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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

134 replies

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 18:41

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/08/2025 08:56

He's an ex for that very reason.

Comment aside, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway, so best for both of you to move on and find people you'll respect/be respected by.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 09:52

So I am at his now as he has his daughter and the plan was me to go today, I was unsure what to do, so I asked first, he said yes. But since I’ve been here he is cleaning downstairs, says he is very busy and ignoring me, I’m sat upstairs with his daughter, feeling worse than ever.

OP posts:
CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 09:59

Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 09:52

So I am at his now as he has his daughter and the plan was me to go today, I was unsure what to do, so I asked first, he said yes. But since I’ve been here he is cleaning downstairs, says he is very busy and ignoring me, I’m sat upstairs with his daughter, feeling worse than ever.

So why did you contact him and go over? Why are you so anxious to stay in a relationship that doesn’t seem particularly happy, where the communication is poor? Just go home and get on with your life.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:02

CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 09:59

So why did you contact him and go over? Why are you so anxious to stay in a relationship that doesn’t seem particularly happy, where the communication is poor? Just go home and get on with your life.

Show quote history

Because we are happy when we don’t fall out and we had arranged this today, yes I’m stupid I know, and he could of said no but he said yes, so didn’t expect silent treatment when I got here.,

OP posts:
CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 10:10

Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:02

Because we are happy when we don’t fall out and we had arranged this today, yes I’m stupid I know, and he could of said no but he said yes, so didn’t expect silent treatment when I got here.,

Show quote history

But from what you say, this is a long-lived pattern, in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and in which the communication and conflict resolution is poor. You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour, only your own. Why not change the pattern? You’d already apologised. Just go home and don’t contact him. Give it some space.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:12

CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 10:10

But from what you say, this is a long-lived pattern, in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and in which the communication and conflict resolution is poor. You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour, only your own. Why not change the pattern? You’d already apologised. Just go home and don’t contact him. Give it some space.

Show quote history

If I don’t contact him it will go on for weeks, he is that stubborn.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 08/08/2025 10:23

So you're over there providing free childcare?

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:26

Eddielizzard · 08/08/2025 10:23

So you're over there providing free childcare?

Well I’m sat upstairs with her yes, but don’t think it would be much different if I wasn’t there. He is definitely ignoring me, not looking at me that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 08/08/2025 10:29

What's stopping you from leaving?

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:31

Eddielizzard · 08/08/2025 10:29

What's stopping you from leaving?

Nothing I guess

OP posts:
CowHeronCow · 08/08/2025 10:31

Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:12

If I don’t contact him it will go on for weeks, he is that stubborn.

Show quote history

But bluntly, so what? If the relationship only exists because you crumble and contact him first to placate him, all it tells him is that your have poor self-esteem, low boundaries and need him far more than he needs you. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Go home, and get on with your own life. If he never contacts you again, you’ll know where you are and at least won’t waste three more years in a relationship that doesn’t sound as if it’s making either of you happy.

VisitationRights · 08/08/2025 10:38

I don’t think you should apologise again, you have done it sincerely already and he is still ignoring you as you sit with his daughter. The atmosphere isn’t good for you or her so I suggest you leave them to their day together.

You have to think about what is good in your relationship and whether is comes at the expense of you burying yourself to get along. If there is still good there the. You need to think about the bad parts and if there is a reasonable expectation that you both can change the negative way you deal with conflict. Don’t stay in a toxic relationship, it is soul destroying.

TalulaHalulah · 08/08/2025 10:55

Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:31

Nothing I guess

Show quote history

There are two choices here

If you like the daughter, take her out and do something nice the both of you and then tell him it’s over when you get back

Walk out the door (because after all, the daughter is not your responsibility).

You have no obligation to this man and you deserve better. What he is teaching his DD (as are you by meekly sitting upstairs) is that women must be kept in their place by men’s moods. His DD also deserves better. Just leave the man one way or another.

cordelia16 · 08/08/2025 11:02

OP, you need to leave (both his place now and the relationship). This relationship is not a good one. What you said wasn't great (but not the worst I've ever heard) and you've apologised. He is milking this because he knows how anxious it's making you. I dated a guy like that and my self-esteem got crushed as a result. But I hung in there thinking if only I'm ... then he'll be happy. This guy won't be happy. And by being the one to "cave" and contact him, you've been giving him permission to treat you this way. Please get out.

