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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel?

81 replies

lotalemarshe · 10/08/2025 23:58

I’m 25, dating a man who is 40. He is separated but still married and has two children. We’ve been together for a year.

This summer, I asked him not to go on his usual summer holiday with his ex wife and her family. He agreed, and they split their usual summer holiday in half so that he could go with the children and then she could go with the children.

He unexpectedly stayed for two extra days (Friday - Sunday) and I found out that it was because he wanted to stay for the weekend, despite his ex wife and her family having arrived on Friday, when he was due to leave. When I spoke to him on Friday, I asked how his journey home was and he said that he’d had to stay because they weren’t arriving until the next day. It turns out that this was a lie and that they’d all actually arrived that day. He then ignored me all afternoon on Saturday to avoid having to tell me (until close to 11pm) that he’d decided to stay for yet another day.

How would you feel? I feel betrayed, but am I wrong for feeling that way? He didn’t sleep with his ex wife or even in the same room as her (or at least that’s what he told me) but I feel like I’ve been cheated on regardless because he was out there on holiday playing happy families, pretending like I don’t exist, like our relationship is worth nothing.

OP posts:
ellyeth · 11/08/2025 19:59

I think you are already not trusting this man, and it is likely that this mistrust will increase when similar events occur - and they will.

Whether he is worth your trust is debatable but, even if he is above board, this rather odd arrangement is not really one that will give you confidence in your own worth.

I think he is too old for you and has too many other responsibilities for you to be his prime concern. It would, I think, be better if you split up.

Umbrella15 · 11/08/2025 20:25

I dont think he is really seperated, sorry op. If his children and in laws dont know, then clearly they are still living together as man and wife. Does his wife really know about you ?. This relationship is going no where, your just an ego boost for him. I would leave and find a man your own age who is single with no wife and kids in tow. Good luck

TooManyFools · 11/08/2025 20:33

This is bad news for you. And probably bad news for him and his wife. I don’t think you can tell a man that much older than you who has kids what to do. The kids should come first.

independentfriend · 11/08/2025 20:35

Have you ever spoken to her? If nobody else knows they're separated you're at risk of him lying to everybody and giving you and her different explanations for what he's doing. It might be enlightening to compare notes.

This is reading like a do-not-touch-with-barge-pole situation.

But amicable relationships with exes are usually a good thing - there's no reason he and his ex shouldn't take a holiday together with their kids (assuming they both want that).

hmmimnotsurewhy · 11/08/2025 20:38

What are you doing chasing after an old man? Surely you can’t be that desperate?

LittlleMy · 11/08/2025 20:40

SoftPillow · 11/08/2025 07:12

You are 25, young with so much ahead of you. Don’t saddle yourself with this man.

I am married to a 40 something, and as lovely as he is, can’t begin to fathom why a 25yr old would fancy him. And what he’d have in common with her. Sex for sure but what else? I certainly can’t imagine her being a step mother to our 3 kids.

My advice: leave him. This isn’t a lasting or real relationship. Find someone your own age with less complications. Go on holiday, have fun, go out, have adventures together, experience life with someone who makes you feel great

100% agree. Also the impact of such an age gap will really kick in more when say OP is 55 (fairly young still really) and OH would be 70.

Also, regardless of age, why saddle yourself anyway with someone whose personal life is so messy, they have unresolved baggage, children and to boot you don’t even trust them?! I’d only consider it if I desperately wanted to be in a relationship and that was the only man left on earth!

gamerchick · 11/08/2025 20:41

Have you actually spoken to his wife?

