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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a 16 year old daughter

103 replies

StoneyBeachMumof3 · 08/08/2025 22:08

AIBU?? I have a 16 year old daughter who is an absolute delight! She is the loveliest girl, everyone comments on how lovely she is and she’s always with me. My DD gets involved in my work projects, church projects and is usually with me wherever I go.
I have never had a problem with her being with me all the time, she’s great company, very funny, can engage well with adults etc
HOWEVER… over the past 6 months or so she has become, on occasion, a bit disrespectful. She, I think, sees herself as my friend and therefore can sometimes speak to me as such; calling me by my first name, telling me I’m over the top, that I’m being too much, tonight she’s accused me “of shouting at her in front of everyone” I honestly don’t think that is true so when j asked her what she meant she said “oh I don’t remember but you always shout”. Honestly, I don’t think I do, and particularly not at her. It really upset me that she accused me of that, but also this is the second time now she’s said something like this. Tonight, I did not want to go to the social club that we are members of, I took the kids (on my own) away last week, I’ve had a busy week at work this week and none of the usual crowd were going to the club - my DD really wanted to go because she has friends there. I told her I would pop in just so she could see her friends but I didn’t want to stay- when we got there everyone was eating (they have special meal nights at the club). I said to her that it was awkward to wait whilst everyone else was eating and it was already getting late, it might be better for us to just leave. She immediately went for me saying “OK hunny bun we’ll just do what you want then” “it’s always about you” etc etc and I got really upset with her saying that it was never about me it was always about her- that is apparently when I “shouted at her in front of everyone”.
We are supposed to be going on a lovely treat weekend tomorrow just me and her, it’s a very expensive once in a lifetime thing, but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight as you are going away tomorrow she basically just shrugged and said “Oh well, Mum will make out everything’s fine anyway”! Ugh! Really hurt right now!
Any advice? Or pearls of wisdom? Or should I just ride this nonsense out?
Have two boys who would never speak to me the way she does so may well be just Mum’s and daughters but would be good to hear other people’s views- first time posting in all these years of parenting so please be kind!

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 08/08/2025 23:10

Sounds like the teenage years are just starting. You're lucky you've avoided it this long! My 10 year old can't get away from me fast enough - she's already starting to behave like a teenager!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 08/08/2025 23:13

She's not a child any more, so you can expect her to challenge decisions that relate to her and her household.

This is healthy for you both. She is a young woman and needs to practise questioning authority figures and pushing boundaries to get her own way/or learn to compromise.

CherrieTomaties · 08/08/2025 23:17

but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight

Sincere apologies if I’ve read this wrong (I’m V tired). But … Your 16yo DD has a husband?

SomeOfTheTrouble · 08/08/2025 23:19

CherrieTomaties · 08/08/2025 23:17

but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight

Sincere apologies if I’ve read this wrong (I’m V tired). But … Your 16yo DD has a husband?

I assume it’s a typo for ‘my DH’

Ketzele · 08/08/2025 23:21

Can I suggest you take my same-aged teen dd for 24 hours; you'll be thanking your lucky stars when you get back to your own!

You have to remember that it is her developmental job to push away from you, and that is going to cause some pain when you've been so close. That doesn't mean it's OK for her to be rude, but her testing the boundaries and you pushing back is all part of the process. Keep calm and remember that perfectly lovely and compliant 16 year olds should not be our goal.

Wistfullysleepy · 08/08/2025 23:22

What a weird enmeshed relationship. Sounds positively disturbing

LBFseBrom · 08/08/2025 23:29

Your daughter sounds quite normal for a 16 year old. You shouting at her in front of people mean you talking to her in front of others, perhaps saying things she would rather were private. She feels you show her up, you can't see it. I can because my mother did exactly the same, I still remember and I am 75! What's more she always denied it and told me I wanted to be 'secretive'.

She is a big girl now, deserve privacy and some respect.

JLou08 · 08/08/2025 23:41

Your relationship is going to change, it's transitioning from parenting a child to being the mother of a woman. I think it's normal for her to not want to be shouted at or feel like she is being led by you. She is still only 16 though so still immature and learning about how to navigate adult relationships so she will need some guidance whilst she learns.

vegetarianlouise · 08/08/2025 23:42

@StoneyBeachMumof3 "I have a 16 year old daughter who is an absolute delight!

,"it’s a very expensive once in a lifetime thing, but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight as you are going away"

Wait.. your daughter is 16 and married? eh?

MumWifeOther · 08/08/2025 23:49

She’s a teenager! They are up and down and it’s normal. Cut her some slack and do not jeopardise your relationship over rubbish. She’s a good kid, but no one is perfect and a bit of sass never hurt anyone!

Nessiesfoodprovider · 08/08/2025 23:49

You've got the boundaries blurred between her being your child (and you being the responsible adult) and her being your friend and fairly equal (especially with her now being 16). When you pull rank, it's causing tension and the hitherto hidden teenager emerges, strops for a while, then goes back into hiding again. It sounds as though you have a mutually respectful relationship so you don't see much of 'Kevin the Teenager'!
I would be encouraging her to do more things on her own, and you do that too, or it'll be a massive shock when she leaves home for work or further study etc.

