To refuse 25% vs 75% split ownership of house?

[peevedpartner]

In short: we have sold our house and are hoping to exchange on a new home soon. Husband wants to have the house 25% in my name while the other 75% is in his name.

I don’t know how much info or back story is.l needed to provide additional context, but I will try and summarise below:

DH and I have jointly owned our current home for 15years. We also jointly own a flat that we'd like to sell in the next couple of years. We are upsizing soon to a larger home to accommodate our family.

The new home is roughly double the size and value of our current home. We were only able to purchase the new house due to a substantial amount of money that was given to us from his mother (essentially an early inheritance). The money from his mum is roughly 25% of the total value of the new house.

I work full time while DH runs his own business. He makes approx 3-4 times as much as I do, and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business. So while he says he pays for everything, that isn't 100% true because some bits such as mobile phones, and other small expenses are written off as business expenses.

We live a good lifestyle. I don't ask for much. I give DH 40% of my paycheque each month. I put 14% into a long term savings account, some goes into short term savings, credit card payment, life insurance, etc. I put 14% into my monthly spending account to cover things for myself such clothing, hair cuts, activities, coffee / meals out with friends, etc.
I don't eat much while at home, so I don't cost a lot to 'keep around'. I also pay for some of the children's clothing, a weekly activity class and other bits when they need them.

DH covers the bulk of the household expenses including school fees, children's activities, the bulk of the mortgage, household bills, etc. A lot of the monthly expenses would be viewed as luxuries, but he refuses to compromise on them for the sake of the children.

DH has several expensive hobbies that require a lot of space which is partly why we have had to move into a much larger home. Without them and the space they require we could make do with a smaller home. He wouldn't like that though, as he likes the 'status' and feeling of achievement that comes with a larger home.

DH has always had big aspirations and has done everything he can to make those happen. I am appreciative of this and have benefitted from them (house, etc). I have had a rough time career wise not living up to my (and his!) full aspirations and potential due to undiagnosed ADHD for 40years.

DH has always said I need to contribute more, and doesn’t think it’s right that he pays for everything. He says I don’t contribute anything and basically thinks I sponge off of him.

He doesn’t like my very small group of friends because the majority of them are divorced and / or aren’t high earners and are sponging off their wealthier husbands.

DH and I haven’t got the greatest relationship, but I would never leave him. He claims the same about me, but is verbally and emotionally abusive a lot of the time and has threatened me with divorce quite a few times over the years, but then says he’d never actually do it.

We are now at a cross roads where he is essentially making me agree to and sign the papers that say I’m only entitled to 25% of the house in the event of divorce. He claims he’s STILL giving me 25% and believes he’s being generous because I ‘don’t contribute anything’ and haven’t put any money towards the down payment.

I pointed out that I give him 40% of my paycheque (with plans to contribute almost 50% in a couple months), but he said he has nothing to do with that because it’s the vale of the house and the money that his mum has given to us. So he’s trying to protect that because she wanted to give it as a gift so she could see our children have a nice house.

I do understand his point of view on that and the fact that £400k is essentially his inheritance. But for years and years he’s made me feel worthless because he’s always said he wished I earned more and I don’t contribute anything. But I work my ass off and have had my own struggles with ADHD that have held me back in so many areas of life and my career. As much as I’d love to I can’t go back in time and change that.

Now he’s being nasty and saying I’m showing my true colours and being greedy by wanting more than 25% of the house in my name. He keeps reassuring me that if something else happens like death it’d would all still go to me. But that it’s only if I divorced him that the 25% would come into play. He keeps saying if I divorced him, because he'd never divorce me. But it would be divorce in general.

I realise this has been long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.

I’m so hurt and upset right now I don’t know what to do. He’s throwing insults at me now insisting I’m only in it for the money and I’m showing my true colours, and just trying to make me look like a selfish evil person. I don't know what to do. I don't like fighting or arguing and I don't like being difficult. He's pressuring me to do this and I don't feel comfortable with all of this.

Divorce him, take your fair share of marital assets and live a peaceful life without this guy who openly thinks you are a sponger.

Everything we own as a couple is 50/50. Every penny we bring in is is ours not mine and theirs. It has never mattered who made more. That has always fluctuated. We decided jointly what to do with my husband's inheritance and will do the same if I receive one.

