To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

[peevedpartner]

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

I don't think that's accurate. If he's kept the money separate from the family finances, then it wouldn't likely be considered a marital asset.

Given that it’s an unhappy marriage with a lot of resentment if I were the husbands mother I would want my son to protect the money I was giving him to awards the house. I think it’s fair enough that the husband ring fences this 25%. However the rest of the house should be 50/50. That would end up with the OP having 37.5 percent and the DH having 62.5%

It seems crazy to carry on with the marriage though. It’s such a sad way to live and a terrible example for the kids. Once the kids grow up and leave home then imagine what day to day life is going to look like and what happens if one of you has to care for the other one. Rather than doubling the size of the house you should double the number of houses and life separately

It absolutely would. Having just helped a friend though a divorce you are obligated to reveal every penny you have.

there is an exception for inheritance I believe if it is kept separate from all family money but as soon as it goes into something family related such as house it is joint money.

And it currently hasn't been spent on a house, has it?

Strikes me that divorcing could only be a good thing really.

Don't waste another 20 years.

TLDR but my view is joint ownership 50/50 and joint account or divorce, if you have been so good as to have and raise his children.

OP you need to take a moment here. I understand that YOU don't want a divorce because you can cope with the abuse for the sake of an easier life when it comes to life admin. But he's preventing your children accessing medical care! They are going to struggle the rest of their lives, just like you did, unless you let them get the help they need, it is much easier to seek a diagnosis as a child than an adult.

Fuck the inheritence you need to make a stand for your children. Stop giving him 40% of your salary for a start (since he doesn't credit it to you anyway) and start using that for some legal advice.

As for the rest, fuck the 25/75 split. He can ring fence the 400k but not the percentage if you insist on staying with him. But you need to seriously consider leaving this abusive relationship for your childrens sake. Xx

Haven’t read it all, but on the surface it is perfectly normal for couples to ring fence any inheritance money that goes towards a house purchase.

He has got the maths and method wrong. Instead of 25/75 tenants in common, it should be he has a solicitor ring fence off the £400k and with 50/50 share for the rest of the house. You should still be joint tenants so if he dies first, you inherit his share of the house including the £400k. The £400k is just set aside in case of divorce and the house being sold, it means he gets the first £400k of equity and the rest is split between the two of you per the financial agreement with a starting point of 50/50.

God almighty what have I read
Divorce that nasty man is all I have to say

As a married person, everything should be shared 50% equally

You are NOT a lesser person

You ARE his wife

DO NOT settle for anything less than 50% of everything

Why did he get married if he did not want to share ?

DO NOT SIGN any paperwork for less than 50%

I've not had a chance to read all of the replies yet. I've spiralled down into quiet. A depressive and anxious state today and haven't been able to concentrate much.

But to clarify the comments about prenuptial assets and agreements, we don't have anything like that. The document he wants me to sign is a Joint Ownership document, that would stipulate the split of ownership between us for the new house which would then change the ownership from Joint Ownership (50/50) to Tenants in Common detailing the split of the property.

We have always had separate bank accounts with me just transferring a portion of my monthly wage to him to put towards the mortgage, bills etc. There's never been any specific breakdown of what my money would be used for because it's not enough to cover the mortgage alone, or the rest of the bills.

I used to think I was just dumb and couldn't remember anything, but it was my undiagnosed ADHD that made (makes) it really hard to retain information, remember details, figures, amounts, etc.

I can never remember how much our bills are no matter how many times he tells me. I've never had sight of any of his accounts. I know he's invested quite a lot in crypto (probably £40k+), along with small amounts of stocks he owns and other bank accounts. But I've never had any access to them. Our finances have always remained separate, so when I say I've got £1000 in savings, that's literally all I have access to. I had another savings account he helped set up for me that's probably got £15k in it now. But that's it.

I could not afford a mortgage or home (or even a flat) of my own where we live which is important for the children.

I have just replied but @MNHQ has hid it?

