To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

[peevedpartner]

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

Considering the 25% input from his mother it would be acceptable to do a 45/55 split to account for that but not 75/25. That would mean his 25% inheritance is doubled.

he may earn more but then could he work as much if you didn’t do what you did for the house and family. It’s a partnership.

id tell him it’s 45/55 split or we can split right now. It sounds like your friends are only a bad influence because they’re telling you home truths and he doesn’t like that.

I’d take the route of “if you’re uncomfortable with 50/50 ownership in the new house, then I think that we should cancel the purchase and just stay here”.

Your emotional state and peace of mind is worth way more than his ridiculous nasty attitude towards his precious £400k. I’d tell him to keep fucking inheritance and divorce him anyway.

Agree. And honestly, he sounds pretty awful, despite OPs attempts to minimise his behaviour.

I own more of our house than my husband, my mum gifted me £35,000 deposit so I own 60 something % and he owns 30 something %....can't remember exact amount, we are "tenants in common" not "joint tenants"....my husband never questioned it as he knows it's money my mum gave me as early inheritance

You’re not a wife or even an equal in this marriage. In his eyes you are less than.

You have a shiny successful outward appearance but it is a very sad existence you lead.

The split of the house to ring fence the 400k early inheritance is not the main issue. This I would not be bothered about so long as it was fairly split after seeking professional advice. It’s how he sees you as a person.

You say you’re staying for the kids yet go on to name all the way it would effect you if you split.

Him calling you bad names.

Him being able to buy the kids stuff you can’t.

as some others have said, it would be fair to ring fence the 400k from his mother and then split ownership of the house 50/50.

he doesn’t sound like he respects you and it sounds like he’s resentful of the situation he is in - you noted that he is the high earner, he does the homework, a lot of the school runs and a lot of the house admin - he may be feeling tired and resentful at that and taking it out on you in this way. Not saying that is ok, but perhaps if his life vision is a certain way and yours isn’t/ you aren’t helping that become a reality that’s where his approach is coming from. If you want to stay together you should say that you understand that the inheritance be protected but you pay a lot every month from your pay and always have done and have equity in your current properties that needs to be reflected in the go forward arrangement. And you should go to couples counselling to try and resolve what is driving his behaviour.

It sounds like you are attributing your life choices and troubles to having adhd, it sounds to me that he is the cause of your troubles and as he sounds so controlling I would imagine he’s impacted a lot on your life choices. Without him, who knows where your career would have gone.

Don’t let him use adhd as a stick to beat you with.

it sounds like he is loaded and you are comparatively not. For a long relationship that’s just weird.

why does he bully you over your income when he makes plenty of money?

I understand why you are worried about him manipulating your children if you split but most children would prefer the happy less luxurious house with mum than the gilded cage with dad. How do they feel about his behaviour? Do they appreciate this is abnormal? Does it affect the way they treat others?

With my husband, when we bought our house I contributed £100k deposit and he £15k. I’ve always earned about twice his salary. We are not wealthy and have plenty of debt, generally in my name as I organise everything. Everything we own and spend is entirely joint - house owned in common and all money put into one pot. That’s because we are a partnership and trust each other.

She's scared of him using parental alienation to punish her for leaving him which sounds pretty likely considering his behaviour.

He would use the tactics of calling OP bad names to their children and him buying stuff that she can't afford to turn the children against her so that they won't want to live with her or even see her. He is obviously a scarily manipulative man who holds all the cards.

Totally this. My kids got all the money stuff from their dad and the normal day to day life stuff from me. They are adult now and I am the parent they love and feel like ‘home’ to, not their dad. They have always chosen the financially poor parent over the affluent one and have said how much they would have hated to have had him live with us (we split when they were young). They don’t mind seeing him for a couple of days but they’ve had enough of him by then. His money hasn’t bought their love, they would choose their minimum wage mother (me) every time. They were never ever swayed by the presents and luxuries their dad bought them.

This part about ADHD... when I was in an abusive relationship my then undiagnosed ADHD really seemed to ramp up. From small slights to his full abuse- he blamed me for it all, and because of that Rejection Sensitivity Disorder that the majority of ADHD people suffer from I took it all on and blamed myself.

Since leaving the relationship I have realised it wasn't my ADHD that was the cause of it all, it was the abuse I was dealing with every day. So please don't blame yourself. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, but again, sooooooo much better since removing myself. And my children are doing so much better also, with all also having adhd. He's more confident and everyone has noticed it.

Your husband is abusive. You can't change him. But he sure as hell has changed you by taking away your confidence, making you doubt yourself and your opinions, and a whole host of other things. Be strong for you and your kids, don't put money above happiness.

I'm another of those, that earn less than our partners. I earn a third of what he earns but, if it weren't for that third our way of life would be different. In fact my husband asks my opinion if he wants to make any big transactions. To someone like your husband that would be a man without a spine 🤣🤣🤣🤣 And my husband champions me all day. I used to be married to someone like your husband. It must be so hard and soul destroying to be made to feel how you're being made to feel. ( I used to be married to someone like that he was also a great dad but a $hit partner emotionally immature and insecure. Your husband sound pathetic if he's not your greatest fan. He yells at you and gets nasty- that's abuse. If anyone else belittled you like that it wouldn't be ok. If anyone did that to your kids it wouldn't be ok, so why can he? He's insecure about your single friends (as mine was hated divorcees or my sister being around me) because they are better off and that might give you ideas. Coz he knows what he's doing to you is wrong. I was in denial that my ex wasn't THAT bad even after I divorced him. Now that I'm with a REAL man, a secure man, a happy man I realise what I went through was unnatural. I too have ADHD and anxiety and would blame it all on myself. I don't have anything anymore, also had severe immune system issues .... ALL GONE! Don't cover up his actions and rosetint it .