House should be owned 50/50 in my book. End of. No one should be ring fencing money in a marriage from the other partner.

Except I think at this point you ( or someone with a partner in recovery from addiction.) I'd work on amassing a leave fund. I couldn't live like this. I'm so sorry.

In the event of divorce at least half the house is yours, no matter how it’s put down. With him being a higher earner & with kids you’ll probably get more than half (happened to my sil when she divorced 1st husband - she got 75% of the house).

id be tempted to divorce anyway from what you’ve said about him ☹️

Denying his children medical care is abuse.

When you are married or in a relationship and have children together then assets should be jointly owned no matter how much you contribute individually. Your contribution to the marriage is not just your salary. What happens if you inherit any money? Whilst you are both counting your individual financial contribution then your relationship will continue to be problematic and you will feel resentful if he forces you into a disproportionate ownership of the house.

Tell him that if anything you sign is going to be legally binding, you need independent legal advice given to you, personally, before signing. (This is in fact the case.)

This will mean you see a solicitor. Don’t sign anything otherwise.

Personally I think it’s fair to want to protect his £400k by ring fencing it as pp have suggested. (I probably would not give money to my children unless it was ring fenced in this way.)

But otherwise! Honestly the man is appalling. He clearly neither likes nor respects you & is an atrocious bully! You’ve actually reached the stage where you’re justifying how much you eat!

Staying married to him sounds like a big mistake- when you see a solicitor for advice on the house set up, I would also ask if someone in the firm (which will need to not be one that represents your husband for it to be independent legal advice) can advise you on DIVORCE.

You will end up financially secure, given his income (just as long as you don’t allow yourself to be bullied). Life will be better without him.

Go speak up a divorce lawyer in your area and get advice. You could really be screwing yourself.

Run for the hills, the relationship will never last.

Unless you’re planning on splitting up everything in a marriage should either be 50/50 or you don’t count the cost.

DH earns far more than me and pays all
the bills but I contribute in other ways and he sends me money when I need it and I organise most of the childcare and home
stuff as well as working shorter hours than him and closer to home.

It’s meant to be teamwork and not counting costs like that if you still love each other.

It honestly sounds OP that you be considering divorcing your husband. As you have a long relationship and have dependant children any solicitor will tell you that you have a 50% claim on all assets, whether in your name or his.
Xx

You seriously need to leave this man.
He has clearly done a number on your self esteem over the last 20yrs, for you not to realise you deserve better!
And to stop your kids getting a diagnosis that would help them get the support they need in school is despicable! My son and I have ADHD and that part alone would be enough to leave!

He is horrible and I think you need to leave him but don’t give up on yourself and what you are capable of - I have a brain like a sieve too (I’ve been told I have ADHD too and it seems about right!) but I write everything down in my phone diary and phone notes pages, and I have a paper diary too. That way I can remember everything! He doesn’t seem to value you at all, but importantly, you don’t seem to value yourself and your contribution to the relationship either. Read lots of self help books (the cheap version of therapy) and distance yourself from him. He sounds like he is very bad for you and very much not a team player at all.

Thank you for all of the replies. Knowing I'm not going crazy or being selfish by not signing has given me a bit of confidence with this.

I refused to speak to him any further about it yesterday. I just felt anxious and sick to my stomach the whole day.

I know many of you have asked why I'm still with him and while I do ask myself this quite often, I stay for the children. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people. But I can guarantee you that if we did divorce he would brainwash my children against me so quickly. I could also not afford to compete with the monetary things he does for the children. Private schools, holidays, expensive gifts, classes, nice house, car, phone etc. He shows his love through money. He holds the money so he holds the power. He would rather lose a leg than not be able to provide those things for our children. He would make sure the children knew I was the reason for the split and constantly bad mouth me to them. I guess I feel that if I'm with him at least I can monitor and have a bit of control over what he says about me. He already makes subtle digs and negative remarks about me under his breath in front of the children when I'm there.

When I refused to sign up to his 25% deal yesterday he got angry and verbally tried to bully me by making me the bad person because I would be the one causing delays with the exchange and holding up the move. I know he absolutely does not want to loose this house, so my plan was to stand my ground and refuse to sign his deal until he accepted the standard 50/50.

