Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

Yes and storming off at the airport without saying goodbye is pathetic. At least be civil.

You shouted at a 1 yr old

You called your mother so upset she worried enough to send your aunt

You panicked at a sick baby (which is fair enough actually)

Your mil felt sidelined I think (meh, who cares. And she should really grow up a bit)

Have you had counselling? This is not a mil issue, not really, it's a have you resolved your mh issue? You can work mil out later.

The OP hasn’t visited MIL either, it works both ways.

I think the whole lot are drama!

I think there are two posters who are way over-invested in a way that doesn't make sense.

It's not based on nothing, it's just a different opinion. The MIL sounds really sulky. Storming off without saying goodbye is pathetic.

What are the other ways to sockpuppet, other than changing your identity to post as different people?

There has been much more vitriol directed at the OP than at her MIL.

Hi op. I hope you are ok.

You’ve had lots of opinions written on here and I think how you handle this visit from mil should depend on how you want to proceed going forward, not how everyone else wants you to proceed.

I believe you wanted to please everyone by going on holiday in the first place against your better judgement and you need to learn to tolerate making a decision that will be unpopular with others. Your dh could have taken your dc alone and had a good time and given you a break for example. Although maybe your child is a bit young for that yet!

First, do you really want your mil to come and how much say do you have in this? Usually people wait to be invited! She is obviously calling the shots having decided that six months was long enough to “punish” you. If you don’t want her to come then say so! Better that than having another bunfight.

Can you discuss this properly with your dh after his betrayal? Can you trust him to keep your private conversations about your mil private because I doubt he will! Be very careful here op,

I’m firmly in the “you have a dh problem” camp. He should have stood up for you and said you were not ready to go on holiday yet. He should have helped on the aeroplane instead of criticising you. He should not have spoken to his mother about you behind your back, And he should have stood up for you when she criticised you. His first priority should be you and the dc.

Having said all of that, none of you covered yourself in glory on holiday op and you need to own your part in it. You must have sounded the alarm quite hard for your aunt to turn up. It’s unreasonable of you to blame everyone else for her turning up, even your mother, when they were obviously concerned about you and trying to help!

And you didn’t make a stand about not going in the first place.

I don’t think that your mil dealt with this well at all either. I have been in the situation of being young and having young dc and being “obliged” to go on holiday with a very domineering mil and you do feel very judged and exposed. It’s really unpleasant. That is enough by itself to set you on edge tbh without an additional mh problem.

As for your mil she curated the holiday and expected everyone to fall in to line with her wishes and she didn’t behave well when it went belly up. She should have tried to be more understanding. She sounds rather controlling to me.

My advice to you would be to stand up for yourself a bit op. Don’t be a passive participant. Ring your mil up and say you would like to meet in a mutually neutral place before she visits your home to sort out your differences.

Take control and cut your dh out of the equation as he did to you!

Apologise sincerely to her for your part in the holiday going wrong. If she paid for it then thank her and say that you appreciated the gesture but you were at fault for accepting the invitation when you were not in a good head space and own that.

Tell her openly that once it went wrong, you did not appreciate the way that she handled it by going silent and ignoring you and your dh.

Be strong op! In a way you are in the position of advantage here because your mil only shoots herself in the foot by remaining distant! And make sure your dh understands in no uncertain terms where his loyalties should lie.

And yes, go and get some help with your anxiety for yourself and your dc and not anyone else! 💐💐💐

Why would OP want to have more than one meal with her MIL, she had her aunt (who we have no idea where she travelled from, but you’ve chosen a narrative that suits you), could OP have not gone to the other hotel or arranged a meal….. ? MIL has to do every bit of areanging? OP is an adult!

I speak as l find. Obviously there are two sides and we only ever get one on MN.

MiL made a conscious decision to stay away for six months. If what OP says is true hell would freeze over before l’d make the first move. OP’s actions weren’t the best, but she tried to get out of actually going on the holiday - l suspect a large part of that was because she knew her MH wasn’t good and she wasn’t coping, but she allowed her DH to talk her into it against her better judgement. That she was overwhelmed and not coping on the holiday was met with a freeze out from MiL and appallingly childish behaviour from her on the journey home. And now OP is expected to graciously host MiL when she decides to honour them with her presence again. Nope.