It sounds like you're the OW.

summerday25 · 11/08/2025 20:41

Don’t waste your years on him. I did this once with an older man and I really regret it.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 11/08/2025 20:51

She didn't do anything"out of respect" for you. I doubt respect is the last thing she feels for you, I'd imagine she's getting her ducks in a row and waiting for her husband to get over his midlife crisis so she can decide what she's going to do.
Don't get pregnant.

margaritabonita · 11/08/2025 20:52

OP I’m sure all of these replies are hard to read. But they are right, and it all comes down to your standards - don’t accept this for yourself. Get some therapy to raise your self worth and realise why this isn’t an optimal situation for you. It’ll be painful in the short term but will save you so much heartache long term; and when you find someone who does value you, who is able to prioritise you and incorporate you into his life, you’ll wonder why you ever settled for less.

jhmlwos · 11/08/2025 20:53

How old are the children?

a positive coparent relationship where nobody knows of the separation and a 25 year old GF sounds unlikely.

Zov · 11/08/2025 20:57

I agree with pps, throw this one back @lotalemarshe Don't be dating a 40 y.o. man, when you're only 25! It will not end well. Especially with him already having a family.

Value yourself more. Flowers

Daffodilsarefading · 11/08/2025 21:00

Do yourself a favour and dump him.
He is a married man with children and a lot older than you.
You are at different stages in life.
Quite frankly why is a 40 year old married father with a 25 year old childfree woman?
Think about it.
Ignore this advice and I guarantee it will end badly for you.

Swiftie1878 · 11/08/2025 21:03

You are too young to be putting yourself through all this. He has heavy baggage, and what you’ve described is the least of your problems.
Give him up and date someone your own age.

Growlybear83 · 11/08/2025 21:17

How can you be so gullible op? Unless you have left a lot of information out, your boyfriend seems to still be living with his wife and family, and hasn’t told anyone apart from supposedly his wife. Do you really believe that he’s told his wife about you and do you seriously think that he’s not still shagging her, especially on their cosy holiday? It’s so obvious that you’re the other woman. If he any intention of leaving his wife for you he would have done so long ago

RonnIeAl77 · 11/08/2025 21:21

You are being played. Leave him and let him sort stuff out with his family. What can you possibly have in common with a man who is 15 years older, married with kids? If no one knows, presumably he’s still staying in the family home? Get out now and find someone of your own age.

iamnotalemon · 11/08/2025 21:29

I’d be more bothered by the lie and no contact because of the lie.

Horses7 · 11/08/2025 21:35

You’ll have a lifetime of this ….at 25 you can do much better!

MavisandHetty · 11/08/2025 21:38

You’re 25yo. You don’t need to be with a 40yo married man with two children.

Do you know him from work? Is he your boss?

DaisyChain505 · 11/08/2025 21:41

You are being taken for a damn fool. You are far too young to be having this bullshit in your life.

Dump him, find someone your own age with less/no baggage and do things people your age should do.

unsevered67 · 11/08/2025 21:47

His children should, and will, always come first.
If he hasn’t told them about the separation then he’s not really separated.
It’s a very odd situation , and it doesn’t sound like you know the true reality.
You deserve so much more. Please don’t compromise yourself.

Jellywobbles2 · 11/08/2025 21:52

Well if this is real then the reality is you’re just a bit of fun to him, which you can see by the lack of respect he has for you. He can get another 20 year old in a minute, but his kids are irreplaceable and will hopefully always take priority.

When you’ve had another 20 years on the clock you’ll come round to this way of thinking. Sadly you probably won’t be told right now but the best advice is not to waste your best years as a play thing for a loser who’s peers wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole!

SnobblyBobbly · 11/08/2025 21:55

If I was 25 I’d be nowhere near a guy in his 40’s let alone a guy with kids. Why on earth would you want that kind of baggage at your age? Get rid, go and have a fun life.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 11/08/2025 22:30

Wonder if his wife knows they have split up? Are you being truthful here OP?

Laura95167 · 11/08/2025 22:51

Id know he was a liar. So you cant trust what he says about sleeping arrangements.

He doesnt like to text you in front of his wife. Who is still his wife despite them being separated a year

I see exactly what hes getting from you... not sure what youre settling for...