How unreasonable is this? Ouchy feet.

[OuchyFeet]

I have a really lovely DH so I know this is unreasonable but I pretty much never feel angry at him so want to know how unreasonable this is...

DH is exceptionally fit. He exercises on average 2 hours a day. I'm active, but not fit.

I just recovered from long covid which left me with breathing issues, fatigue etc and I'm perimenopausal so tire easily and struggle with the hot weather, plus after a 25 year career of working on my feet I've got plantar fasciitis.

So nowadays if I'm on my feet for several hours I'll be in severe pain during and afterwards.

So anyway yesterday I booked a very full day. We live in London so going anywhere (unless we taxi) is usually a lot of walking rather than jumping in the car, and I'd arranged..

12pm lunch across town with DH and family

3.00pm history walking tour of London with DS 22

7.00pm book signing / talk with DS 22 across the other side of London

So anyway, I was quite worried about the sheer length of the day and had booked these things because DS 22 has been depresssed.

So when we finished lunch early, what I wanted to do was just sit, have coffee, then get a taxi across town to start the walking tour as I was already worried about the day being too much.

But after lunch, DH started suggesting we "go for a walk" as it was "such a nice day" and I said I didn't want to get tired and sweaty before my walking tour.

He sort of pushed and suggested we "sit by the river" and I acquised... to cut a long story short this ended up being a 60 minute schlep to the river, via two hot and sweaty tubes with loads of stairs and lots of walking by which time we'd reached nowhere and i was a sweaty mess.

I ended up getting really, really cross and snapping at DH saying I'd told him I didn't want to make myself hot and tired before I started and just jumped in a taxi and left him there.

He apologised, but I ended up dehydrated (to a point I felt dizzy for the rest of the day) my plantar fascitus was agony which is still killing me, my thighs got all chaffed and I've got blisters. I was limping by 6pm.

And I just still feel really annoyed at DH as over exertion in the heat just ruined my day and he didnt listen when i told him i needed to cap my exertion.

To what extent AIBU? My DH has apologised, but he has form for not accommodating the fact that I'm almost 50 and not as fit as he is and so I think it sort of built up over years and I just bubbled over...

You were unreasonable not to put your foot down (sorry...!). Never mind him, you knew it was too much for you.

Sounds like some simple accommodations could have made the day work OK for you, even if it was still tough, rather than be impossible and unpleasant. My DH, while also great in many ways, seems to think I need a pep talk rather than practical help/changes to the plan.

I have found that I need to say, explicitly, in clear words, exactly what I can or cannot do or what changes I need. Be clear, say it out loud, say it again and again and if you need to, refuse to move or do it your way ie I will get a taxi and see you there.

We are so used to making sure everyone else is OK and getting what they need but you must prioritise yourself and advocate for your own needs loudly and unapologetically.

You need to be more firm. I also have a very fit husband who thinks nothing of going off on a run, playing a round of golf and doing the garden all on one day. I, on the other hand have a very sore hip which means i have to plan carefully what i do in a day. I sometimes say no to things DH suggests doing because i know i need to conserve energy for something i am doing later. Thankfully he is very accommodating and never pushes me into doing something i don't want to do.

Why did you go along with it, surely you knew it was an hour to the river? Just say no next time.

You were being unreasonable to not voice your opinion.

You're not a puppy, OP, you don't have to follow him and do what he does. Be clear about your own wants and needs and be firm. You can both do different things. Try it.

YANBU. My daughter is like this. We end up walking miles if we go away. She forgets to make allowances for my age and fitness level. I am fairly fit, but not compared to a 20 year old. You need to be firm but it’s hard. Can I suggest some « chub rub » cooling shorts? They are fantastic for preventing sore thighs and keep you cool too. I wear them whenever I’ll need to walk for more than a mile.

Exactly what every cow and again says.

Don’t feel bad for getting cross with him- sheltering people from your needs is how you end up where you are.

Next time he tries to persuade you to do something go straight in with your firm refusal.

We have been trained to be agreeable. Well time’s up for that!

YANBU but should have insisted on the taxi and been firmer earlier.

He might have been confused that you were up for the walking tour but couldn’t do ‘a walk’.

Sounds like different shoes and some chub rub shorts (which are brilliant for hot days and I wear at size 12 as they keep you so cool under a dress) could have saved the day.

Yabu for referring to your foot pain as ouchy.

It was a similar thing that finally brought it home to DP that I just can't do stuff like that anymore. It was fine, he was fine - it may not be forever, but nothing is going to heal or you regain fitness unless you have time to gradually recover and this may finally have got through to him.

Hi OP. Over the last few years, the impact of prolapses/surgery and being hypermobile has made my ability to do long walks or stand up for a long time, harder.

