to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Yes, because hearing all about your pregnancy would have been too much for her to bear. It isn’t personal. It isn’t a personal slight. It was self protection on her part. For some women, having children is the be all and end all and feeling they’re approaching the end of the line must be like the end of the world. I didn’t see it that way as I was always open to adoption, but I can understand why other people feel that way and how heartbreaking it must be waiting for your turn, but your turn just never comes.

She is acting like she never even ghosted me.

Oh well. I will just silently wish her well for her pregnancy without responding.

No it makes a difference, years of infertility and miscarriages here but 2 kids with me, there's a validation from those around you when you get your happy ending that when you give u (and we had at a point) and start to grieve rather than trying it's different.

You don't see that it's a bit unhinged to expect someone who is probably dying of jealousy, grief and sadness because you have the one thing they want more than anything to come to you and apologize for not being excited enough on the midst of their own sadness? You already have the baby why do you also need the validation?

Thank you so much. At last someone who understands that struggling with infertility for years but eventually having a baby is different to struggling with infertility and having to give up and never having a baby. 💐💐. Congratulations on your two children.

The man isn't pregnant. It also isn't the man who they bonded with over fertility issues. It won't be the man they see with a growing baby bump, it won't be the man who's fussed over with baby showers and comments on how they are glowing and questions about how pregnancy is going. I've never had fertility issues but even I can see how someone would be triggered by a pregnant woman but not a man who will be a father.
It seems like you are trying to make this into something it isn't. It's nothing like when women get blamed for all parenting failures, there actually is a huge difference between men and women in the prenatal period.

I'm sorry you haven't had the ending you hoped for 🫂 we gave up entirely after 5 years then got some private treatment for my recurrent losses which gave us our miracles. I still carry the trauma and have had to work through it as having a baby doesn't erase the trauma you went through. However I remember when we gave up we were expected to be loudly child free rather than grieve, people were very uncomfortable with the idea they couldn't just throw out platitudes about 'some day' and there was genuine resentment from some family members that we'd just move on. I'm so glad we have our children but I stand by giving up if there hadn't been a medical change because otherwise you just carry hope and constant disappointment with you and can't just live your life because of all the maybe. Infertility that doesn't eventually end in a miracle baby makes people very uncomfortable. Sorry to rant on!

But it does not mean I suddenly stopped being able to empathise

But your posts are not reflecting any empathy or understanding? You seem to be seeing this through an entirely self absorbed perspective - as if you are being punished , or your friends are being “unkind”. But it’s not that at all- it’s actually not about you.,

What I hoped for was basic honesty and decency. A simple message saying this is hard for me right now would have been enough.

did you write a message acknowledging that your news might be hard for them?

Get well soon 💐

That would be unhinged.

Good thing I was expecting nothing of the sort.

Yes it was.

I was cut off by some immediately.

I never said it was all about me. One thread on MN doesn't tell you everything about me and it is foolish to make assumptions based on that.

So these friends still having your husband over like before, they're just now only inviting him and not you? That's kinda messed up. Also, that your husband just goes alone to dinner parties with the other couples without you being invited.

He went over to watch the football with one friend and the wife who cut me off would hang about for ages chatting. DH met up with another friend to go to a sporting event and he brought his wife along.

DH has told them the friendships are over now. He is also not responding to the friend whose wife is now pregnant who cut me off.

That is ridiculous behavior

How old are you op? How long were you trc for?

Okay so at least it is not like he was invited to the wife's birthday party. That's slightly better. I think him having a separate friendship with husband is totally fine, like you could still be friends with the husbands cause they didn't cut you out. But the wives are being total AH for happily having dinner with your husband. I understand that men dont necessarily give the same feeling as a pregnant woman but after the initial shock and processing, they should be able to have some critical thinking skills and understand that they can't be hanging out with your husband if they've cut you out.

Sounds more like he is spending time with the husbands.

Yeah, it was originally framed as they were all hanging out together and excluding her, but now it sounds more like her husband was going to watch the game with his friend and the wife just happened to be there because it was her house.

what do you mean?

You’re being really controlling pushing him in to doing this from what you’ve described. You have real issues.

But that’s the attitude you are demonstrating by your posts on this thread.

Of course it’s understandable to be hurt that you lost friends- to feel that it’s unfair. It is totally unfair. None of it is fair. Infertility isn’t fair. It’s not fair that you ended up with a baby and they didn’t. The different roles of men and women in relation to reproduction aren’t fair. Losing friends isn’t fair. It’s not fair that you lost them and your DH didn’t. Of course your feelings of hurt and sadness are valid.

But at the same time you have demonstrated no empathy or understanding for what your friends are going through. You seem to think they are simply “unkind”, have behaved badly, have sought to punish you? You seem to think that they owed you something, when the reality is that they were in so much pain they had nothing to give. You also can’t understand why they might feel differently towards you than your DH- you keep calling it a “double standard” , with no meaningful rationalisation, again inflicted as a punishment on you. But it is completely obvious to almost everyone else why it’s not the same. .

your perspectives / rationalisations demonstrates total self absorption and very little insight/ understanding/ empathy,

When you were going through that, and bonding with them, and making that journey together, were the husbands as close, as involved, as invited in and supported and trusted?

If they were - if the husband was as close to those women as you were - then you have a point.

If they weren't - then those women who haven't concieved are reacting to and having a problem with the person that they've been connected to throughout. You.

It may not be fair that they react like that. But however they react, it can only be to you - because you're the person they're involved with.