.

It’s so fkng wearing, harassing and tedious and was part of other issues which destroyed our marriage. It wore me down, it exhausted me and I gave it too many years of my life.

Don’t waste too much time hoping he will change. In my experience, he won’t.

myplace · 11/08/2025 22:23

Please get help. You don’t have to put up with this. It’s coercive. It’s assault. There’s no consent when you’re afraid to say no because of the repercussions.

Original poster
Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:26

I’m starting to think back now to when our relationship began. I was 18 and he is 15 years older than me. I’ve never thought of it as a problem but I was fresh out of childhood abuse. Have I made a huge mistake? 😢

OP posts:
noctilucentcloud · 11/08/2025 22:26

Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:11

He thinks I should be pleased that he finds me attractive. Oh god. He’s not nice is he? I’ve been married to him for almost 20 years as we married young and have three DC

Sorry OP, no he's not a good person. How dare he tell you that. You overcame child sexual abuse, that makes you an incredibly strong person. Please talk to someone like Women's Aid, how he treats you is not ok and you (and your children) deserve so much better than him.

SecretNameforMN · 11/08/2025 22:30

You need to sit him down and have a proper discussion. With a big table between you.

Original poster
Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:33

I don’t think I feel worried about what will happen if I say no but I just get annoyed that he will then sulk or make a fuss. FWIW he doesn’t work and I do so I’m exhausted after work today and didn’t need this!

OP posts:
noctilucentcloud · 11/08/2025 22:34

Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:26

I’m starting to think back now to when our relationship began. I was 18 and he is 15 years older than me. I’ve never thought of it as a problem but I was fresh out of childhood abuse. Have I made a huge mistake? 😢

I don't think you made a huge mistake, he was probably drawn to you because you were vulnerable because of being young and your previous abuse. You can't change the past. But you're now seeing that there is an issue with how he treats you. He sounds abusive. What would be a mistake would be not to listen to that inner voice of yours that says no he's wrong, I deserve better. Please talk to someone like Women's Aid. Your next 20 years don't have to be like your last.

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 11/08/2025 22:34

Thirtysomething123 · 11/08/2025 22:26

I’m starting to think back now to when our relationship began. I was 18 and he is 15 years older than me. I’ve never thought of it as a problem but I was fresh out of childhood abuse. Have I made a huge mistake? 😢

That's creepy. A 33 year old shouldnt be preying on girls not long out of school.

And as for the constant groping, thats awful, totally not normal, and sexual abuse.

That would more than give me the ick. It would make my skin crawl and I'd leave.

Nextdoormat · 11/08/2025 22:35

My ex was like this, I hated it, very off putting and you should be able to hug and be loving without him always turning it into proposition for sex. I couldn't cope with this again, my ex didn't see that he was the problem, and thankfully he is very much out of my life.
OP you have my sympathy, awful situation.