I tried to reassure him this morning that I've got no interest in his mums money and I'd be happy to sign a legal document specifying that she get that amount back in the event of divorce. But he got angry and said it's not about the amount his mum has given it's in the house and it's about the house.

He'll twist and turn and chop and change his argument to whatever suits him best.

Today I heard him on the phone speaking with a new lawyer. He asked them if a legal agreement could be put in place after we moved into the house. It seems that he's planning on giving me 50/50 so the purchase is not delayed. But will then want me to sign a legal agreement saying that is I divorce him I only get 25% of the house, but if he divorces me I would still get 50%.

There's no bloody way I'll be signing that either! He'a basically trapping me into an abusive marriage where I would be the one penalised if I want to leave. So that's a hard no from me.

I need to start monitoring what he's doing more because I'm not sure what other accounts he's got that he's squirrelling away money. I'm also very worried that he's going to have a new will drafted up apart from our joint will we did together when we first married that will leave everything including his half of the house in trust to the children. I worry that if he were to pass before me and he leaves everything including his portion of the house to our children or his mum that I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and provide for our children. It's stressing me out

Borrow money from a friend or family member you trust and make an appointment to see a lawyer so you know where you stand if shit were to hit the fan. You don’t need to leave but you do need to know your rights. Never skimp on legal fees - don’t choose some low rent high street law firm - it will only cost you more in the long run. Borrow whatever you can to get the best lawyer you can afford. Get their advice. Then keep it on ice until the time comes.

Sounds like he's planning his exit to me op.. Probably already having an affair which is why he's banging on about divorce.
Get your ducks in a row.

I honestly don't think he's having an affair. He rarely leaves the house unless it's with the children. He hates socialising. And he's way too cheap to spend money on a nice meal or a hotel to wine and dine someone else

' I could also not afford to compete with the monetary things he does for the children. Private schools, holidays, expensive gifts, classes, nice house, car, phone etc. '

Do not count on it, as seen on many many threads some fathers become extremely mean towards their children upon divorce.
They lie and they hide their money as they do not want their wives to get a single penny of it - whether it is for or towards the children or not.

How old are the children ? as you mention a car so that means one is 17+

Do you know once they reach the age of 18 he can refuse to pay maintenance for them I believe, so you need a good solicitor - one that gets the financial agreement to include maintenance up to and including both higher and further education.

and is able to write a lot of the family expenses off under his business.

No, no he can't do this, or at least not for tax purposes. Expenses cannot be taken for tax purposes unless they are "wholly and exclusively" incurred for the business. Eg it could be ok to allocate a proportion of electricity costs etc because he wfh. But he cannot just bill loads of your family costs to reduce what he has to pay tax on

They're still a few years from 17-18. The car was referencing his.

OP see a decent lawyer as soon as you can, make notes before the first meeting and gather any evidence you can of his finances and his behaviour towards you. At least get a sense of what position you’d be in if you were to divorce and then you can make an informed and rational plan. There’s a previous thread on finding a solicitor here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4893956-finding-a-decent-divorce-lawyer

This is a horrible and abusive man! My gosh, you should get down to a solicitor asap and ensure he does not know. Get some proper financial and legal advice and get ready for a divorce. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Read your post back - if a friend told you this - you would advise her to leave and escape this abuse

This is abuse, you might be prepared to put up with this awful man but you need to stand up for your children. You know what a lack of diagnosis did to your life so why subject your children to the same.

It is illegal to claim expenses as being for business purposes without some method/evidence of showing that the apportionment is reasonable. A family car for example could be used partly for business purposes but only the proportion actually used for business purposes can be offset against the business profits.

I stay for the children. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people.

You are kidding yourself I’m afraid. you should be leaving FOR you children. You said earlier that he is verbally nasty to your kids and you have repeatedly said he is nasty to you in front of the kids. It all sounds like a toxic and unhappy home. You can’t think that it’s in your kids best interests to stay. It’s sad that you think your kids will be swayed by gifts from their Dad if you split up. I don’t think most kids would be that easily bribed by someone who has behaved as badly as your husband has. Also, it sounds like there is enough money about. There is no reason to think you would be living in poverty.

what happens in the future once your kids have left home? Do you think it will be easier to leave then? Or do you think you will stay with him? It sounds so miserable for you.