I have a 16 year old daughter

[StoneyBeachMumof3]

AIBU?? I have a 16 year old daughter who is an absolute delight! She is the loveliest girl, everyone comments on how lovely she is and she’s always with me. My DD gets involved in my work projects, church projects and is usually with me wherever I go.
I have never had a problem with her being with me all the time, she’s great company, very funny, can engage well with adults etc
HOWEVER… over the past 6 months or so she has become, on occasion, a bit disrespectful. She, I think, sees herself as my friend and therefore can sometimes speak to me as such; calling me by my first name, telling me I’m over the top, that I’m being too much, tonight she’s accused me “of shouting at her in front of everyone” I honestly don’t think that is true so when j asked her what she meant she said “oh I don’t remember but you always shout”. Honestly, I don’t think I do, and particularly not at her. It really upset me that she accused me of that, but also this is the second time now she’s said something like this. Tonight, I did not want to go to the social club that we are members of, I took the kids (on my own) away last week, I’ve had a busy week at work this week and none of the usual crowd were going to the club - my DD really wanted to go because she has friends there. I told her I would pop in just so she could see her friends but I didn’t want to stay- when we got there everyone was eating (they have special meal nights at the club). I said to her that it was awkward to wait whilst everyone else was eating and it was already getting late, it might be better for us to just leave. She immediately went for me saying “OK hunny bun we’ll just do what you want then” “it’s always about you” etc etc and I got really upset with her saying that it was never about me it was always about her- that is apparently when I “shouted at her in front of everyone”.
We are supposed to be going on a lovely treat weekend tomorrow just me and her, it’s a very expensive once in a lifetime thing, but when her DH said to her can you please be respectful tonight as you are going away tomorrow she basically just shrugged and said “Oh well, Mum will make out everything’s fine anyway”! Ugh! Really hurt right now!
Any advice? Or pearls of wisdom? Or should I just ride this nonsense out?
Have two boys who would never speak to me the way she does so may well be just Mum’s and daughters but would be good to hear other people’s views- first time posting in all these years of parenting so please be kind!

Yeah! :-)

The sooner your daughter can drive, the better.

Yes I agree.

I'm another mum of daughters similar age and slightly older. The "shouting at me" comments (or "you're always having a go at me" or "you're starting an argument with me") really got me down for ages.

Then some other people heard our conversations and I realised that (just as I thought!) I am neither shouting or "having a go" or "starting an argument". These phrases seem to be teenage-girl short-hand for me (politely and calmly) saying anything they don't like - whether that's "no you can't stay out until 3am" or "please could you wash your plate" or telling them they are wrong about something (eg "my friend's name is Mary not Margaret")

Try to let the smaller stuff go. If she’s really rude say calmly “did you mean to sound rude? Please apologise?” If she’s really doesn’t acknowledge her rudeness discipline her. I found phone removal for 3 hours quite affective. Short enough there’s an incentive to behave but long enough to inconvenience.

@Queenofplants I was the OP of that thread and reading this I thought exactly the same, I actually saved it just in case I felt brave enough (or cared enough anymore) to show my friend this is where it leads to.

I have completely given up on her now and most of our friend group have as well, it’s probably just as well seeing as she’d still be joining us on our nights out or spa days as a teenager 😂.

You both need to start having independent activities, otherwise you’re looking at a future where your young adult DD won’t really move on and do anything independently.

It’s good that she’s starting to test the waters though, do your part and start getting her to see you as the mother, not the bestie.

I think this too. She can go to the social club alone..! I think you need to start giving her more independence and space so she can get ready to fly the nest!! X

Are you in the USA - what club does everyone socialise together at -?Christian group?

Now that your daughter is sixteen and you do trust her,insist that she goes to the club sometimes by herself. Drop her off and pick her up. Also invite her friends home more often.

It sounds a bit strange to me that you spend so much time together. You say the club is in walking distance so surely she should have gone there by herself sometimes in the past? If not, she needs to learn more independence and you should be encouraging that. Her being 'disrespectful' is perfectly normal teenage behaviour so it could just be the first signs of her wanting to branch out on her own.

I had the same thought. It all sounds a bit insular.

My mum and I were always together too - I loved being with her and God I hope she felt the same about me.
And I had tons of friends, too. But Mum didn’t. She was shy her entire life and it was difficult for her to make friends. I mean, she had friends, but none that she hung out with like a bestie.
How about you, @StoneyBeachMumof3? Do you have friends that you hang out with or do you mainly hang out with your daughter?
And please know that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I did it myself.
But I never disrespected my mother. That’s where I draw the line.

You had it good for far too long. Be thankful for that.

You’re in my world now 😁

I am UK and several of the villages have social clubs that are the main social centres.

OP my lovely DD used to accuse me of shouting at her. The peak was when I was totally silent and still got accused of shouting.
But your DD does need more freedom - Mum’s taxi service is normal at this age, and then driving by lessons asap

Take on board the posts about this relationship being too emeshed

Have a Dd the same age agree with a pp this screnario sounds off. No teen girl I know wants to bring her mother to her social events. Quite the opposite. Also no 16 year old girl in 2025 use the phases you’ve used.

I agree she's at the age where she needs to separate from you bit.

I don't see why she can't stay at the social club on her own?

I hope when my kids are teenagers they are rejecting me and spending most of their time with friends because it's important to develop their independence.

As others have said: please encourage, insist even that your DD starts to become less dependent.

Explain to her that whilst you both have friends at the same club, she needs to be in charge of making her own plans and for getting herself there and back, within reason - you might want to pick her up if it's dark, for example, but if it's light and not late, it would benefit her if walking were the default expectation.

Enmeshed is a word that came to my mind, too. It certainly isn't normal for a mother and DD to be spending so much time together. I doubt it's healthy tbh, and is probably hindering her ability to develop into a confident and independent young woman with a strong sense of who she is.

I'm another one who is assuming you must be in the USA, and wondering if you DD is married.

You spend to much time together she needs some independence. She is going to snap at you its natural. She may be super polite but do you ever think constant parental supervision is somewhat suffocating. That this is her little way of rebelling.

And to be fair maybe you do snap/shout control her . And she isnt making up. You just dont realise thats how it comes across .

She's said she's in the UK.

In the nicest possible way, OP, whilst it’s great you are close, at the same time, you do now need to start to be stepping back and letting her have a little independence. Why did you not leave her at the social club to mix with her friends and collect her later? Was there no other parent who could have dropped her back home? I think her change in tone/manner is her creating distance because this space is what teenagers need to develop their autonomous selves, their own identities, so try not to take it personally. It’s often what they do and can be a gut, in the moment reaction.

For both your sakes, hard though it might be, try giving her more space. Facilitate her going out more without you. Otherwise - if and when she goes to university, you’ll be bereft. Plus, she won’t be prepared enough to manage that. She needs to develop skills of independence without her lovely mum being so much on hand.

Yeah, cut the apron strings. She needs to do things without you.

You say you are joined at the hip because you “live rural” so all your activities involve the same crowd etc but why is that not the case for your sons? If it’s so rural and everyone is in everyone else’s pockets, are your sons also coming to church activities with you?

She's 16 and has a husband?

I was going to say similar….
Just to check out how this looks from a mental health /emotional wellbeing perspective. I work with lots of close/borderline enmeshed mums and daughters and this inevitably happens as yp starts to realise they need wider relationships/is anxious without mum, and feels resentful.
May not apply to you at all just worth checking.
Is she okay at school? Socially (away from you) ?