to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

@joyjoyw please don’t fret over these people.. they are not and we’re never your friends, your bond was purely because you shared trauma/grief… the second any of you conceived the others would’ve cut them off too! It’s not personal.
How are they still talking to your DH? If my ‘friends’ treated me like this my husband would’ve blanked them too!

I’ve been both sides of fertility… my friend and I both suffered infertility… she needed hormone treatment which failed and I’d done four rounds of IVF as it was my partner not me… when she came and told me she was pregnant I was bloody thrilled for her, always asked how she was getting on and was genuinely interested in her pregnancy and scans etc… of course I wished I was also pregnant but was never bitter … when she came to me again upset that her hormone treatment hadn’t worked when trying to conceive second baby… I didn’t give the ridiculous argument of ‘well at least you have one!’… I comforted her… when she then told me she was pregnant with baby 2 I was again thrilled for her… I wouldn’t have dreamt of falling out with her… but then we were actual friends!!

After years of trying, I separated from him, met someone new and finally got pregnant.. my other friends who were also trying and having difficulties were pleased for me!… not a single one cut me off!…. Thankfully and weirdly they all got pregnant within months of me, I was thrilled and we all had bonnie little girls!!…. So weird lol!…. Most went on to have second babies .. I never conceived again sadly.

Anyway I wouldn’t waste headspace on these women… if they can’t be happy for others then they’re just bitter and twisted!

Survival is fine and I don't have an issue with it. But cutting someone off out of the blue is rather unpleasant. The survival mode only extends to women not men even when the baby is with a man.

It’s not survival. It’s just a bunch bitter women! Leave them to it!!

🎈🎈CONGRATULATIONS @joyjoyw 🎈🎈

Thank you for understanding ❤

It does feel like there is some bitterness and twistedness (is that a word?) 😂

I think you're showing up how you really feel by saying those who can't bear to interact with you because you're pregnant and they are not are 'bitter and twisted'. Quite a surprising lack of empathy and grace towards those suffering great pain because of infertility.

I was just agreeing with what another poster said. Several posters have commented it is unpleasant to cut someone off without warning. I know the pain of infertility. It does not get wiped out just because a baby finally comes. I also lost a baby too.

Then you of all people should be able to understand the deep pain these women are feeling?
I find it quite shocking that you think them bitter and twisted for simply not talking to you anymore.

Is it not a possibility? It is one of many possibilities.

Dear oh dear, OP. Can’t you just thank your lucky stars for your good fortune and understand the pain of those you’ve left behind? Instead you’re cross with the bitter old trouts!

And as for men… well, they’re men surprisingly enough and apart from an extremely short effort (!) they’re not really involved in the pregnancy and birth process. Also I’ve never discussed anything like this with friends’ husbands. How weird!

My husband was involved throughout the pregnancy, came to appointments, supported me every step and was there at the birth. Do you have a really low bar for fathers-to-be if you think that’s “not really involved”?

How weird!

Tbh, taking it out on anyone is too much. I struggled to conceive, but I never would have taken it out on my more fertile friends. Emotional self-regulation should t disappear because you can’t have a baby.

Let it go OP. You have a baby now. You will meet lots more people through this and into the future. It's blatantly obvious why these friends are finding it difficult to talk to you right now - no need to psychoanalyse them or obsess about them being bitter or twisted. It's wasted energy.

I have moved on. Completely normal to feel something or wonder why when you get cut off out of nowhere.

One has come back now she is finally pregnant. I will just leave it be.

But your baby is here already, so its already been about a year or more? It doesn't seem like you've moved on.

One has come back now she's 'finally pregnant' and you mention it this many pages in?

I don't think you're for real.

If you think that is the case, no need to reply then.

Once can move on and still discuss things. Two things can be true at once.

Does everything have to be mentioned on the first page? Is it a MN rule?

Are you the sort of person who just needs something to obsess over?

Are you honestly saying that what a man goes through during a woman's pregnancy and then birth is the same!?

You keep endlessly talking about the double standard but I dont think it's a double standard just the simple fact that you carrying a baby and then giving birth is much harder for these women to deal with than when thinking about your partner. I don't know why you cant see that. It's just how these women feel. It's not a standard just an emotion.

You know what I meant. If I meet a pregnant friend’s dh in the street, he is not sporting a maternity outfit. He is not the one writhing on the bed in the hospital, telling birth war stories later etc etc and, most usually, not joining the big Mum Club of baby and toddler groups and mummy friends (which is retrospectively viewed as awful but nonetheless we all embrace the stuff at the time).

Obviously I’m not saying it’s the same. I’m the one who went through the physical side of pregnancy and birth. But having a baby isn’t only about that and the baby we were all hoping for is just as much my husband’s as mine. I did not do it all by myself.

Saying “it’s just how they feel” doesn’t change the fact that in my case, they’ve cut me off completely. That’s not just some uncontrollable feeling, that’s a choice.

No, I’m the sort of person who’s allowed to talk about something if I want to.

How about you? if you mention something or start a post, does it mean you just need something to obsess over?

I am in the same boat as you, OP, but 100% this. It isn’t about you. It’s about them doing what they need to do and I would respect that, even if it seems hurtful from your point of view.

This.

It’s so painful and your bonds were forged of pain , not true friendship?

Yes. It really is grim. Not much empathy at all - perhaps it shows as clearly to them.

Yes it's a choice but I'm pointing out why it's not a double standard

Interestingly one has come back now she is pregnant. I will just leave her be.