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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a 16 year old daughter

103 replies

StoneyBeachMumof3 · 08/08/2025 22:08

AIBU?? I have a 16 year old daughter who is an absolute delight! She is the loveliest girl, everyone comments on how lovely she is and she’s always with me. My DD gets involved in my work projects, church projects and is usually with me wherever I go.
I have never had a problem with her being with me all the time, she’s great company, very funny, can engage well with adults etc
HOWEVER… over the past 6 months or so she has become, on occasion, a bit disrespectful. She, I think, sees herself as my friend and therefore can sometimes speak to me as such; calling me by my first name, telling me I’m over the top, that I’m being too much, tonight she’s accused me “of shouting at her in front of everyone” I honestly don’t think that is true so when j asked her what she meant she said “oh I don’t remember but you always shout”. Honestly, I don’t think I do, and particularly not at her. It really upset me that she accused me of that, but also this is the second time now she’s said something like this. Tonight, I did not want to go to the social club that we are members of, I took the kids (on my own) away last week, I’ve had a busy week at work this week and none of the usual crowd were going to the club - my DD really wanted to go because she has friends there. I told her I would pop in just so she could see her friends but I didn’t want to stay- when we got there everyone was eating (they have special meal nights at the club). I said to her that it was awkward to wait whilst everyone else was eating and it was already getting late, it might be better for us to just leave. She immediately went for me saying “OK hunny bun we’ll just do what you want then” “it’s always about you” etc etc and I got really upset with her saying that it was never about me it was always about her- that is apparently when I “shouted at her in front of everyone”.
We are supposed to be going on a lovely treat weekend tomorrow just me and her, it’s a very expensive once in a lifetime thing, but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight as you are going away tomorrow she basically just shrugged and said “Oh well, Mum will make out everything’s fine anyway”! Ugh! Really hurt right now!
Any advice? Or pearls of wisdom? Or should I just ride this nonsense out?
Have two boys who would never speak to me the way she does so may well be just Mum’s and daughters but would be good to hear other people’s views- first time posting in all these years of parenting so please be kind!

OP posts:
Sixtygoingonthirty · 09/08/2025 08:37

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/08/2025 22:48

Sounds like the normal loosening of the apron strings to me.....push the safe adult away a bit by being a bit of an arse from time to time, because you know you don't want to be a child forever, but you still like having Mum there in case the launch into adulting goes tits up or gets a bit too much occasionally.

Have lots of patience, choose your battles, help her gain her independence at socialising with friends by dropping her off/picking her up if you're rural and feel that's what the situation needs. Prepare for lots of huffing, eye rolling, pursed lips, snapping at you, comments which imply that you know absolutely nothing......Try not to take it personally, and try to take a breath and speak calmly when you're not happy wtih her behaviour rather than accusing or shouting otherwise you'll just end up in a slanging match (maybe leave it half an hour to let the strop calm down a bit first).

The most sensible, non-judgmental reply on here!

PlaygroundSusie · 09/08/2025 08:59

I'm not a parent, but I find threads like this so fascinating.

Why is your daughter always with you? Don't you ever want to catch up with your friends and be able to have a proper adult conversation without her listening / chiming in? Don't you ever want to have a glass of wine or two at the pub with a friend? Or see a late night theatre show? Or a movie at the cinema that's not rated PG? Have your friends never suggested nicely that you leave your daughter at home on occasion?

Do you spend much one-on-one time with your sons? If not, why not? And what does your DH think about it all?

ChocolatePodge · 09/08/2025 09:12

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/08/2025 08:06

She's 16 and has a husband?

I was wondering this too? Her DH? I'd completely expect a level of defiance if on one hand she's expected to be mature enough to be a wife whilst also being treated like a much younger child

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 09:15

Assuming the OP would have explicitly mentioned if her 16 year old was married in the OP (it would be a fairly important detail re family dynamics) I’m going to hazard a guess that the OP was mixed up between writing ‘her DF’ and ‘my DH’ and the result was that we got ‘her DH’ instead. That’s more likely than the 16 year old having a DH. Especially because if they’re in the U.K., 16 year olds can no longer legally marry.

FaintlyMacabre · 09/08/2025 09:38

I’m sure this is actually a plot/storyline from a book or tv show but I have no idea what!
I think the OP has watched something- possibly with her own teen daughter- and is trying to see if anyone would behave like this in real life.
At least I hope so because surely this isn’t real?

zingally · 09/08/2025 10:10

She's sounds like a completely normal 16yo.

What is weird is how entangled you seem to be. I'd have never been seen dead going to a social club with my parents at that age. TBH, I can't even think of a place that would have teenagers and adults socialising together. I'm guessing it might be a churchy thing.

At 16, she should be off out with friends, not hanging out with mummy. I suspect this "occasional disrespect" is her trying to stretch her wings.

If you're as intense in real life as you've come across in this post, then I'd probably want to go and spend time with some friends as well. Even more so with this "very expensive once in a lifetime" weekend you've got planned. Which, I suspect, will have you breathing right down each others necks.

HardyCrow · 09/08/2025 10:20

DeathStare · 09/08/2025 05:35

I'm another mum of daughters similar age and slightly older. The "shouting at me" comments (or "you're always having a go at me" or "you're starting an argument with me") really got me down for ages.

