Page 2 | How would you feel?

lotalemarshe · 2025-08-10T22:58:32+00:00

I’m 25, dating a man who is 40. He is separated but still married and has two children. We’ve been together for a year. This summer, I asked him not to go on his usual summer holiday with his ex wife and her family. He agreed, and they split their usual summer holiday in half so that he could go with the children and then she could go with the children. He unexpectedly stayed for two extra days (Friday - Sunday) and I found out that it was because he wanted to stay for the weekend, despite his ex wife and her family having arrived on Friday, when he was due to leave. When I spoke to him on Friday, I asked how his journey home was and he said that he’d had to stay because they weren’t arriving until the next day. It turns out that this was a lie and that they’d all actually arrived that day. He then ignored me all afternoon on Saturday to avoid having to tell me (until close to 11pm) that he’d decided to stay for yet another day. How would you feel? I feel betrayed, but am I wrong for feeling that way? He didn’t sleep with his ex wife or even in the same room as her (or at least that’s what he told me) but I feel like I’ve been cheated on regardless because he was out there on holiday playing happy families, pretending like I don’t exist, like our relationship is worth nothing.

AbzMoz · 11/08/2025 06:57

Still playing happy families after a year? Open your eyes…

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 11/08/2025 06:58

Does his wife even know that they are seperated? I think not! Raise your bar - it is positively subterranean...

PurpleThistle7 · 11/08/2025 07:01

I would feel like I’d wasted a year of my life on this mess. Those poor kids. Please just walk away.

Climbingrosexx · 11/08/2025 07:03

I was once seeing someone who was spending Christmas with his ex and I found out 2 days before. That was the end of the relationship. Not because he was spending Christmas with her but because he didn't tell me. If he had I would have walked away sooner. My argument was that he should have told me and given me a choice to stay or go. This was simply not the life I wanted for myself. If the man I was dating was going to spend the whole of Christmas with his ex then he just wasn't the man for me. You don't have the right to force him to change his life but you do have the right to decide what is and isn't acceptable for you.

bumbaloo · 11/08/2025 07:04

Thattimeofthenight · 11/08/2025 00:38

Why are you with a man so much older than you who is still married and has children? Honestly, get a grip of yourself and go find a better man.

Better??? Why is being 40 with dc not good enough?
do you think separated women with dc are not worthy too?

ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera · 11/08/2025 07:06

bumbaloo · 11/08/2025 07:04

Better??? Why is being 40 with dc not good enough?
do you think separated women with dc are not worthy too?

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I think unnecessarily saddling yourself with this kind of baggage is inadvisable for anyone who can avoid it, regardless of the sex of whoever is in which role.

Zanatdy · 11/08/2025 07:07

I’d stay well away from this. The children don’t even know? Assume he is still living with his family then. Far too much hassle and complication. Walk away.

Gonk123 · 11/08/2025 07:11

He absolutely should not be holidaying with his ex/wife if he is in a relationship with you. Kids or not!
All these perfect people blaming you in their moral high ground are out of touch.
So the fact that he has and he lied about it, is a clear indicator that he hasn’t emotionally removed himself from the relationship. Nothing to do with the kids.
End it and move on, honestly, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache.
kind of the wife to look out for you - says a lot.

SoftPillow · 11/08/2025 07:12

You are 25, young with so much ahead of you. Don’t saddle yourself with this man.

I am married to a 40 something, and as lovely as he is, can’t begin to fathom why a 25yr old would fancy him. And what he’d have in common with her. Sex for sure but what else? I certainly can’t imagine her being a step mother to our 3 kids.

My advice: leave him. This isn’t a lasting or real relationship. Find someone your own age with less complications. Go on holiday, have fun, go out, have adventures together, experience life with someone who makes you feel great

kkloo · 11/08/2025 07:29

They haven't told the children they're separated? So are they still living together then?

Moonnstars · 11/08/2025 07:38

It sounds like you are just his bit on the side.

How does it work if the children don't know they are separated? This must mean he is still living with his 'ex' and involved within the family home.

He is clearly lying to you and wants to have his cake and eat it.

You can do better.

HideousKinky · 11/08/2025 07:40

I think you're being played

londongirl12 · 11/08/2025 07:42

lotalemarshe · 11/08/2025 01:07

I’m upset because they haven’t told their children or their in laws about their separation, so while she knows about me, no one else does. I asked him not to go away to stay at his in laws house with her later in the month because he’d have to share a bed with her, but it was actually her who suggested that they split their summer holiday, presumably out of respect for me which I was surprised by and appreciated.

I’m hurt that he lied because I don’t think there was ever a plan for him to come home on Friday despite that having been what he told me. I think he always planned to come home on Sunday.

Ironically, I’d actually messaged him to say that if he was having a lovely time and wanted to stay, I didn’t want to stand in his way. He ignored the message and lied anyway, so knowing that he did that and then spent 2 days presenting himself as being in a relationship with her when their relationship has amicably ended and they’ve agreed to see other people, really hurts.

