to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

So sorry Joyjoyw about your beautiful baby. Yes, the comments about " well you have a baby now, so you are fine now" actually compounded my grief even more and I ended up needing more counselling as I felt so withdrawn because after their sibling was born, I was very down. I felt guilty for my sons and a bad mother to my new baby but seeing the milestones my sons never reached and my rainbow hitting them, was so painful. But people didn't care and effectively ignored that we are still grieving. Being told at least I'm fertile was horrible and unfair. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone but burying two babies within a week of each was traumatising and still is. We also had to remove one of our sons off life support so I've learnt never to judge anyone no matter where they are on the fertility scale. You never know what's going on all the time. It's unbelievably hard on everyone who struggles

I hope you are doing ok now @joyjoyw in regards to your loss. Just take a step back as I said earlier, anyone who is struggling to get pregnant has the right to distance themselves and it isn't your fault but they do need the space too. People will come back to you eventually or they might not. But its something we have to acknowledge they need.

Women sharing the experience of infertility in support, are hardly going to be the women who will be a support group when one of the group gets pregnant.

it doesn’t make sense & I doubt it’s personal

I wasn't bitchy to women with children when I was going through infertility treatments either. I was very surprised that some people were careful not to tell me news about their children or new pregnancies, because why would I not be happy for them? The fact that I later had two children does not negate the fact that I did not make my infertility into other people's problem. I was kind to and happy for our friends with kids. Then again, I never did suffer from main character syndrome.

I can see that a lot of women going through infertility treatments do indeed treat it as a wonderful excuse to be absolutely nasty to everyone around them. That does not mean that it is acceptable behaviour.

I think the problem is actually your DH … as if your friends have completely ghosted you - then why has he still been continuing involvement with them?

YABVVU OP. You say you understand but in truth i think it is the opposite. Tbh I view you as a bit of a traitor op One would think you had never experienced infertility. Oh how some women forget the minute they have a successful implantation. You are a disappointment to the sisterhood IMHO. I would get it immediately. I've been there. A true friend would understand. I get why you are hurt, you miss them but at the end of the day you are pg whilst they aren't.

My male friends never had baby bumps for me to see, so it wasn't painful to see them.

It's not about you. It's about your situation being a reminder of what they can't have.

It also seems to me that some - not all - women going through infertility treatment and are successful seem to lose all empathy for those who are not. I suppose it is understandable in many ways, you just want to forget everything you went through and just be a normal new mum, but if you are one of the unlucky ones who never get their miracle, it cal leave a nasty taste in the mouth.

It's not being bitchy to distance yourself when you're in extreme pain. Main character syndrome has absolutely nothing to do with it.

He shouldn’t be going.

You need to speak to him, he shouldn’t be facilitating your exclusion like this, regardless of why it’s happening

Try reading the update.

Congratulations OP!!! You know is nothing personal towards you. So let them go and enjoy what is ahead of you. For them to avoid your hisband too, which difference would make to you? He should not reply to them if they are not talking to you, by the way.
People have lost a huge amoint of coping strategies andcmanners, to be honest. Too much pandering to their situation makes them unable to be happy for others, which is a massive flaw. But society seems to be favouring those with the sad story. It is wrong. Being sensible, yes. But they should celebrate with you. Specially when they know what you have been through.

😂

This. And distancing yourself from things you can’t face is the opposite of making your infertility other people’s problem.

I think it's unjustified to do this to men OR women: life's not fair, but we don't need to hurt others because of it

Posted twice in error

I do think there is a level of pandering with some yes. Many people experience very difficult times in their lives but in this case it seems to be acceptable to be unpleasant. I have no problem if people want to distance themselves or need space, just say it rather than cutting others off out of nowhere,

DH has explained to his friends with the cutting off wives that he won't be seeing them anymore because of their treatment of me. He did the decent thing and told them instead of just ghosting them.

Christ, with this thinking, how on earth do disabled people have friends who are able?!?

According to this thinking, it is fine to ghost anybody who has what you do not.

christ! With this level of whatabouttery it’s amazing anyone can see anything from a different point of view.

I never mentioned disabled people. You did. Friendships made from trauma change. And lots of other posters said that.

I have never said it was fine to ghost people you thought were your friends either.

They are only thinking themselves, too. Why is "kindness" a one way street?

What about other life circumstances? Is that ok to just cut people out as they have something you don't?

But if they don't say it but think it,they still are: not healthy for them, and I can't think of other circumstances this is so readily excused socially

Physical health, disability. That's fairly common and people just have to accept it.

I can think of a few - a lot of disabled people slowly withdraw from society, for example.

I’ve had to limit my in person contact with friends who have neurotypical children because my pre-verbal 6 year old will try and eat stones or elope and because their lives revolve around their kids extra curricular activities, we have very little in common anymore, what do you suggest people do in this scenario? Reality is that I’ll be caring for my son for the rest of my life so my circumstances are not going to change? So it’s easier to surround myself with people who truly understand (eg are in same position)

But were these women close friends with your husband? I got the impression from your OP that they were your support network and vice versa and not your husband's. If that's right, then how could they turn their back on your husband? You also said in an earlier post that no one stopped talking to your husband. Do you mean that these women kept a friendship going with your husband that now excluded you?

I think you are making this a male/female issue when it is not one.