Agree with PP, you need to be more explicit with him.

And gently, have you looked into physio/osteopath for the plantar? There is a lot that can be done. I have insertional achilles tendinitis and I've achieved massive improvements from calf stretches, ankle and knee mobility. And I also get a bit of plantar as it's attached to the achilles.

If I'm tired on a day out I send my husband off to do what he wants while I have a rest. Take a book, or e-book so you can amuse yourself.

You lost me at almost 50.
Your foot condition is nothing to do with your age and neither is long covid. I'm older than you and could have done that.... but i don't have plantar fasciitis or long covid.
Look after yourself and know your limitations by all means. But it's not your age. You're in your 40s not 70s

Absolutely agree with PP that you are not his puppy who has to follow him. Why are you going along with this madness

oh, and sort out your feet https://www.petrafishermovement.com/free-your-feet/

Definitely treat the plantar fasciitis proactively. You can get it under control.

For me, shock absorbing shoes are essential- crocs around the house make a big difference.

When it’s flaring though, I need a tight shoe that doesn’t allow my feet to spread for the first few steps out of bed. For me that was a court shoe- straight out of bed. After a few minutes, my feet were warmed up and I could swap to something more sensible.

I agree your husband was unreasonable for suggesting the walk given your other commitments and background.

But you are an adult, it’s your feet, your pain. Why didn’t you say no?

That's great for you, but we're all different - I'm in my early 50s and would do like the OP tried to do - pace my day to be OK for the walking tour. I don't have PF or LC but I get aches and pains if I walk too much, that I didn't have 10 years ago. The older I get, the more niggling pains I get

You're definitely not being unreasonable. He should have listened to you. Dh can be a little bit similar. He finds it hard to appreciate that I'm not as physically capable as him, and I sometimes have to put my foot down about similar things.

There's a lot that can be done to help plantar fasciitis. Mine totally disappeared after I started wearing sandals from Strive, and always wearing slippers at home, no bare feet.

You could have just said 'No, I am quite happy here' , that wouldn't have been unreasonable.

Have you looked into the reasons for these aches and pains? You're really not old.

I think I got really annoyed because I did say I didn't want to get tired and sweaty and go for a walk before a walk and he didn't listen.

We live in London which is big and we were out at lunch in an unfamiliar location and "let's go sit by the river" didn't mean anything to me.

It ended up being 15 mins walk to the tube, multiple tubes with walks and stairs (was stifling hot and standing room only) and then we'd been walking aimlessly for a further 20 minutes and we're not at "the river" yet...

This is a man who did a half marathon last year and ran to it. I am saying he ran 5km to the place where the half marathon started. He's just bouncy and enjoys exerting massive physical energy for the sake of it.

I prefer not feeling grubby. I hate the tube. I hate getting sweaty. And he thinks it's all fun and games.

I never get angry at him because he's a really nice person but I think he thought it was funny and I didn't and aside from feeling ill for the rest of the day I also looked a complete mess because when I get very sweaty it makes my hair go frizzy and my mascara was running.

The part that really annoyed me is that a couple of years ago he had an injury and I was really accommodating and I think this isn't accidental, it's quite a controlling way of trying to force me into being fitter than I am.

I told him after that I was sorry for getting angry but if I say no I mean no and that he made me feel ill and in pain for the rest of the day amd he said sorry, so I think he understands I meant it.

I agree I should do something about the plantar. It doesn't aggravate me if I don't stand for longer than two hours, but once it goes off it really bloody hurts.

I have one of those ‘runs to the start line’ people. I understand how annoying it is to have to rein in expectations and not feel like you are being the mood killer. But it’s important to speak up not just for yourself but to save any lasting grudges.

Exactly

"ouchy" is not a word a grown adult should ever utter. It's not even a real word.

Pedantry out of the way, I agree with PP.
You need to be clearer with DH and in these situations , just stand your ground. put your own needs and sore/aching/ painful ( but never "ouchy" ) feet first. Let him hike wherever he wants, but look after yourself.

I would be annoyed if I were you. Yes it’s great to assert your boundaries but annoying to have to fight this battle against a partner.
Not your question but how certain are you/doctors of your diagnosis?

I had numerous feet issues over the years and it turns out I have an abnormal ankle joint (called tarsal coalition) which has caused inflammation.

Similar to you (and similar age), I cannot be on my feet for too long. I get a lot of heel pain, ankle pain and pain down the feet.

it took a long time to be diagnosed and I needed an MRI which also needed a few experts to check.

I just thought I would raise it as the treatment is slightly different, and it isn’t well known. If you don’t find relief after a while with all the suggested plantar fasciitis treatments.