Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel?

81 replies

lotalemarshe · 10/08/2025 23:58

I’m 25, dating a man who is 40. He is separated but still married and has two children. We’ve been together for a year.

This summer, I asked him not to go on his usual summer holiday with his ex wife and her family. He agreed, and they split their usual summer holiday in half so that he could go with the children and then she could go with the children.

He unexpectedly stayed for two extra days (Friday - Sunday) and I found out that it was because he wanted to stay for the weekend, despite his ex wife and her family having arrived on Friday, when he was due to leave. When I spoke to him on Friday, I asked how his journey home was and he said that he’d had to stay because they weren’t arriving until the next day. It turns out that this was a lie and that they’d all actually arrived that day. He then ignored me all afternoon on Saturday to avoid having to tell me (until close to 11pm) that he’d decided to stay for yet another day.

How would you feel? I feel betrayed, but am I wrong for feeling that way? He didn’t sleep with his ex wife or even in the same room as her (or at least that’s what he told me) but I feel like I’ve been cheated on regardless because he was out there on holiday playing happy families, pretending like I don’t exist, like our relationship is worth nothing.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 11/08/2025 00:15

I feel like you're too young to date a forty year old married man with two kids.

Don't waste anymore time here.

Katflapkit · 11/08/2025 00:19

This is not the relationship for you. His kids will always come first and there will always be their mother. You're not up for it

Pomegranatecarnage · 11/08/2025 00:21

I’d leave this one go.

TimeForTeaAndG · 11/08/2025 00:22

He isn't even fully divorced yet. He's lying to you. Just put him back, don't be his mid-life crisis.

SwanRivers · 11/08/2025 00:23

I feel as though you're far too young for him.

And I feel as though he shouldn't have given in to your wishes if he wants to holiday with his kids and their family.

But mostly I feel as though he shouldn't be dating anyone until he's divorced.

SwanRivers · 11/08/2025 00:24

And for Christ sake do NOT get pregnant by him and think that'll mean he'll miraculously put you and the baby first.

MeganM3 · 11/08/2025 00:28

He has a family. They might be separated but they’re still his family. There will be a lot of love there, regardless of you and his relationship.
It is very difficult to understand and manage this sort of dynamic. Just because one aspect of the relationship is cut off, doesn’t mean all fondness and interest is gone. He has likely spent many years with them all, they are part of him.

If your relationship is strong then you should be able to talk about this and work through it. But you’ll need to be mature and understanding. And not take things like this personally. It’ll isn’t for the faint hearted by a long shot.

Adanola3456 · 11/08/2025 00:31

I feel like you’re probably too immature to date someone who has kids if this is how you feel about these things. I think it’s nice when kids have amicable parents and can all spend time together every now and then. It sounds like you’re jealous and it’s never going to work in this situation.

twinkletwinklelittlestarhiwwur · 11/08/2025 00:34

He should be honest but if you're going to be with him, you're going to have to accept that he is going to have an ongoing co-parenting relationship with his ex and might sometimes do things together with her (family events, etc) for the sake of the children.

JLou08 · 11/08/2025 00:37

If I was his child I would feel great, how nice that they can have quality time with both parents.
If I was the parent in this situation I'd love that we could be amicable and give the children good memories.
If I was a childfree 25 year old woman I imagine I would be seething with jealousy.
I think you're too young to be with a man who has children. Find a young childfree man.

Thattimeofthenight · 11/08/2025 00:38

Why are you with a man so much older than you who is still married and has children? Honestly, get a grip of yourself and go find a better man.

whitewineandsun · 11/08/2025 00:42

He's still married and has children. Why tie yourself to this man? She's always going to be around.

BreakingBroken · 11/08/2025 00:43

shame on you for suggesting the change in the first place.
very immature on your part.
this relationship is most likely not the right one for you.
good on him for doing the right thing.

IntoTheFringe · 11/08/2025 00:54

You've been together for a year but he is still married? How soon after they separated did you get together (assuming it was after, of course)? Does he intend to get divorced at any point?

While it's great for the children that he and his wife (she's not his ex wife yet) have clearly remained amicable, it's not ideal for you. I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man whose life is still so intertwined with someone else. Being angry that he was away "playing happy families" is a bit ridiculous. They are his family. His children will always come before you. You need to be able to deal with this or accept that this is not the kind of relationship you want.

Original poster
lotalemarshe · 11/08/2025 01:07

I’m upset because they haven’t told their children or their in laws about their separation, so while she knows about me, no one else does. I asked him not to go away to stay at his in laws house with her later in the month because he’d have to share a bed with her, but it was actually her who suggested that they split their summer holiday, presumably out of respect for me which I was surprised by and appreciated.

I’m hurt that he lied because I don’t think there was ever a plan for him to come home on Friday despite that having been what he told me. I think he always planned to come home on Sunday.

Ironically, I’d actually messaged him to say that if he was having a lovely time and wanted to stay, I didn’t want to stand in his way. He ignored the message and lied anyway, so knowing that he did that and then spent 2 days presenting himself as being in a relationship with her when their relationship has amicably ended and they’ve agreed to see other people, really hurts.

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 11/08/2025 01:16

obviously, his previous relationship is still at a very messy stage.
you will need to either accept that your relationship will suffer from collateral damage or break-up and suggest you rekindle the relationship once the family is aware and the divorce papers filed.

Diarygirlqueen · 11/08/2025 01:52

Why did you say in your opening post you asked him not to go and he agreed, you then get posters saying you are selfish to ask this of him and suddenly change it to that of his wife asking for the holiday to be split?
Don't be changing the narrative of the story to suit yourself!
You were not thinking of his children, only yourself. You are naturally jealous, most people would be.
This is not the relationship for you, it def would take maturity and understanding of kids needs to be happy in this situation.

You are in different stages in your life, is this really how you want to live your 20s?

awkwardasfuck · 11/08/2025 02:26

To answer your question id feel stupid love.

Fuck him off. Find an older man by all means they are more attractive, but go 30s and unmarried and no kids if you can.

Catladywithoutacat · 11/08/2025 02:37

I stopped reading at 25 and 40 says it all unless he is buying you a house and car and paying for your life

autienotnaughty · 11/08/2025 06:38

Early stages of relationships should be fun and exciting. This sounds hard work. They have a long way to go to dissolve their relationship (are they still living together?)
You asked him not to spend the summer with his ex. He agreed but then lied and stayed with her. You can’t trust him and he prefers lying to honest discussion

id move on

SpanThatWorld · 11/08/2025 06:45

"they haven't told their children ... about their separation"

What?

ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera · 11/08/2025 06:46

How would I feel? Like I was just at the beginning of my adult life and I'd throw myself into the thick of a failing relationship and marriage that produced not just children but the accompanying network of established extended family members - grandparents, ( probably aunts-uncles and cousins) and I was trying to get the whole show to bend to my will and it likely never will.

OhDorWheresthesalad · 11/08/2025 06:50

I suspect he is not quite as separated as he is saying he is.
I don't think a relationship with a middle aged married father of 2 is in your best interests.
I don't think he cares because he's shagging someone 15 years younger and then going to shag his wife.
Find someone available, younger and less complicated.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 11/08/2025 06:50

SpanThatWorld · 11/08/2025 06:45

"they haven't told their children ... about their separation"

What?

So they must still be living together?..
Have you actually had any contact with the 'ex'?

Simplestars · 11/08/2025 06:54

Move on now.