Where did OP complain behind MiL’s back ? Here ? Surely that’s just posting on MN for support - because clearly there is zero at home. MiL sent a text to her son criticising her, which he kept to himself until it suited his purpose to show it to OP. The whole lot of them, and in particular her DH, sound toxic and aloof. Not hard to see where OP’s difficulties stem from.

To those who replied to my last comment, I don’t think I read about the shouting in the original post initially - I’ve seen it now.

I do think that OP was clearly feeling mentally vulnerable at the time and sincerely hope she has some more help now. I am not saying it was okay for that to result in the shouting, but perhaps there is clearly more at play is my point.

Even with that, I still wouldn’t appreciate my MIL saying what she did. If there was a problem with anything I did towards my children and the MIL felt the need to step in to prevent danger or harm, I’d at least expect her to communicate that better than sending that kind of text and only to the DH

Thank you for demonstrating your bias so clearly.

Haven’t ‘chosen’ anything. Aunty living locally seemed a more reasonable answer than actually getting on a plane - if a plane journey was necessary why didn’t OP’s mum go herself ? And why is arranging a meal with MiL down to OP - why couldn’t useless husband do it ? It’s his mother after all, and he was the one who actually wanted to be on the holiday.

You’re welcome.

We don't know how long the flight was.

The screaming child, unhelpful husband, the early flight, the holiday she didn't want to go on, the poor mental health, the crowds of people. You don't think that sounds stressful?

I have found flying with small children hard even without all the added pressures OP had going on.

Where did your aunt come from? Is there some huge background info that your mum was so worried that your aunt turned up on your holiday abroad? UNINVITED!! Id be pissed off if I was you mil too, no apology or anything. I think your husband needs to clear the air with her and so do you

I just wanted to add, and this is the way it works in my family anyway, is that even if my dh and I are paying for a family holiday, then the most consideration and help goes to the parents with young dc. Because they need it! So arrangements are made around them! You have to learn as a grandparent that you are no longer the main player but a general support and facilitator for others.

We have been there and done it! We all remember how stressful travel
was with young babies and toddlers when they are away from their familiar cot and feeding arrangements, as well as all of the sleep deprivation, we have been through that before and if a member of our family or extended family was struggling, we would try and help them, not ostracise them!

I'm defending the OP because I'm sickened by the people sticking the boot in to someone who is clearly very vulnerable. I hope the OP is not reading it all because if her mental health was fragile when she posted it certainly won't be improved by reading the comments on this thread.

It's hard to arrange a meal with someone who wont pick up the phone.

Who won't pick up the phone? Are you making stuff up?

It's right there in the OP:

DH called many times but she didn't pick up

On one occasion. Not for the entire holiday and six months afterwards.

An overwhelmed new mother with an unsupportive partner?

Another you have a DH problem.

You were pushed into a holiday you didn’t want to go on in the first place that you didn’t organise and had to get passports for.

Your DH sat and watched you struggle on a plane with toddler instead of taking over.

He then chooses to bring it up this whole fiasco later out of spite.

MIL isn’t without fault. It is rude to change seating arrangements without telling people as is walking off without a word nor asks about why her son and DIL were calling her repeatedly during the holiday when they are staying in different hotels.

OP didn’t react the best under stress and sleep deprivation and her DH definitely didn’t help matters.

OP didn’t ask for her aunt to come but in hindsight it is a good thing she did because it seems the aunt is the only one who was supporting OP at the time.

If I heard my DIL was struggling, I would check in with her, and like others have said would have been on my son if I saw he was just sitting there. Saying that, I would have not organised a trip without asking and would be pretty angry with my son if he okayed it without his wife’s knowledge.

OP, it is entirely up to you how you want this to go.

If she had otherwise been all right before this , keep things calm and polite, see what happens and decide from there but if this is one of many, can you find yourself awfully busy and go out when she’s around, use it as a way of getting some time for yourself.

Still think you have a DH problem though and should be looking more at your relationship with him than MIL.

FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking.

What did you say and do here?

You need to develop resilience. You are not helpless and you did not need to raise your voice at your DD on the plane. You seem very highly strung and getting hysterical over situations that could be avoided or managed if you stay calm and remember that you are an adult