Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

[Tracey555]

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

Do you want to resolve this or are you looking for an ‘exit strategy always better to make a decision and stick to it

To answer your actual question!!!! Yes it’s a very toxic response. He clearly doesn’t like to take accountability. And is expecting you to be the one that comes running.

Yes this time was on you but you have apologised. Does he ever if he is wrong! I’d say it’s time to move on.

To answer your actual question!!!! Yes it’s a very toxic response. He clearly doesn’t like to take accountability. And is expecting you to be the one that comes running.

Yes this time was on you but you have apologised. Does he ever if he is wrong! I’d say it’s time to move on.

But, he doesn't really respect you. He makes you chase him whenever he gets a mad-on/temper tantrum or argument? Who wants to live like that for life?

That is not a relationship to hold onto. Good times are easy, it's the tough times that matter, and he has shown you that he is a child when it comes to disagreements.

We've all misheard something or not understood a joke completely and laughed anyway at some point in our lives. People do it to hide or cover their embarrassment. You noticed and thought it was a good idea to point it out to the group. That is humiliating and no matter how you may have intended it, you can't dress this up nicely.

You've apologised, it's a start. If you really care, give him some space and in a couple of days, text, apologise again and take him out for a walk/drink/movie, something. He may give you another chance.

It sounds like your relationship isn't in a good place all round. There doesn't seem to be much respect on either side. I would definitely question the benefits of staying together when neither of you sound happy .

That was a really mean, unpleasant comment and then you walked out on top. Not him the problem here.

I agree, OP is indeed toxic

Ok I posted up thread to say I thought your comment was mean. But having heard that he's continuing the silent treatment (while using you to entertain his child) I think he's also unreasonable, actually more so.

I think a bit of distance and quiet time after a row or hurtful comment is not a bad thing and often necessary. My husband sometimes accuses me of sulking and "punishing" him for not immediately snapping back into sweetness and light mode. I've had to explain that I'm not sulking, i just need a bit of time for the sting of any hurt feelings to wear off. I talk to him perfectly civilly but I can't "act" being happy in the meantime and as long as he doesn't keep needling me about "sulking" I can get back to an equilibrium quite quickly (which i want to do, what's the point in being miserable longer than I need to be?)

That is not what your boyfriend is doing. He IS sulking and punishing. Telling you to come over and then ignoring you is a very strong message that he wants you leave you in no doubt that you're being punished. You've apologised and you tried to move things along by going round. He's more interested in making a point than having the issue defused and resolved.

I think you should end things. Sulkers don't change unless they make a conscious effort to and there's no sign of that.