DH giving me the ick **trigger warning sexual abuse**

[Thirtysomething123]

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood so this probably clouds my view of this.
DH has always gone on and on about wanting sex. Gropes me all day long and makes suggestions. I can never just hug him. I don’t like it. I’ve said that. This last week he has been incessant. But the more he moans about it the more it puts me off. I don’t want to be hassled for it! It makes me feel disgusting.
would this bother you?

Why doesn’t he work? And yes. He shouldn’t have been targeted a vulnerable 18yr old.

You need women’s aid and the freedom programme. The childhood abuse eft you vulnerable to another abusive man, I’m sorry. Not your fault. Not your mistake. But yes- not good.

This. What a prince amongst men! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this OP.

Really really gently OP you were fragile and very young and he was a predator and took advantage of you. Victims of sexual abuse can go to another abusive relationship unfortunately . His behaviour isn’t normal

No man should act like this if their wife won’t sleep with them.

Have you been to counselling? Seriously consider your circumstances and soeak to someone. Nothing here sounds good.

I wish you all the very best and am sorry for what you have experienced. What your OH is giving you isn’t love and you need to know your worth.

The way he’s treating you and your trauma is absolutely disgusting and vile. Anyone deserves better than that, leave him.

Do you really want your children being raised in an environment where their dad is sexually harassing their mum? This is not normal and not OK. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long.

He needs educating- enthusiastic consent does not come from constantly hassling you for sex.

Why doesn’t he work? Probably spends all day porning!

Yes men like this disgust me. I've had very sexually demanding relationships and ended up also not wanting to hug them because it's going to lead somewhere. Ultimately how they behave, we end up putting more of a barrier up... which is the opposite to what they want!! It frustrates me that they can't see what they're doing (or don't care and simply keep trying).

I've ended up feeling that's all they want me for, not being able to relax properly in my home or sex that goes on forever I've ended relationships over. We shouldn't feel like someone's sex object.

Yes, it's difficult if a couple have mismatched sex drives.

But men who seek out partners who are basically still children half their age and who they know suffered CSA ...

Who have zero compassion or empathy for what was suffered ...

Dismiss it with belittling language ...

And pester and persist and grope and sulk ...

Why doesn't he work? Add to that the fact that you are the one who goes out to work while he doesn't and are exhausted by it ...

Ugh.

You need to get out

Be strong and know you can be made to be loved and not be mauled

Based on your comment about your ages, etc. I don't think the SA has clouded your judgement. He preyed on you and took advantage of you. And he's still trying to. Your judgement is accurate and thankfully you're able to see the SA for what it is. It's really difficult to see abuse for what it is, especially when it starts as a child and you can do that. That's the hardest part. Trust yourself on this and prioritize what you need. Look at your future and what you could do with it instead of continuing to endure this. You could do some very healing things, meet new people, start new hobbies and thrive in ways you never new existed. Can you tell I'm a survivor? I promise it's immeasurably more fulfilling to live alone than with someone who uses your body. Don't do that thing where you look at all the time you wasted with him and try to figure out a way to save it or change him. You know when its abuse there's no changing, except for the worse. Look instead at the years ahead and asknyourself what it would look like if you were truly thriving with your whole self. It's a mountain to climb but you'll be on a path with a lot of other incredible survivors like yourself, and it's a pretty amazing place to be. You had the cognition and the heart to write this post so I know you have what it takes to move above this situation. 💪💕 Just remember that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving an abusive man, so even if he's never been physically violent outside the SA behavior, please talk to your local domestic violence groups or family who can help buffer you and make sure you're safe, preferably a safehouse or other location that's unknown to him 💪💕

Has the same issues but not with child hood abuse. He used to constantly touch me I told him to stop and eventually I use to shout at him to stop he needs to know boundary

This is going to sound pathetic….
I’ve asked him to leave before when he was physically abusive. He just said no. How do I make him go?
the rent of our house is in my name but how do I make him go?
I feel so awful that I’m doing this to DC
Thank you for your support xxx

Thank goodness the tenancy is in your name.

Have you approached women’s aid, or similar?

I believe you can ring the police if he refuses to leave. It may be helpful to inform your landlord so that they aren’t caught out by him claiming to have ‘locked himself out’.

If it’s rented through an agency, you could ask them- it must be really common, they will have dealt with it before.

But rereading your post-

He’s been physically abusive before.
He sexually assaults you routinely and regularly despite being asked to stop.
He has refused to leave your home.

I think I’d go to the police.

You're the tenant, not him.
You're the worker, earner, pension holder, not him.
I imagine you're the bill payer, not him.

See a solicitor to find out your rights and responsibilities as a married person. Ask them if he can be required to leave.

And consider being the one who leaves and setting up in a new home.

He chose a relationship with you because you were obviously vulnerable. He is a sex pest and and has been abusive. You have said that he doesn't work. Does he make any financial contribution to the household?

If it's just your name on the tenancy, please speak to your landlord and see whether they will change the locks so that you can kick him out.

Speak to a domestic abusve charity for advice on leaving him safely.

Why doesn’t he work?

He hasn’t worked for most of our marriage. Says he can’t find anything in his field. I feel like a mug. My job is reliable and steady. He contributes universal credit

Get rid of him. He's an abusive sponger.

OP he has taken advantage of your good kind nature left right and centre. It's not your fault, and you don't have to put up with it any more. You sound very capable so how about making a plan for a new life?

I’m so sorry you are going through this, he sounds unbelievably vile for all the reasons outlined by PP above. I hope you can get some good advice and move on from this ASAP. Remember you will be ensuring your children don’t grow up to see this appalling behaviour as normal and that’s a wonderful gift to give them.

Women's aid will be able to support you to separate safety and should advise on occupation orders or non molestation orders if needed.
It sounds like he doesn't value you as a person, he just sees you as someone who should look after him and be available for sex when ever he wants it. Does he harass you in front of your children?
Good luck, you are still young and have a great life to look forward to.

You have my sympathy but please can we stop using the term ‘the ick’? It trivialises and infantilises the situatio, in my opinion.

He is not a nice man and never was. Urgh, the very thought of being in the same post code as this entitled, manipulative arsehole makes my skin crawl.

Holy crap! He doesn’t respect you at all. It sounds like you were an easy target. I’m so sorry. Do you have any support in real life?