He’s able to buy the kids expensive presents etc and you can’t because he is taking so much of your money. He isn’t being financially supportive he is being financially abusive. You have many years ahead of you and your marriage is unlikely to get happier. I know it’s really hard but please leave him. Get advice from your divorced friends. You deserve happiness.

Well done for standing your ground OP. And don't sign shit after the fact and quite frankly if the house goes through you have a few more cards in your deck. Once you're in and he starts being a nasty cunt again tell him if he doesn't fucking buck his ideas up and start treating you with respect you may very well divorce him and take half the fucking house. (And the rest)

Btw I would divorce him at some point in the near future but get your ducks well and truly in a row first, its okay to play the long game, after all he is (seriously talking to lawyers and pressuring you on house ownership percentages you'd think he was getting a divorce!!). Honestly if you think he's going to write you out of his will then absolutley get him divorced when it is convenient to you. You have more power than you think and he can't poison your kids against you, he can say what he likes but your kids deep down know he's a nasty bastard. I thrived when my Mum left my Dad and we literally left with nothing, it was better than living with the stress of a nasty bully.

Why on earth are you still in this abusive relationship? It’s doing untold harm to your children. Do not sign anything and speak to a solicitor specialising in family law. This vile individual is nothing less than a bully and you and your children deserve better!

So- what you are saying is that the material things he buys for your children are MORE important than his behaviour as a controlling bully.

Do you really think your children are not aware of how he behaves?
You are living in a fantasy world if you think they don't understand.

They will see the impact on you.
They are being brought up to 'believe' that money counts for more than love.

Your children will NOT thank you when they are adults for bringing them up in a abusive marriage.

If you have daughters, what message are you sending her?

Seriously, you need to consider your values. Your kids would rather live a very simple life but away from this ogre.

Maybe go back to the counselling you had because his behaviour has destroyed your confidence and values. You have been dominated and bullied and it looks as if you can't see it.

I thinknyou need to seriously review your stance on not leaving him.

He's a bully, plain and simple. Sounds like he's going to divorce you anyway and he's already planning to see how little he can get away with giving you.

You say you only have 1000 in savings, you need to see if you can het a loan or something and see a lawyer ASAP.

Thank you again for all your replies. It's given me a lot to think about.

Last night he brought me a bunch of papers to sign. All loose with the signature pages on the top. I had to ask him where the rest of the paperwork was and made sure to match up each signature page to the correct accompanying document pages. He'd not signed anything yet, but I made sure to read everything throughly. The Joint Ownership form was the last one.

I made sure to tick the 'Joint Tenants' box which laid out in the document that would mean each party is entitled to an equal share of the property. I signed it and took a photo.

When I went to give him the stack of papers he said he'd sign them later which was a bit strange because he's always going on at me about doing things now not later. After a few minutes he said he was coming up to bed and I said I was going up too. I went up and could hear something downstairs so thinking he might have been on the phone with his mum I went back down to check.

Turns out he was watching a show called Finding Alice on Netflix. I'd not heard of it but I googled it and the show is about a woman who lived with her partner in their dream home. They weren't married. He died and she discovers all these shady things in his past. From what I've read online she struggles to pay the mortgage and maintain the house and she goes a bit crazy.

It could just be a coincidence with timings that he's watching this, but it's made me even more suspicious that he's been watching it trying to understand UK housing and marriage laws.

I never saw the copies with his signature before he sent them off today. But I will be emailing the solicitor to ask for copies just to make sure he didn't mess about with the Joint Tenancy form after I went to bed.

Make sure you set up a private email account and email the photos to yourself (and ideally a friend) so he cannot delete photos from your phone. Please also see a lawyer!

Also call the conveyancing lawyer tomorrow to make sure they are aware of the issues and that you only agree to the properties as joint tenants. They have a duty of care to you and well as your husband. Your husband can also be trying to forge your signature.

Think about declaring your power of attorney(s)

Appoint someone or several people you trust as power of attorney. You can have multiple attorneys, for example, one for financial matters and another for health and welfare. You can also set up checks and balances where certain decisions require the agreement of more than one attorney, ensuring that your spouse can't act alone.

Also you may wish to have a will so that your assets are passed on directly to your dc, not your h.

Do this, but also email them what you said, your instructions etc., so you have a record of your conversation, and your anything they agree to do.
Phone calls can be denied.

I think this level of suspicion - and I’m not saying it’s unjustified - should tell you all you need to know about your marriage.

Is Joint Tenants applicable to a mortgage?
Do you not mean Tenants in Common?
There is a difference.

You should not sign ANYTHING without showing a solicitor who can guide you.

Honestly, you have no idea what you are signing.
Take legal advice FIRST.