To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

[peevedpartner]

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

OP
But he can get quite verbally nasty to us all. Children both likely ADHD or AuADHD so fragile like me, but he won't let me get them tested. Another thing he's threatened to divorce me over.

I missed this comment. OP, why on earth are you subjecting your kids to this. No wonder you and the kids are fragile, that’s what happens when you live with someone who is nasty to you. The fact he can be nice at other times doesn’t make it ok. You have to put your children first and you have to protect them. Lots of Dads improve once they have divorced. No one is saying splitting up is easy but you really need to think of how his behaviour and how the state of your marriage affects your kids.

Seeing that you think he has pressurized his Mum for the money I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. I’d definitely get him to ring fence it. I’m suprised you want anything to do with it.

Is his mother gifting the money to him or to his family ? Does she know what he is suggesting ?

And putting aside the question of why you're not able to leave him, you do know that putting a larger share of the assets in the name of the self employed party is more risky, don't you ? Why would he want to risk the family home when he's at higher risk of financial jeopardy than you ?

He can't see that going from joint ownership to quarter ownership of your family home is unsettling for you which says a lot about the man you are married to. Whatever he is, he's not a family man so why stay in a family with him ? Life can be so much better than this.

What a load of rubbish .
I would much prefer my kind sweet dh who never verbally abusers our children. But has a modest salary. Then your bully of a husband who is obviously not an amazing father .
Well time will tell. They will probably remember when adults or turn out just like him.
He even sounds like he bullied his mother for the money to get your new house .

Sell the house, sell the flat, move out and buy your own place. A shoebox in your own name would be better than a mansion with this troll.

If you don’t buy the new house then you don’t need to agree the theoretical split.

If you’ve been married for 20 years it’s all in the joint pot at this stage. He’s kidding himself, the big bully.

Don’t sign that!
You are married, everything should be equal. Stick to your guns over this.

But long term, i wouldn’t be staying with him . If you sell both the flat and current house, you could both walk away with enough to start again.

Apart from the fact he's obviously a complete wanker, I don't really understand why ADHD means you can't do the stuff around the house or organise things. How does that work at work then?

It's 2025. The "average" husband/father doesn't come into it- in a family, the man should be at least equally competent as the woman.

Doing 50% of the childcare AND not verbally abusing them is a very low bar to set.

Actually OP it's not your ADHD that is the issue- it's your husband.

You've allowed him to bully you and 'blame' your ADHD.

Not sure if you have done this already but you can get support with ADHD from therapists and even online sites.

You need coping and organising strategies and you need to start believing in yourself, instead of saying you 'can't do stuff'.

That’s not true.

They can do a declaration of trust to define ownership percentages.

Yes but they don't have one! And it would be a very bad lawyer who would advise OP to go down that route.

The Declaration of Trust would apply with any NEW house they bought. That's what he's asking her to do.

Your husband is unpleasant and you're extremely unlikely to change his character.

so you've two choices really :

1. leave. and get yourself up on your own two feet calling the shots in your own life

or

2. stay. And accept that this is your life and your husband.

You can't make someone change, especially if they don't want to.

Aside from the fact that your relationship sounds unhappy and your DH sounds awful, I am pretty sure that the starting point in the event of most divorces is 50/50.

Not a lawyer but I think percentage agreements in terms of capital put in is a lot more common when both parties aren’t married. So even if you agreed to this - which you shouldn’t - it’s likely it wouldn’t carry much sway legally if you get divorced later. I know this because while I bought our house many years ago with money I inherited and it is just my name on the deeds, I have been told that if me and DH were to eventually divorce all these years later, it would be counted as a joint asset. While the fact I bought it would probably mean that I would stand to get more from a sale, it wouldn’t all just automatically come to me. Divorces and division of assets don’t work like that!

Get this checked properly because I am not 100 percent. Good luck.

You don't need abusive man. Why ? But also as I'm aware it doesn't work that way in England. You get 50 % ?

I don't agree you are in it for the money, but do you stay in it for the money ....that's the question.

Definitely don't sign this. I could see an agreement where the proportion paid for by inheritance was protected, but this feels like a manipulation to further trap you in an abusive marriage. And he's committing tax fraud .

You need to divorce and seek legal advice asap.

In that case the bare minimum amount you should agree to is that he protects his deposit from mom and the rest is split 50:50. This will protect your asset for the future.

It's fine for him to ring fence his inheritance, but that amount, not a percentage of the house, so that if it goes up in value, you get 50% of any increase on divorce. It does appear he is very materialistic and not really understanding that marriage is a partnership. You sound unhappy, so I hope you make the right choices for you.

My husband and I both sold our houses to live together, he put a lot more equity into the joint house than me but we both pay for the upkeep and we both own the house equally. I work full time and pay towards bills and mortgage, and last but not least I am his WIFE if he even dare suggest our house is not 50/50 we would be done. Your situation sounds quite complex though, I get the feeling there is more going on here than just the house. I would speak to a lawyer just to get some advice, and maybe seek counselling together

That is very bad advice @Bigcat25

Once he has the £400K it's joint assets.

There is no way OP should say he can keep it.

Legally, I am pretty sure he can't ringfence and inheritance.
I looked this up for a friend some time ago.

Inheritances are part of the joint pot.

The only way he could do this as a Declaration of Trust so the house was more in his name (his assets) which is what he's asking OP to do!

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

Well… he doesn’t pay for everything either. He writes whatever he can off through his business. That’s not him paying. He also gets 40% of your salary. You also buy things for the children from your salary.

In terms of contribution to the marriage, how many times did his body grow and birth your joint children? You have contributed to the marriage in a way that he could never contribute. The problem is that he doesn’t see you and your children as part of his success. Just how much money he’s worth. Without recognising there’s a motherhood penalty (even without undiagnosed ADHD) and he’ll have been seen as more trustworthy in his business because he’s married with kids. I wonder if that’s the reason he won’t actually divorce you. That, and his net worth would go down post divorce.

I’m another one saying to LTB. If you do stay, properly protect yourself. Speak with a solicitor to make sure you put yourself into the best position possible if you later decide to divorce. I would stop sending him your salary and transfer to a joint account. All children activities and household things not written off by him go out of the joint account. You won’t be able to contribute 50/50 but he can’t say you don’t contribute.

He doesn’t like your friends because they show you that you don’t need a man in your life. He doesn’t want you to think there’s any possibility of a life without him. He’s not scared of losing you and the children though, he’s just scared of losing control over you.

Why be in a relationship that isn’t great?
why spend your life being unhappy

He’s horrible. And he’s not likely to change

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