to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

We were all friends to start with, and then some of us got closer because of the fertility stuff. But it wasn’t like my husband was on the outside. He was part of the group too. We all did things together, nights out, birthdays, weekends away.

When I got pregnant, the women stopped talking to me but still saw my husband. They’ve gone out with their husbands and him, chatted, even when he’s had the baby with him.

That’s why I think there is a male/female element. He’s also becoming a parent, but no one has treated him like a reminder or a problem. I’m the one who got shut out.

I think you need to remember that people’s lives change forever once they have a child, which means the friendship will never be the same (it’s very different if someone is childfree by choice) it isn’t a case of not being able to afford the same car or luxury holiday as a friend.

Its not whataboutary, it happened to me: 20 years of significant health and disability, but always supportive of my friend and hearing about her travels and work opportunities: then,one day when she found out we were going to have a baby, the jealousy and lack of pleasure for us was painful. When she did get pregnant, all was fine again. I still love her,always will, but I'll never forget she couldn't give me what id always given her.

Op.i see you thought my post was amusing. Interesting....perhaps these friends distanced themselves from you for reasons that had nothing to do with your pregnancy but used it as an excuse to jump ship ....just a thought 😊

Because, for the umpteenth time, you were the one having the pregnancy experience that they wanted.

It never hit me quite as hard if a male colleague announced they were becoming a dad as when a female colleague announced their pregnancy.

Yes but @Winterwonders24 youre making my comment into something that it wasn’t.

Your point is valid, but not really anything to do with mine.

😂

That's a fair point,and I'm sorry for you. I think what you describe feels more like a growing apart due to practical circumstances, rather than avoidance of pain. And to be honest, sometimes the emotional reaction to pregnancy can feel like a personal attack,or at least a guilt trip, as opposed to an acceptance life is just different for the parties involved and not close enough to survive it

Thanks for your understanding, it’s appreciated because a lot of people on this site like to pile on.

Chances are the friends would eventually get over it but it’s very ask to request a 5-10 year friendship break from someone so I think some people just disassociate completely (but if it were me, I would be brutally honest with OP, I think others are too scared to be labelled bitter and jealous)

Thanks for your understanding, it’s appreciated because a lot of people on this site like to pile on.

Chances are the friends would eventually get over it but it’s very hard to request a 5-10 year friendship break from someone so I think some people just disassociate completely (but if it were me, I would be brutally honest with OP, I think others are too scared to be labelled bitter and jealous)

gotta admit, think it’s a bit cheeky she tried to pick up where she left off though (unless she provided a sincere apology?)

It’s strange that it took your h this long to consider your feelings. Did you previously tell him that you were ok with him hanging out with your ex friends and their wives? Did you consider it as the wives ghosting you rather than the wives and husbands?

I still maintain that I understand why the wives ghosted. There’s no way to write a message where you know that you’re being unreasonable but don’t want to upset the other person either. You say that a breakup message would have made you feel better but others would be upset, angry, want a chance to have their say… and nobody wants that to happen. Even the words you suggested “I’m sorry but I can’t deal with seeing you anymore” would make the sender cringe as they know that it’s good that you’re pregnant and that as a friend they should be happy instead of feeling jealous and upset.

This 100 percent

If sending a short message feels cringe, I think ghosting someone is just as cringe.

Really?

My first baby died and I had years of infertility.

But as long as I have a baby, everything else I went through doesn't matter right?

I think you'll have to sadly accept that not everyone is made of such strong moral stuff as you.

All anyone is saying is that being infertile and never taking home a baby is a different experience to infertility with successful treatment.

I am someone who has been successful after a shit ton of IVF. It still makes me cry when I speak about it. I can’t have children without it, so there’s no whoopsie surprises in our future. It doesn’t mean my feelings are invalidated when I speak or empathise with someone who hasn’t been as fortunate as me to take home a living child.

Your posts really scream ME ME ME with little empathy for what your friends are going through.

In which case then that is hurtful and very odd. I think it is a situation specific to your particular group. I don't anyone whose husbands would ride along like this as if nothing is wrong when their wife is being specifically excluded.

In my circle there have been various people with infertility at various points, including me, and there has never been this dynamic.

You sound like a decent person OP.
the situation is just shit but I think it’s a hard pill that you need to swallow for now.
why is your husband going out with this friendship group with out you? Especially since they are ghosting you! I’d call the friends out on this tbh

With all due respect, you aren’t in the infertility club anymore. You’ll make new friends at baby groups, toddler groups, school gates and kids activities, life moves on for you, be grateful it does.

This is also very true

They don’t take it out on the men because they’re not (understandably) envious of the men. They want to be pregnant; that’s what they’re envious of and so the woman is the person who it is too hard to see/speak to etc.

I know very well that never taking home a baby is different to eventually having one. I’ve never claimed otherwise. But you’re acting like that difference wipes out everything I went through before getting here, or that it means I’ve stopped caring about other people’s pain. That’s simply not true.

My first baby died. I’ve lived the worst outcome as well as years of infertility. I know what it’s like to watch someone else get what you’re desperate for. I didn’t cut my friends off when I was in that place. I showed up for them even when it broke me inside.

So no, this isn’t just “ME ME ME.” This is me saying that friendship should go both ways, that ghosting someone you were close to is hurtful, and that it’s possible to understand their pain while still being honest about my own. If you can’t see that, you are the one lacking empathy here.

We were friends beyond the infertility club. We had history before all of that, spent time together as couples, celebrated birthdays, went on trips. The fertility struggle was something we shared later, but it wasn’t the only thing holding the friendship together.

Being in pain yourself is not an excuse for hurting others.