Finding a decent divorce lawyer

[Stealth80]

I desperately need to leave my marriage, after years of trying and failing to manage my husband's horrendous temper. I have been in denial about the extent that he controls and undermines me and the kids and something inside me has snapped - I have had enough.

I have been looking at advice about next steps but the one thing that baffles me is how to actually find a decent divorce lawyer. I don't want to ask around too much in case word gets to him, and we don't know that many couples around here who have divorced. I also don't feel like google will help much but am I wrong?

I really need decent legal advice. My husband is a high earner, I earn a relatively good salary but cannot afford a mortgage in my area without a decent split of assets. Despite him earning more I have always contributed as much to the household and the mortgage has been mainly covered by him the last three years due a a big promotion (enabled by me doing absolutely everything with the house and kids of course!) but I have made bigger one off contributions due to inheritance and redundancy.

The word narcissist is bandied around a lot these days but I truly do believe my husband is exactly this. He is utterly the most selfish and arrogant person you could meet. Luckily the few friends I have told my plans to have been wholeheartedly supportive (which I feel very lucky about, but also am not naive enough to believe I will be supported by everyone) so I am cheered on by the prospect of this support. HOWEVER, he is So difficult I am terrified of making the next move without being 100% sure of my plans. He is also extremely intelligent and I would expect that he will try to destroy me financially and emotionally out of spite, so I need to be prepared.

I don't want to leave my house as we have nowhere to go (family out of town etc) so I think I would need to stick it out here and I know it will be hell..

Please help! (And please be kind!)

Post in legal in Mumsnet with rough whereabouts

So much is done online now doesn’t have to be so close as it used to be

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

This is from the Law Society's website - it's really good for finding people locally.
Check the profiles on the firms' websites, and begin a shortlist.

Where in the country are you?

I came to the U.K. and googled one... and they were excellent. I put in 'specialist XYZ' as in the complications relating to my situation and just called... Also if it is like the country we were resident in previously- if you've consulted them, even if you don't go with them, your H can't use them so in the country we lived in some people saw the big named lawyers so they were all out of the picture for their H/ W.

My exH is a narcissist. It is a long haul. There's a chat somewhere with wonderful words of advice as to how to survive the ongoing post separation abuse you may encounter. It's from fairly recently- I'll look and link.

How do you stay mentally strong under long-term pressure? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4884775-how-do-you-stay-mentally-strong-under-long-term-pressure

https://vklaw.co.uk/

This might help you with finding a solicitor and what to ask them to make sure they're the right one for you. https://iamlip.com/help-guides/legal-aid-job-descriptions-solicitors-barristers-litigation-loans-and-bullying-by-proxy-in-divorce/
There are also other help guides on the website that take you through the entire process so you can better understand what's going on and what you can do. You can also use it to lower any solicitor costs by doing some of it yourself (e.g. filling out forms) if you find the costs getting too high. Hope this can help!

What area are you in? If you find local FB parenting groups and search divorce lawyers some should come up. Most will ask for a retainer so make sure you have some surplus cash, if there’s lots of assets to sort it’ll be £££££. Do the actual divorce online,much cheaper. Get a solicitor for the financials/kids.

Google Legal 500 and then yiu can search by regional area for family lawyers and they will list them with Band 1 firms being the highly rated firms.

Wishing you luck as you start to undertake this process but a decent lawyer makes all the difference.

Go to link at top of the page to ADVICE NOW
use their guides
read, read and read some more to familiarise yourself with “fair settlement” criteria and how they apply to you and stbex. This is law, and divorce settlements do not start at 50:50- they start with fair settlement . Courts like them to end in 50:50 but not always possible

These guides tell you the process. The forms to use. When to use solicitor, when not to, and when you might.

Do not go straight to solicitor - only go once you know precise tasks you need them to do and be clear with your instructions. Otherwise you’ll be another one posting here heading for solicitors fees of £1000s.

I divorced 2 years ago- or combined costs were £1400. I was divorcing n unreasonable behaviour (as you could then) and that included abusive behaviour. I parked anger, worked hard at being unemotional. Gave him ADVICE NOW guides too so he could see there was a process he couldn’t get out of really.

I would exercise some caution here. Whilst it is done online and you do not need to be as close, one of the values of a good solicitor is that they know the local court and the judges. In an area of law where judges have wide discretion and there is rumoured regional variation (although this is narrowing), this is an area where a local solicitor can add value. For example, they can help their clients avoid wasting time pursuing unrealistic outcomes.

If you want the best you can do this, but unless you are in a contentious divorce with significant assets/pursuing maintenance the fees of a band 1 firm are probably going to be needlessly expensive. When I divorced, I first approached a band 2 firm in my region and they were going to charge £7k just to do a consent order. They also sent out a client care form where all my children's names and ages were wrong but that's another story....

A reputable solicitor (or legal executive) in your own town and ideally listed on Resolution is normally a safe bet. I appreciate the OP's husband may be a difficult character but getting an expensive solicitor could be a tactical mistake in these circumstances, the reason being the OP might exhaust all sources of funds before a final hearing. It might be better to have a local solicitor and to try and get a fair settlement out of court if at all possible but then to retain enough money for a decent barrister at a final hearing if this approach goes wrong.

Band 1 does not necessarily mean they are more expensive just adjudged to be experts in that area. One of the best family lawyers I know is a legal executive in a small high street firm , but who achieve band 1 tier in their location.