to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

It’s like people see the woman as having done it completely on her own, so she’s the one who has to be avoided or cut off.

It ends up being women blaming and shutting out other women, while the men carry on as normal. All the emotional fallout lands on the woman and the man gets to walk away.

Op I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time here. Fwiw I agree with you, I think it's extremely unfair that you have supported these people for years and shared a close friendship just for them to cut you off without a word but still socialise and see your husband. You have also been in their exact position and didn't make people feel the way they have made you feel.

Are you using ChatGPT to craft your responses? The double length hyphens give it away, along with the tone - rhetorical questions and so on. If so, why?

I am absolutely flabbergasted at some of the replies OP is getting, that seem to be saying as long as she gets a healthy baby in the end, so what that she went through the death of a baby and infertility. And seemingly OP should suck it up and not also feel hurt about her friends dropping her.

OP, I’m glad your DH is going to distance from the ex friends. You can both move forward together. Anyone who minimises your pain needs cutting out. This thread is making me annoyed on your behalf.

I haven't seen this as a general trend tbh but i suspect one massive contribution is that male friendships are often less emotionally deep. So then the vulnerability doesn't feel as high and is less impacted by the infertility factor. If before you guys successfully had a baby they got together and watched the game and maybe had a 5 mins chat about their IVF treatment stage; then it's not a huge jump to hang out and watch the game without that 5 mins included. Or even if it's still included it's often less emotionally deep eg "oh we are mid cycle" rather than "this feels hopeless". The reduced emotional depth then makes it less painful when each are in a different boat and less pull back is needed.

Agree and you can see many have not actually read OP’s responses.

Not sure how many times she has to say they were friends BEFORE the infertility and then said friends are happy to see her husband AND the baby.

Tbh, this type of thing reminds me of the girls who get pregnant in secondary and they’re treated completely different than the boys who impregnated them and their girlfriends still talk to said boys but ghost the pregnant friend.

Stil think it’s a DH problem. What decent spouse would be happy to see their wife be treated this way and still see the said couples treating her this way?

Thank you.

That is the message I am getting too. It is like everything I went though no longer matters and I no longer understand the pain anymore. The pain does not get wiped away just because I had the baby.

Not that it is a competition but not being able to conceive seems to be at the top (which gives the go ahead for all sorts of unpleasant behaviour) and even the death of a baby comes nowhere near that.

Read the update. DH has told them he will not be friends with them anymore.

What about women that drop childless friends after they have a baby? This happens a lot. You see threads on here of women saying they can’t relate to their childless friends anymore and just want to keep themselves at home with “their little family” and that they find their childless friends conversations so boring etc.

First of all I think that being nasty towards others for having a baby when you can’t / lost yours is obviously unfair. It doesn’t matter how you feel inside, to call someone names or begrudge someone of happiness is obviously not called for.

Having said that - I’ve lost babies before and yes, I was jealous of my female friends who were pregnant whilst I was grieving my baby. I think it’s a bit off for someone who’s dealt with infertility themselves can’t understand that when you are grieving wether that be your lost babies or getting pregnant you can’t see how other woman might struggle seeing woman with their big bumps and small babies. Whilst it does take 2 to tango, for me it was the trigger of seeing big bumps and friends talking about buying baby clothes or names that I struggled with.

Most woman I’ve spoke to who have dealt with losses also say how hard it is watching others with bumps or being invited to baby showers etc for the mum.

I have never been jelaous of triggered by the man because they are either 1) not close to me like best friends are or 2) pregnant and have a baby in their belly…

I still stand by my above comment but if this is true then obviously if your friends are ditching you and being off then they aren’t friends. You can be deep down jealous of someone’s pregnancy whilst still being friends.

Is it only about being pregnant that women treat other women badly? So you would not treat your brother for example any differently? It is fine to treat him the same because he does not carry the baby. It is fine for him to be a father and hold his baby but the SIL is the one to have all the jealousy towards because how dare she be pregnant when someone else can't?

This jealousy does not extend to seeing men with their children only to pregnant women for some reason.

It is not just about the pregnancy but the baby surely? How do all the jealous women avoid all the women with babies everywhere? Men who have their baby with them are fine apparently.

Yes and then they expect their childless friends to still be waiting when they’ve finally decided they’ve got time for them years down the line.

“How do all the jealous woman”

Can I just remind you that grief looks different to every one and as I mentioned it is unfair and nasty to be horrible towards anyone for having a baby just because you can’t or have lost yours. To call someone names or block them is not fair and I’ve never said that it is fine.

Grief is illogical, grief is a journey, grief hits and makes you feel things you’ve never felt before and sometimes can’t explain.

I lost my twins and yes I felt jelaous and a gut punch when I saw pregnant woman. I’m not apologising for that, it’s how I felt. I’ve never once been nasty to someone for being pregnant, I’ve stepped back and said no to baby showers before but I’ve always checked in.

Yes it’s horrible your friends have blocked you and continued to see your DH - I do think they are unreasonable for that.

And I don’t have a brother and SIL who have a baby so I can’t tell you how I would feel. Everyone’s grief is different and you can’t make assumptions about how you might feel if it hasn’t happened to you.

I don’t get why you can’t understand that sometimes seeing a pregnant woman with a bump is triggering for someone who has lost a child or is going through infertility. To be nasty is uncalled for, but to be secretly jelaous is normal.

I understand what you're saying, but i juet think if you think z friendship has gone beyond one thing you have in common to start the relationship ,to then be ghosted without a conversation is unreasonable, at the very least

I agree about the difficult, brutal conversations: but,as you show, if you presume good faith like we're doing,and have an adult conversation , it's just better. It's not op's fault she feels abandoned, but i do understand the other women finding it so painful theyd do anything to avoid that. But I think it's reasonable to think being told it's ending is fair.

You have just shown you don't understand. That is fine if you haven't experienced it.

But why are you acting like your situation is universal - sometimes the men's friendships also get impacted. Just because it hasn't happened in your circle doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I’m not saying it never happens to men. I’m sure sometimes their friendships take a hit too. I’m just talking about what I’ve actually seen.

I’m not claiming it’s the same everywhere, but in my circle it’s been really one-sided and that’s what I’m talking about.

Depends what you mean: disability? Definitely. Struggling to have a baby?how many years count?

It is more survival on their part. I wouldn't have expectations of them if I were OP.

My thoughts exactly!

Right….so we agree on that……