DH giving me the ick **trigger warning sexual abuse**

[Thirtysomething123]

I was sexually abused throughout my childhood so this probably clouds my view of this.
DH has always gone on and on about wanting sex. Gropes me all day long and makes suggestions. I can never just hug him. I don’t like it. I’ve said that. This last week he has been incessant. But the more he moans about it the more it puts me off. I don’t want to be hassled for it! It makes me feel disgusting.
would this bother you?

I had one of these. A vile, disgusting, abusive animal. I was assaulted regularly and it's changed how I feel about the world. I don't date anymore because I don't trust my judgement and only feel safe alone. The horrors that go on behind closed doors are terrifying.

OP, please get help and get rid of this man. It will not improve and it will never end. He likes abusing you. Even if it stopped tomorrow could you really stay with him after this history of abuse?

Now that you are waking up to your situation, you can work towards freeing yourself. He probably won't go easily but you can and will do this. You will be strong enough with the right information and support. ❤

Huge congratulations for having the strength to see this for what it is and choosing to do something about it for you and your kids.
This man is an abusive, sponging, creepy, sex pest … get rid and welcome to your new life ✊🏻

I was a lesbian apparently because I didn't want sex multiple times a day.

....and a divorce lawyer next to her.

It's not you, it's him but you can take control back by ending the relationship. It will be hard at times but you will come out the other side with a weight off your shoulders.

I was married to a similar man for close on 25 years. Striking out on my own was terrifying, I put it off for so many years and when I eventually did it I didn't do it in a planned way so was chaotic for a time but it was still the best thing I ever did.

I am so sorry you are going through this. From
all your posts put together he doesn’t sound good. He harasses you for sex and sulks, has been physical with you in past, and doesn’t contribute financially. To me I would split up as I think now you sound like you are ready to!

But if you can’t leave him right now please get counselling and try work on your self esteem. You sound lovely and normal and he sounds crap and abusive tbh. And please focus on improving things for yourself. If he sulks fuck him. It’s childish and as you would ignore a child tantrums ignore his. But have a word with him and clearly put your boundaries in place. You may have to keep doing this. Spell it out. If you keep hugging me and groping me you totally put me off sex and I won’t be doing it. If he says you’re weird, other women would love it, you should be grateful, you used to like it etc etc - tell him well you don’t care about other women, you don’t like it and it’s putting you off him and sex so he needs to change it. If he gropes you that day and you don’t want sex - no sex. If he sulks - ignore him and enjoy the peace!

If he is physical again call police if he won’t leave. I’m so sorry you went through this x

Financially he sounds like a total drain. I’m not sure you can fix this. But can you start trying to get your finances organised as much as possible away from his. Open a separate account you never tell him about etc.

Op I really hope you leave him! But if you can’t right now please know this isn’t you and yes he has conditioned you to accept his abnormal shit after meeting you at an extremely vulnerable time. It’s not you! I’m so sorry and hope you are as ok as can be x

I don’t think you’re being weird. I had an ex like you DH and it made me think I had a really low sex drive and am possibly asexual… turns out I’m not I just don’t like pushy handsy men! I would say I actually have a high sex drive when I’m not under duress! I don’t think this is to do with you expecting abuse to be honest - it seems pretty normal to be put off by sexual harassment even if it’s from your husband.

Op also to say please don’t be hard on yourself or feel bad about causing this situation. You haven’t and it’s amazing you are seeing it! It is so extremely common that abused children can end up in some version of an abusive relationship. Children get conditioned to expect love on someone else’s terms and that sex is expected and demanded. They become passive and submissive to protect themselves. An abusive man will then step in and pick up the reigns and carry on. Hence the life long impacts of child abuse…
But you don’t have to put up with this! You are so brave and your heart is right to realise this isn’t normal. X

I think that this comment here is your answer. Leave this vile man and start again. You're young, there's so much happiness out there for you ❤️

Oh OP. I am so sorry that you are going through this BUT I'm also so happy that the scales are starting to fall from your eyes. To be clear, this man has been sexually and financially abusing you for a long time. I suspect that you'll find he's also been emotionally manipulative/controlling/abusive (how much of what you do/say/go/wear/eat etc is becuase that's the way HE prefers it?).

Are you actually married? That might impact things even like getting him out of the house.

My advice is to call Womens Aid in the first instance. You need to be signposted to the RIGHT resources. If your name is the only one on the tenancy, that's great, but if you're married, I'm not sure what the process is.