You’re 25 and being an absolute mug. Go and find someone your own age. This won’t end well.

Zonder · 11/08/2025 07:55

lotalemarshe · 11/08/2025 01:07

I’m upset because they haven’t told their children or their in laws about their separation, so while she knows about me, no one else does. I asked him not to go away to stay at his in laws house with her later in the month because he’d have to share a bed with her, but it was actually her who suggested that they split their summer holiday, presumably out of respect for me which I was surprised by and appreciated.

I’m hurt that he lied because I don’t think there was ever a plan for him to come home on Friday despite that having been what he told me. I think he always planned to come home on Sunday.

Ironically, I’d actually messaged him to say that if he was having a lovely time and wanted to stay, I didn’t want to stand in his way. He ignored the message and lied anyway, so knowing that he did that and then spent 2 days presenting himself as being in a relationship with her when their relationship has amicably ended and they’ve agreed to see other people, really hurts.

They haven't told their children? So do they all still live together?

You're sounding like the OW here.

smallslyfox · 11/08/2025 07:56

At 25 you absolutely do not need the baggage that a 40 year old man with two children who is still at best, pretending to be with his wife or at worst is actually still with her brings. Honestly this has disaster written all over it.

Didimum · 11/08/2025 08:06

bumbaloo · 11/08/2025 07:04

Better??? Why is being 40 with dc not good enough?
do you think separated women with dc are not worthy too?

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You’re projecting.

Yes, there are better men out there for a 25yr old than a 40yr old man who is still pretending to be with his wife to his family members and keeping her a secret after a year.

LivingTheDreamish · 11/08/2025 08:06

Yes I think I would dump this one. Too complicated and still married.

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 11/08/2025 08:09

lotalemarshe · 11/08/2025 01:07

I’m upset because they haven’t told their children or their in laws about their separation, so while she knows about me, no one else does. I asked him not to go away to stay at his in laws house with her later in the month because he’d have to share a bed with her, but it was actually her who suggested that they split their summer holiday, presumably out of respect for me which I was surprised by and appreciated.

I’m hurt that he lied because I don’t think there was ever a plan for him to come home on Friday despite that having been what he told me. I think he always planned to come home on Sunday.

Ironically, I’d actually messaged him to say that if he was having a lovely time and wanted to stay, I didn’t want to stand in his way. He ignored the message and lied anyway, so knowing that he did that and then spent 2 days presenting himself as being in a relationship with her when their relationship has amicably ended and they’ve agreed to see other people, really hurts.

Then leave this relationship. If he hasnt been honest with his family then there is no point.

Why did they split up?

whitewineandsun · 11/08/2025 08:16

He's playing you. You're essentially his long-term affair. You need to wake up.

Zanzara · 11/08/2025 08:22

This is nuts OP. You know in your heart of hearts it's nuts. Finish it now before you get even more embroiled and hurt further down the line.

Sure, it will hurt for a while, but then you'll be free to meet someone decent who can commit to you like you want them to. You've still got plenty of time.

MyMauveWasp · 11/08/2025 08:25

lotalemarshe · 11/08/2025 01:07

I’m upset because they haven’t told their children or their in laws about their separation, so while she knows about me, no one else does. I asked him not to go away to stay at his in laws house with her later in the month because he’d have to share a bed with her, but it was actually her who suggested that they split their summer holiday, presumably out of respect for me which I was surprised by and appreciated.

I’m hurt that he lied because I don’t think there was ever a plan for him to come home on Friday despite that having been what he told me. I think he always planned to come home on Sunday.

Ironically, I’d actually messaged him to say that if he was having a lovely time and wanted to stay, I didn’t want to stand in his way. He ignored the message and lied anyway, so knowing that he did that and then spent 2 days presenting himself as being in a relationship with her when their relationship has amicably ended and they’ve agreed to see other people, really hurts.

You are part of the problem. But so is he. I feel your emotional insecurities and there is nothing wrong with that. I would say get some emotional space and go party and date for a while, then find a nice young respectful man of your own age xx

Topjoe19 · 11/08/2025 08:31

This is a world of pain waiting for you. No good is going to come from this relationship.

Cynic17 · 11/08/2025 08:33

They're his family- all of them. Of course they take priority.

Thattimeofthenight · 11/08/2025 08:49

bumbaloo · 11/08/2025 07:04

Better??? Why is being 40 with dc not good enough?
do you think separated women with dc are not worthy too?

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Yes.

I think exactly that.

She’s 25. Twenty fucking five.

A 25 year old man should find a better woman in the same circumstances.

She needs to find a better man. Clear enough?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 11/08/2025 18:40

YANBU in that you feel unnerved by the fact he lied.

You would be being unreasonable if you were not to expect them to maintain an amicable coparenting relationship which can, for most, be bloody hard!

I suspect that, given she showed you some respect this has potentially been her decision… she seems unbothered he has moved on.

I think the above speaks volumes about this man and you would be wise to move on. You can never have a successful relationship with someone who lies.