Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

No they just never happened, my DH did message her to see if there plans were still on but he either got no reply or told she was doing something else instead and have to cancel the plans already made. Just seemed like a pointless holiday and I do agree with others comments that my aunt probably did us a favour as we did have an okay time in the end with my aunt. I do have known mental health issues with my family so probably why she was sent out in the first place

Agree. I'm starting to think this post has been flooded by OP's in-laws, trying to convince her that she and her mental health are the issue.

Agree. She sounds young and overwhelmed - and it’s exacerbated existing mental health problems. But this is MN. There’s nothing like giving an OP a good kicking when they’re down.

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve read all the nasty responses to this thread with my mouth open. Did everyone miss the ‘undealt with mental heath issues’. You sounded overwhelmed and stressed. You should not have been made to go on a holiday with MIL when you weren’t ready to.

Your Mum was clearly worried about you… why can’t people read between the lines here?

Then your MIL ignores you for the whole holiday and for the next 6 months.. yet it’s all your fault.

Can we all not be a bit kinder to a Mum who is struggling mentally and had a young child at peak difficult age. I was ok mentally and still refused to travel on a plane with my kids until they were a bit older.

Maybe AIBU wasn’t the right place for this. Sorry you’ve had such a hard time.

I am on medication thank you! Medication isnt the miracle you think it is though

Ok, that wasn’t kind of MIL to not continue with the plans.

But your DH needs to decide what relationship he wants with his family.

Yep

Wasn't really the time of day the flight was that was the issue really, your focusing on such a small part of the story. It just gave a bit of background and reasonings behind my actions, I am on heavily sedation medication so wasnt exactly the best flight time but it was what is was and I had to get over it

Is your MIL the kind of person to give the silent treatment? It seems to be more common with abusive husbands but can see how it would happen in other relationships?

Have sent messages before but I never get a reply so dont bother

AIBU definitely wasn’t the right place to post for support. It’s full of lurking keyboard warriors looking for victims to humiliate and discredit. And they’re out in force on this thread. I’ve never seen such a kickfest against a young mum in difficult circumstances and without a shred of support for what are clearly significant mental health issues. Just the usual shitty pile on and nitpicking of irrelevant details to derail. Very telling that some of these posters are now coming after those who supported OP with sharpened knives because a couple of minor details have been clarified and don’t align with what some of us may have thought. It’s pathetic and I have no idea why anyone comes to MN looking for support any more.

He said he fell out with her because of me but he's so secretive about his phone and any contact with her that tbh I wouldn't actually know, I go off what he tells me...

And nothing like hyperbole to add into the mix on MN either!

Adding detail that’s not there, but then it’s irrelevant detail.

It’s such an awful thread. Good for the few of you sticking up for the OP. It’s been nasty to read. I hope she’s ok.

My mum didn't fly out because she has a young child herself who was attending school and she had work also, my aunt has a more flexible working arrangement with her workplace and she will never say no to a holiday in lanzarote

Yes she can give silent treatment but is also very good at playing victim and everyone needs to bow down to her! I have been moaned at for not having a smile planted on my face the whole time she's visited for a weekend before, like I couldn't have a resting bitch face without causing an argument and saying im making his mum uncomfortable

Where did anyone add detail that wasn’t there ? A couple of things needed clarifying to end the speculation, and they were. It’s irrelevant that MiL paid for the holiday, and it’s irrelevant whether auntie flew in or lived there. OP didn’t want to go on the holiday. DH clearly did, and talked her into it. She felt overwhelmed and she had no support - either from her DH or his extended family. Had she been allowed to make her own decision about the holiday, none of it would have happened.

Ah, thank you for clarifying OP. And I wasn’t criticising, just puzzled. I think the level of concern your mum had - enough to put your aunt on a plane - speaks to the nature of your difficulties. I have no idea why you’ve been given such a hard time here, or why posters are showing such little knowledge or concern for what sounds like a significant MH issue. Some of the comments have been sickening. I can only hope you can all move past this and that things improve for you.

I agree with what you said in a previous post by the way. Medication for MH is not the be all and end all that some posters advocate here, and in many cases can actually make things worse. Can you afford private talking therapy ? If not, speak to your GP to see if you can get a referral - it takes longer on the NHS but it’s worth it. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger who has no skin in the game can be very freeing because you can say what you need to and bounce thoughts off them without fear of upsetting or offending anyone.

I do think from what you’ve said about your DH, that you have a problem there. It doesn’t seem that he has your back - either with his extended family, or with parenting. He shouldn’t have tried to talk you into the holiday if it was obvious you were struggling - holidays aren’t a magic bullet for MH problems, especially when you have extended family to consider. He should also have stepped up on the plane instead of criticising you for not being able to stop your DD from crying. He’s her dad, not a sperm donor, and you’d do well to remind him of that.

With the clarifications, why on earth would you want to see MIL then and with the way your DH has behaved, there needs to be some kind of couples’ therapy.

Reads to me that they are adding to your MH issues and stress, not helping, especially your DH.

Anyone who thinks they can dictate how my face looks can easily get out of my face and/or stop looking.

After having children and getting older, you find yourself more inclined to speak up for yourself and go further in limiting the things that bring stress to your life.

What has it been like with MIL’s ‘silent treatment’?

If it has been peaceful, use the time to make plans for yourself and only spend time with her unless necessary.

You seem to have a weird idea of what hyperbole actually is. Myself and several other posters were simply speculating on the possible reasons Aunty came instead of mum. Sorry - didn’t realise we had to pass muster with the thread language police.

You did here

OP’s mother had her aunt check on her because she was worried about her mental health - and there’s no suggestion that auntie flew anywhere, more likely she lived locally to where OP was staying. Otherwise, logically, mum would have gone herself.

Total hyperbole and detail that was incorrect..

Honestly your right I do need to advocate for myself more, and i have been in therapy to help aid this but clearly there's more work to be done.

The silent treatment has been bliss and feels like I can be myself and enjoy my weekends off work mostly without having her to entertain and cater too. For background this is the same woman that visited for a weekend, we got up early (7am eating by 8:30) and had a small breakfast date before meeting up in later afternoon for lunch and she kicked off at us and kicked us out of the pub and told us to go home because we weren't hungry for lunch but said we didn't mind sitting and chatting while they had something to eat.

It sounds to me as if MIL pulled back as your Aunt was there.

If you have all been no contact for 6months, why is the visit going ahead?

Why hasn't your husband said no?

At the very least she must stay elsewhere & you meet up in a neutral place so that you can leave if necessary.

kicked us out of the pub and told us to go home because we weren't hungry for lunch

With incidents that are coming out now I don't understand why any of you went on holiday with her.

Sounds as if your husband needs therapy to detach!

This. I think OP and her DH could definitely benefit from couples therapy - with the caveat that you don’t have therapy with your abuser, and there are some concerning details about DH which seem to stray into mental abuse territory - only OP knows whether that’s typical behaviour or not. But l think OP could benefit from some talking therapy of her own to address some MH issues. - medication is all very well, but getting it all out gives you perspective, especially freeing if you’re talking to an impartial counsellor allowing you to say whatever you feel without fear of offending or upsetting.