Similarly, will he claim he has been the children's primary carer? Because that is going to impact things (I suspect he's NEVER been the primary carer, notwithstanding not working, but....). So you'll need to speak with a solicitor to get advice.

I'd normally agree but in this case I think it's become so normalised for the OP that she genuinely didn't realise how seriously wrong it is.

Tell him anyone would be 'funny about sex' if they were married to a sex pest like him

He's revolting

What is his field? Sexually harassing women?

He pursued you when you were a teenager who was 15 years younger than him, so he was 33 when you were 18 but you have been the breadwinner throughout your marriage? Obviously, that pales into insignificance in comparison with his physical and sexual abuse, but what a lazy, cocklodging loser he is.

He’s taking you for an absolute ride.

So he gets to stay at home all day whilst you work full time then when you’re finally home he pesters you like some live in sex worker to constantly be ready for him? M

I can bet he’s not exactly picking up the slack with childcare or household duties whilst being out of work either.

He does do the housework and childcare as my job can be unpredictable in terms of hours. I’m worried he would get DC 😢

Start by asking for help.
Contact Domestic abuse charities.
He targeted you as barely a child.
15 years older than you, when you were 18 is disgusting. I have an 18 year old and I would be beside myself if she got involved with such a much older man.

Hd has lived off you. Won't leave?
I think you are a victim of Coercive control.

You can walk into a police station and ask for Domestic abuse/Coercive control/sexual abuse help.

You do not have to tolerate this any more.

What age are your children?

It does sound like an awful marriage, OP.

How old are your children now?

Fucking hell, he was 33! Sounds like he took advantage of your vulnerability.

Why did you marry him?

I would definitely divorce him, he's massively abusive.

Christ. You say ‘we married young’, OP, but he didn’t, did he? He was a 33 year old man who went after a vulnerable and traumatised teenager, and has since treated you as a combination of workhorse and plaything (with a little sprinkling of DV on top), all whilst cocklodging on your dime under your roof.

You’re right, he’s not a nice man.

How old are you now, and how old are your children? Do you have any kind of support network?

As @Rosegoldy says, you need to get yourself some help. Women’s Aid is a good starting point, and google The Freedom Programme to start to get better informed about your situation and your options. You don’t have to continue living with a lazy, abusive sex pest.

He is a sex pest. Even when i"m all loved up in a relationship, this would get in my nerves. In my opinion this is another level of sex pest because he knows the awful suffering during your childhood yet he does not take this into.consideration. Vile.

You need legal advice and quickly. Please phone womens aid, have a look at their website too.

Talk to women’s aid. Get advice. Describe how things are. Generally women realise it’s worse than they thought.

He’s unlikely to get DC if he’s being investigated for coercive control and rape- if that is what has been happening.

Take back control of your life. Stop enabling him. Look at your schedule and see what it looks like if you are single. See what parts of the school run etc you can do, what you’d need help with. After school club?

It’s possible work will be sympathetic and flexible, if you are able to explain to a manager that you are experiencing domestic abuse.

You don’t have to go along with this just because you always have. You are not the vulnerable 18yr old you used to be. You can make changes.

‘Bother’ doesn’t touch the sides of what would feel.

Rage
Wanting to end the relationship
Insulted
Demeaned

Now we are starting to get into the right territory.

No OP, your childhood experience isn't clouding your view. Your response to this endless assault is perfectly normal.

If you've ever had sex to shut him up - that's not consent
If you've ever had sex to avoid the inevitable consequence - that's not consent
If you've ever had sex that you said no to - that's not consent

If you've ever had sex you didn't fully consent to, then you have been raped.

If you're in the UK, the law is clear on this. If these have been some of your experiences then you are involved with a man who is predatory, dangerous and not what you thought he was.

I know people mean well when they suggest talking to him about this. He already knows on a daily basis this distresses you. He knows he's trying to push you into sex you don't want. He knows you're saying no but he ignores it.

He won't stop out of respect for the harm this does to you. He's an abuser, they enjoy hurting you more than they would ever enjoy loving you.

I say this on every one of these threads, so I'll say it again here. These men don't think like we do.

That's why we get blindsided, why it takes time for us to start questioning. They tie you in knots gaslighting you until somehow you think it's your fault or you're over reacting.

Reframe this through the lens that he hates you rather than loves you and it may make more sense x

Please contact Women's Aid who will be able to help you.

You were extremely vulnerable at 18 and clearly had no one to tell you that a 33 year old man chasing you was so massively inappropriate.

Start thinking about how a shared childcare arrangement might work.

If you don't want him touching you, then you tell him to stop. He needs to respect your boundaries.