BellissimoGecko · 08/08/2025 11:16

I think people are being really unfair here.

You said one ill-advised thing to him. You have apologised.

But he has a pattern of abusive unhelpful behaviour after you argue. Him ignoring you now is abusive. And immature, and childish, and a sign that he’s emotionally unaware.

I’d leave his house right now. He’s trying to punish you with the silent treatment. It’s abusive.

Then have a good think about how happy you are in the relationship, and what you get out of it. Do you want to stay with him? Why?

You might want to do the Freedom Programme?

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 11:20

BellissimoGecko · 08/08/2025 11:16

I think people are being really unfair here.

You said one ill-advised thing to him. You have apologised.

But he has a pattern of abusive unhelpful behaviour after you argue. Him ignoring you now is abusive. And immature, and childish, and a sign that he’s emotionally unaware.

I’d leave his house right now. He’s trying to punish you with the silent treatment. It’s abusive.

Then have a good think about how happy you are in the relationship, and what you get out of it. Do you want to stay with him? Why?

You might want to do the Freedom Programme?

Thank you. What is the Freedom Programme?

OP posts:
blubberball · 08/08/2025 11:34

This sounds toxic and disrespectful all round. You don't need to be treated this way, and you obviously don't respect him any way. Every one in this situation deserves better. Walk away

Original poster
Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 11:43

blubberball · 08/08/2025 11:34

This sounds toxic and disrespectful all round. You don't need to be treated this way, and you obviously don't respect him any way. Every one in this situation deserves better. Walk away

I do respect him. It was one comment you are judging me on

OP posts:
ClickClickety · 08/08/2025 12:16

Leave and don't go back. This relationship is making you miserable.

anytipswelcome · 08/08/2025 12:21

OP hes using you to look after his child while actively ignoring you. It’s madness that you’re going along with this! It’s unfair for you, very unhealthy for his child to be witnessing and a clear sign this relationship is so toxic it’s foolish to continue seeing him.

You said if you hadn’t made the first move after he started the silent treatment, it would have gone on for weeks.

Why do you want to be in such an unhealthy relationship, regardless of the rights and wrongs of each individual fall out?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/08/2025 12:36

Tracey555 · 08/08/2025 10:12

If I don’t contact him it will go on for weeks, he is that stubborn.

Show quote history

And that stubbornness is used to control you and you end up running after him apologizing over and over again and pandering to him.

You need to decide if that's worth the price of the happy times with him or not, I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. As I said in my previous post you need to have a sit down discussion with him about how he reacts when he is upset, how it affects you and how it is wrong and unhealthy for your relationship and if he is unwilling to accept and do something about it you should walk away.

Couples counselling is an option if he is willing to help you both develop healthier ways to communicate and handle conflict but he has to recognize what he is doing wrong and be willing to change if not there isn't any chance.

He continues to act like a spoilt petulant child while you look after his daughter upstairs, can you imagine how bad things will get when you start living together? Trying to stay out of his way for days on end while he stomps about like a child for weeks until you beg him and make the first move?

JanefromLondon1 · 08/08/2025 13:20

What you said wasn’t ok but it’s not bad enough for him to have that sort of response. He knows you care about him so should know you weren’t being malicious. Your apology should have sufficed and he should have moved on.

The fact that he hasn’t is his issue and down to him not being mature enough to move past conflict in an adult manner.

red flag and dump him IMO. (Sorry haven’t read full thread as am waiting for someone to join Teams call and filling time).

Spinmerightroundbaby · 08/08/2025 18:35

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 18:41

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

dump him. He’s a PITA.

Blablibladirladada · 08/08/2025 19:25

So you do all the work and he gets not to do any?

yeap, that is bad, go. He isn’t into you.

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