Then some other people heard our conversations and I realised that (just as I thought!) I am neither shouting or "having a go" or "starting an argument". These phrases seem to be teenage-girl short-hand for me (politely and calmly) saying anything they don't like - whether that's "no you can't stay out until 3am" or "please could you wash your plate" or telling them they are wrong about something (eg "my friend's name is Mary not Margaret")

Yep

Anonymousforthisone2025 · 09/08/2025 17:54

You treat her like a friend and get upset she treats you the same way? I feel sorry for your other kids tbh, you blatantly favour her

Ymiryboo · 09/08/2025 18:24

Wait she’s 16 and married?! And she is completely enmeshed with you? Hello the hills have eyes family.

I think it’s important you hang out with friends your own age separately to her and as soon as she can she learns to drive

Blablibladirladada · 09/08/2025 18:55

Very well behaved teenage girl. Please share your secrets :)

Flossflower · 09/08/2025 19:02

As all the others have said, you are far too involved with each other. Living in the middle of nowhere is not really much fun for a 16 year old and you need to compensate by giving more lifts for your daughter to meet friends.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 09/08/2025 19:05

I can’t follow your posts.

All seems a bit fake to me.

A bit like a cult or living on a compound in the middle of nowhere?

Royston Vasey?

Spirallingdownwards · 09/08/2025 19:08

Why couldn't she just go to the club alone?

Dragonfly97 · 09/08/2025 19:39

I had a friend who was joined at the hip with her mum; only ever lived a couple of doors down from each other, went everywhere together, the mum died about 18 months ago, the daughter still completely devastated as they did everything together, including bitching about the daughter's friends, so now the daughter has few friends and zero social life ( never worked, so no friends there either). We all saw it coming, apart from the daughter. It was so dysfunctional and enmeshed I wonder why the daughter couldn't see what would happen. That lifestyle would have driven me mad. We are supposed to grow away from our parents to some extent, or this is the result.

LillyPJ · 09/08/2025 20:03

Ymiryboo · 09/08/2025 18:24

Wait she’s 16 and married?! And she is completely enmeshed with you? Hello the hills have eyes family.

I think it’s important you hang out with friends your own age separately to her and as soon as she can she learns to drive

I don't think DD is married. There was a bit in the OP about 'her DH' but I think it should have read 'my DH'.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 20:22

LillyPJ · 09/08/2025 20:03

I don't think DD is married. There was a bit in the OP about 'her DH' but I think it should have read 'my DH'.

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Honestly I think that people thinking it’s more likely that the 16 year old daughter is married than that the OP has made a typo is a bit insane!

kierenthecommunity · 09/08/2025 21:54

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 08/08/2025 23:04

Welcome to the world of teenage daughters. Sounds like you’ve got off lightly so far. They will eye roll. They will look at you in disgust. They will make out that you’re trying to make their life difficult even when you do your utmost to facilitate their needs and wants. I’m afraid teenagers are often irrational and self-absorbed. Even the nice ones.

Teenage boys aren’t much better 😫

DayswithDaisy8 · 09/08/2025 21:56

Different cultures do this. People are taking the post as written - hardly their fault.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 22:02

DayswithDaisy8 · 09/08/2025 21:56

Different cultures do this. People are taking the post as written - hardly their fault.

On the balance of probabilities, is it more likely that the 16 year old is married and the OP failed to mention it (apart from anything else, it would be quite weird for someone to be always with their mum if they were married, wouldn’t it?), or that it was a typo?

DayswithDaisy8 · 09/08/2025 22:04

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 22:02

On the balance of probabilities, is it more likely that the 16 year old is married and the OP failed to mention it (apart from anything else, it would be quite weird for someone to be always with their mum if they were married, wouldn’t it?), or that it was a typo?

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Again, different cultures. The UK is very multicultural these days. Most common name is Mohammed 🤷🏻‍♀️

SomeOfTheTrouble · 09/08/2025 22:08

DayswithDaisy8 · 09/08/2025 22:04

Again, different cultures. The UK is very multicultural these days. Most common name is Mohammed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Again, balance of probabilities in this particular case.
Irrelevant anyway, as the OP isn’t coming back.

theprincessthepea · 09/08/2025 22:45

She’s a teenager.

If you guys are as close as you say you are, you would also know her weaknesses. We arnt all perfect.

It also sounds like maybe you are close, but how “real” and “open” are you with her? You don’t have to be, but her comment about you making everything appear perfect anyway, may be something she has witnessed about you, and perhaps it annoyed her abit.

There isn’t a right or wrong with this. I banter with my teen, but when she steps out of line, I remind her that I am her mum, and I’m not afraid to say it and give her the stern eye. She also has had conversations with me about boundaries and feelings and moments when she feels like I have stepped out of line.

I think we forget that our children observe us - a lot - especially if they come everywhere with us. The question is just how vocal are they and what do the boundaries of your relationship look like.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/08/2025 22:53

I have a lovely relationship with dd but that comment would have got a sharp telling off. There has to be a level of respect. You won’t get it if you don’t have a line she can’t cross.

Hankunamatata · 09/08/2025 22:59

This reminds me of mother and dd at a hobby I do. We actually call her the womens side kick because the literally never go anywhere without each other. Its super weird

Bowies · 10/08/2025 02:31

Yes, generally normal teenage behaviour, but complicated by the lack of healthy boundaries.

Advice would be to encourage her to be more independent and secondly to reinforce your role as her DM - eg by not responding to her if she addresses by first name.

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