Twelftytwo · 08/08/2025 23:51

Are you in America?

Nessiesfoodprovider · 08/08/2025 23:53

CherrieTomaties · 08/08/2025 23:17

but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight

Sincere apologies if I’ve read this wrong (I’m V tired). But … Your 16yo DD has a husband?

Is it a reverse and it's Teen Daughter come for advice?

Sometimeswinning · 08/08/2025 23:54

anonymoususer9876 · 08/08/2025 22:39

You say she gets involved in everything you do, but I’d ask why that is the case. Is there a reason she’s with you all the time?

Its healthy for children as they develop to have some separation so they can work through who they are as a person, away from their parents and practice resilience etc.

Sometimes they just go that way. My 15dd has a great group of friends. They hang out but some days she’ll choose me.

She is hilarious as am I. It just works. Or sometimes she’s a miserable cow and it just ruins the whole day for everyone. I’m really sorry not everyone gets to experience these lovely times.

whitewineandsun · 08/08/2025 23:58

I couldn't get away fast enough from my mother at 16. You seem very enmeshed. Can't be healthy.

Wistfullysleepy · 08/08/2025 23:58

My 15dd has a great group of friends. They hang out but some days she’ll choose me.
She is hilarious as am I. It just works. Or sometimes she’s a miserable cow and it just ruins the whole day for everyone. I’m really sorry not everyone gets to experience these lovely times

oh @Sometimeswinning thats a bit of an embarrassing pseudo brag. Your daughter ‘sometimes’ wanting to hang out with you is a little different to the op’s

My DD gets involved in my work projects, church projects and is usually with me wherever I go.

orangeyeahthatsright · 09/08/2025 00:01

TaupeMember · 08/08/2025 22:19

This whole post is somewhat disturbing.

Eh? How?

Zippidydoodah · 09/08/2025 00:01

SomeOfTheTrouble · 08/08/2025 22:13

Has she got any friends? Why is she always with you? Couldn’t she have gone to the social club alone?
You both sound completely enmeshed. She’s at the age where she should be developing relationships away from you.

This. It seems like an odd mother-daughter relationship to me.

Sometimeswinning · 09/08/2025 00:07

Wistfullysleepy · 08/08/2025 23:58

My 15dd has a great group of friends. They hang out but some days she’ll choose me.
She is hilarious as am I. It just works. Or sometimes she’s a miserable cow and it just ruins the whole day for everyone. I’m really sorry not everyone gets to experience these lovely times

oh @Sometimeswinning thats a bit of an embarrassing pseudo brag. Your daughter ‘sometimes’ wanting to hang out with you is a little different to the op’s

My DD gets involved in my work projects, church projects and is usually with me wherever I go.

Ok I played it down. She often hangs out with me. Unless she gets a better offer. Which would have to involve going to the city, not town, or the cinema.

Other than that, she’s always within 20 feet of me.

Screamingabdabz · 09/08/2025 00:12

You can’t be a ‘mate’ with your dd and then be upset she’s treating you like one! Banter and piss taking are all part of that familiarity with teenagers as they start to grow up and become their own people.

That was the interesting lovely bit for me. Seeing who they really are and how they're developing. It baffles me that so many parents want their teens to stay as compliant little child-like drones.

And why are you doing an expensive once in a lifetime thing with only her? What about your sons?

recipientofraspberries · 09/08/2025 01:20

You probably just need space from one another. All relationships, no matter how close and happy, get strained when you spend too much time together. Add teenagehood into the mix and I'm honestly not at all surprised she's snapping and seeming unreasonable. You're not going to have a chilled, laid back, always respectful relationship with your teenage children. Especially if you're 'always together'.

Get some space from each other.

RigIt · 09/08/2025 01:35

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2025 22:17

I don't really understand why she needed you to come with her at 16. Is there a reason why she didn't just go by herself? Are you very rural or something, and she is reliant on you for transport?

This. I did practically everything by myself at this age. Why did she need you to accompany her to the club so she could see her friends? Why couldn’t she just go alone? If it’s walking distance as you said she can just walk. I think you need to let go of the reins a bit. Sometimes that involves pushing them out of the nest!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 09/08/2025 02:53

Her DH told her to be nice because she was going on a trip tomorrow with you? Her DH? Please say this is a typo. (Though this IS MN, so who knows?)

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/08/2025 02:57

Couldn’t she have gone to the social event herself without you? Turning up and then immediately leaving again is weird, I can see why she would be annoyed.

At 16 her social life shouldn’t be dependent on you wanting to do something.

Her attitude, whilst not ideal, seems to be based on her being frustrated by a lack of independence.

Jerseygirl2023 · 09/08/2025 03:47

I’m glad a few others have picked up on it, and I’m sure it’ll be a typo. I re-read it over and over but are you saying your daughter has a DH as in darling husband?

it reads a little bit like a story from a period novel/drama 🥴