So aside the fact that in UK law if you divorce then 50:50…I think he is trying to coercively control you. A 25% contribution from his mother doesn’t deserve him 75%, more effectively it is that the remaining 75% equity and mortgageable proportion should be 50:50 so at worse 62.5% him to 37.5% you…but you are married so 50:50 is what you deserve. It sounds like he is readying for divorce!

you really really must also protect yourself. Make sure your pension and investments are set up for your own future. Look after no.1

I spent my whole life making the wrong decisions for me , getting used,being bullied
No help at school ,under achieving
Age 50 I was diagnosed with autism and being assessed for ADHD soon
The difference it would of made to my life if I had known I was autistic,I would of stopped pushing myself in to situations that made me unhappy,I would I of understood myself and been kinder to myself.
Why are you letting your DH have the decision on if your kids are assessed.
They have two parents
What will you tell them ,when they are an adult and ask you ,why you didn't get them aessesd

I completely get where he's coming from with the money from his mother (my ex got half of my inheritance and stayed long enough for it to be invested in a larger house) but usually in a happy marriage you don't need to protect it and wouldn't even consider it.

He sounds like a twat though, fancy not liking someone because their divorced. Maybe you should give him divorce papers, then he'd be just like all those he dislikes.

Perhaps you should actually contribute nothing as that's what he gives you credit for, and save up for a lawyer. He judges your friends for not earning enough but he's pressuring his mom for large sums. He's doing the same thing they are, but worse.

Your children need a dx to ensure they get the help they need to achieve their potential.
Your husband has too much control, he is coercive and controlling.
i stayed with an arsehole like this, thinking it was better for the children. Finally he was arrested.
Once out of his clutches, I had a breakdown and my eldest had to look after me for a while. Worse than that, due to the abuse they had suffered, ds1 had a serious breakdown and had to be sectioned. Dd2 also went to pieces; I’m lucky to have her, she doesn’t do overdoses by half.
is that what you want for your children? Trust me they have a chance of a decent life if you get rid of this awful man. He’s not good with them consistently; only when he feels like it; everything is about him and what he wants.
please get away from him.

@peevedpartner

When you come to buy your solicitor will need to register the property as "tenants in common" if you want any split otherwise than 50/50. The normal estate for married people is "joint tenancy" which in essence is that you each own the whole property. It has the great advantage in that in the case of death of one the property doesn't form part of the probate but passes outside to the other person.

You desperately need independent advice from a financial advisor who really understands the problem. Without DH present!

Your H is being ridiculous.

He wants this 75-25 spilt so he can perhaps divorce you and say you agreed to take less.

At the moment the default is 50-50. YOU ARE MARRIED.

He seems to be assuming you are stupid and have no idea of the consequences of accepting 25% ownership.

The couples I know who have a tenancy in common are unmarried. In some cases they have done this (TC) so there is a fair split where one of them has had an inheritance towards a house. Their equity is ringfenced as a percentage.

He 'gave that up' when you married.

Please don't say you couldn't afford to live on your own without him.
He'd have to pay CM and you would possibly get 60% or more of your assets. And a court may judge in favour of you retaining the family home till your kids are 18.

Yes, you may have to make changes to your lifestyle, but that's a small price to pay for getting away from this obnoxious man.

Kindly- woman-up! Get to grips with the bills, your accounts etc. Stop being downtrodden by this bully.

Talk to a solicitor about what you'd be entitled to if you split. If you jointly own a flat then presumably there is an option to move into that? Ultimately YANBU to not want to sign this. He sounds horrible to live with. If he maintains you contribute nothing stop giving him 40% of your salary and save it for leaving. And look into making your savings more accessible

I used to think I was just dumb and couldn't remember anything, but it was my undiagnosed ADHD that made (makes) it really hard to retain information, remember details, figures, amounts, etc.

You need strategies. That's how people with ADHD cope.
Get this info recorded on a spreadsheet and have your own access to it.

He is preparing to divorce you and take as much as he can.

At the minimum, seek legal advice (most solicitors will offer a 30 minute free session).

What you should do is get a divorce and take the 50% you are entitled to.

If he is so rich and their children are under 18 she is likely to get more than 50%.
It's a long marriage, she's not earned so much as he does, the children have school fees etc.

I don't think an inheritance is outside of joint assets.

This is why some cynical people divorce before they inherit because once it's in your name, it's a joint asset.