Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

[Tracey555]

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

I don’t know. I already know it was wrong

I think he’s an arse

It’s not daily as I’m usually at work, I’m off for the Summer, but these men are regular ‘drinkers’ so it is something we do when we are there, he is a drinker anyway.

The word abuse is being abused.
silent treatment can be a form of abuse, or can simply be someone being overwhelmed and not knowing how to make a repair attempt. Also threats to separate- can be abusive, or equally the actions of someone who had fallen into despair or hopelessness because they don’t have the tools to fix the situation

there's so much actual abuse out there, we do ourselves and the victims a disservice by applying this word so liberally

OP fwiw it sounds like he doesn’t have a great emotional toolkit at the very least and that is a problem, especially if he doesn’t recognise it.

Good for you, you are changing the pattern already. At least for tonight he needs space. Distract yourself so you don’t dwell - there are some completely batty threads on here tonight to keep you entertained!

Thank you for your kindness

As you said it can be abuse or overwhelmed, my interpretation given this is how he handles every conflict is it is abusive and controlling.

When you deal with conflict like a child giving the silent treatment and threatening to break up even when she has owned her fault and apologized yes it is abuse and control. It makes his partner walk on egg shells around him and trying to find ways to pander and pacify him rather than handle things like an adult mature couple.

"The “silent treatment” is when a person refuses to communicate with someone because they are angry or upset. It can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse.

The silent treatment may be abusive if one person uses it to control and manipulate the other. For example, a person may use the silent treatment to withhold love or affection until a person does what they want."

He needs to grow up and find ways to discuss issues and reach an agreement or compromise with his partner not throw a strop like a petulant child.

"OP fwiw it sounds like he doesn’t have a great emotional toolkit at the very least and that is a problem, especially if he doesn’t recognise it."

Because he doesn't recognize it doesn't mean it isn't abuse, it's still abuse. So as I said she needs to have a serious conversation with him about how they handle conflict going forward and if he is unable to own his issues and make changes she needs to walk away. Recognizing he doesn't have to toolkit means he has to work to gain it not that OP needs to accept it and deal with his abusive behaviour.

That’s your first response? Did you read the OP?

OP how did you expect him to feel?! Maybe learn to actually think before the words leave your mouth.

Edit to say I can see you’re sorry for what you said OP, hope the great advice you got from Arlanymor helps.

Perfectly put.

You knew what you were doing OP. Youve definitely said things like this before. It comes across as racist OP!

You've even said he misundesrand things. It's so rude! I'd ignore you as well.

I am not racist and I take great offence to that. You don’t know me, how can you say I have definitely said things like that before. No need for this comment. I have taken onboard everyone’s else’s and respect their views but not this one.

Op, do you think you have repressed rage towards him and that's why you humiliated him? Once you do this, you lose. Better to own the hurt.

@Tracey555 I said it comes across that way.... I didn't say you actually was. I know you must regret saying it but I sometimes think people don't even realise they are being racist.

If you were foreign and someone was mocking your accent I don't think you would find it funny.

Jeez why are you all making shit up, same as @Sweetlikecocaa claiming she's racist etc.

It was just a silly comment and you've all extrapolated and made all these random assumptions about how she must be racist and she must be xenophobic and she must have repressed rags jeez.

This tbh.

@Ilovelifeverymuch

It's not really that normal to purposefully humiliate someone you love in public.

No and as she acknowledged it was a silly statement that she made without thinking and regrets and has apologized, calling her racist and xenophobic and saying she has regressed feelings is just ridiculously reaching.

And the fact remains that her partner has bigger issues with the way he handles conflict, yes this time she was wrong and has apologized but this is the yay he handles every conflict and it's unhealthy and abusive.

We’re never short of those!

OP, I understand that awful fear and panic that makes you feel you have to deal with things immediately. It can make you act impulsively by trying to force an issue that needs time and contemplation. Try to learn to be patient and kind with yourself and others.

Too true!

Totally agree as well. Sage words.

No I do not have repressed rage

i think you have not chosen a good example to ask for opinions on as your comment is hurtful.
But I think you are selling yourself short in this relationship if what is happening is that you are off over the summer and your afternoons are spent in a pub with this man and his friends. Is this really how you want to spend your time? What do you both do which is nice, as a couple, just you, which you enjoy?
Also, if you cannot discuss issues and it descends into silent treatment, then I don’t see how you can be true to yourself because you are always scared of rejection and the silent treatment.

I understand posters saying he may be hurt and need space, but the mature conversation is for him to express that he does need space to process things and that he will be in touch when he has. Every argument should not have you thinking that the relationship is over. It should be a way for you to move forward in a way which suits you both better.

@Ilovelifeverymuch I would argue that if you do that to someone you love 'without thinking' there's already quite a big fracture in the relationship. So I'm interested in what's gone on before this 'silly comment'

Stop wasting your time responding to posts like that, they intentionally ignore your true questions and keep making things up in their head and throwing accusations

To be fair to OP her thread title was fairly strong - she said ‘my disrespect’ - she never termed it silly or tried to diminish it.

Yes you are right. A very bad example indeed, and I feel dreadful for what I said, he hasn’t much money so not been able to do much. But I do have plans in the last few weeks with my friends.

I am anxious now as I daren’t message tonight as he will be cold With me, and I probably won’t hear from him tomorrow.