Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

[Tracey555]

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a dick. The silent treatment is abusive and it sounds like it's what he does all the time, any time you step out of line.

Your comment was unkind, yes, and maybe you didn't give him time to process his feelings about it. But you don't have to be a perfect person - no one is. And in a healthy relationship, your partner would let you know he's hurt and either talk about it with you and give you a chance to make amends, or let you know that it's not okay with him and end the relationship. If he needed space to sort his head out, he would be able to let you know that, too.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you don't feel this kind of anxiety and stress all the time and the terror that you'll be rejected. You don't feel you're being ignored or threatened by your partner. This really doesn't sound good, OP. Maybe this is a good opportunity to break free. I don't see this getting better. In reality, what does he actually have to offer you?

This time, it was your fault, although unintentionally, you singled him out, embarrassing him, like he's some laughing idiot that has no idea of what is happening.

I used to do this. I was brought up in a family that takes the piss at any opportunity. Basically, if it gets a laugh then it’s fair game. My husband, understandably, didn’t see it like that and just thought I was being mean.

Now I’m probably going to get some sh1t for this but I was advised to read a book called “the empowered wife”. I don’t follow it to the letter (the chapter about money I skip right over!) but it’s really helped. The main message is that men need respect like they need air.

Don’t message tonight, as we’ve said. He needs space. You need to reset this urge to communicate with him because you’re scared of what silence means. I would honestly leave it 24 hours from the time you left the house and then message with an apology, stating that you have taken time to think things over and you are very genuinely sorry that it happened. But please leave it for tonight if you really do want to break this cycle that the pair of you have got into.

Yes it happens every time we fall out, and I’m left not knowing what to do..he doesn’t drive, so it will have to be me who makes the first move, one way or the other.

I won’t message tonight, and I know he won’t.

I don't see the comment as anything more than a mild observation if someone had said it to me..I'd have said yeah I know all about o levels or I know laughing is infectious I haven't got a clue and laughed. All over. Choosing to seethe and silent treatment is just an attempt to control...the very opposite of an open comment that can be challenged and incredibly unloving and unhealthy. Don't be too hard on yourself OP 💐 dont let it ruin a moment of this precious life 💐

You can only focus on your actions and reactions. Not his. You’ll go into a doom spiral otherwise. Distract yourself for now. Tomorrow is another day and if you message them and he’s cold then you can decide if that’s acceptable to you or not.

Not really, are you saying you've never said anything to upset your spouse before???

If this was a regular occurrence then yes I would agree with you but for a one off silly comment no I don't agree. The important thing is she owned it, apologized and regrets it.

And I am back of Nigerian heritage albeit born in the UK and whilst her comment was wrong and upsetting I don't see it as racist or xenophobic unless it's something she does every time with malicious intent.

I know what she is talking about when she said he doesn't understand what was said and I've had it eg with my cousin who visited from Nigeria (this was a long time ago) and couldn't understand some Brits or get the jokes due to lack of local knowledge but laughing just to keep carry on and I teased him that I know you didn't get the joke and we laughed. Yes I didn't say it in front of people which she did but she has owned it and apologized.

Her question is about how he deals with the aftermath of conflict not going on and on about how she is racist and this and that.

Thank you

So, he doesn't drive, doesn't have any money, spends all his days drinking, treats you like shit, threatens to leave you anytime you have a minor disagreement, and will never make the first move to fix things.

He sounds horrible OP. Why are you wasting your time with him? Just let him go. I guarantee you that if you were to dump him now he would try to get you back. But why would you want him? Seriously, what do you like about him?

Sulking is a method of controlling you so that you won't provoke that reaction again. Next time you'll think twice. This isn't good.

Yes, you misjudged a comment which you've apologised for. You're anxious anticipating his reaction, and that's very telling.

So what are all the other arguments about?

Lots of stuff tbh…but nothing like this. Sometimes silly stuff, but other times more serious stuff

I found that when you point your finger at someone, there’s always three pointing back at you. I learned that I could never change anyone else, only myself and my reactions. Things got a lot easier after that.

my heart would drop if someone did that to me

@Ilovelifeverymuch Well we can't ask him why he's a sulking dick can we because he's not here ?
There's already conflict here, they are just 2 different ways of dealing with it. One is silent treatment, (acting in) the other is humiliating him (acting out)

What you said was really, really horrible and I think unless you have been in a situation where you have felt pressure to fit in despite not really fitting in you can't even begin to imagine how nasty your comment was. It actually sounds racist.

Having said that his reaction to disagreements in general doesn't sound great. Actually it sounds toxic.

And you sound just not very nice. Neither of you sound mature, kind or considerate enough to be in a relationship.

I couldn't be with a sulking partner again.
I understand that is their way of dealing with things.
If you want to stay with him, ignore this sulking, don't contact him after a row, let him stew until he is ready to talk.

So, lots of arguments, his preferred method of resolving them is the silent treatment, and he is a habitual drinker?

Can you explain - not on MN necessarily but to yourself - why you have chosen this man to be your ….. what exactly? What is the point of him, what does he add to your life, and where do you see this relationship heading?

So, lots of arguments, his preferred method of resolving them is the silent treatment, and he is a habitual drinker?

Can you explain - not on MN necessarily but to yourself - why you have chosen this man to be your ….. what exactly? What is the point of him, what does he add to your life, and where do you see this relationship heading?

So, lots of arguments, his preferred method of resolving them is the silent treatment, and he is a habitual drinker?

Can you explain - not on MN necessarily but to yourself - why you have chosen this man to be your ….. what exactly? What is the point of him, what does he add to your life, and where do you see this relationship heading?

No, I meant it is a bad example because posters are picking up on your comment rather that what you are asking about which is his response when you argue. Your question was not whether the argument was justified, it was about the pattern of his behaviour following the argument. And you are saying it is a pattern which is what makes it problematic.

I am agreeing with the posters who are saying the silent treatment is not fair on you. He could easily say that he needs space and he will be in touch, and in a healthy relationship, you would both just take a day or two and then clear the air in a chat.

He’s got enough money to drink, clearly. Walks, a coffee, going to a museum or exhibition don’t cost much. He could make more effort here, rather than expecting you to sit in a pub with him and his friends.

I am glad you have plans with friends, focus on them and don’t beat yourself up about this comment.

I've had a boyfriend like you OP,

No harm meant,
Didn't mean it,
Came out the wrong way,
I'm not like that etc etc.

You buried your comment in the post and asked about the relationship being toxic, it took being called out to focus on your mean comment.

Guessing he goes to the pub without you sometimes but you wouldn't be with these men without him?

We're you feeling left out and wanted to out him in his place?

Never an excuse to be rude, and such comments don't come from nowhere.

You're either that sort of person or you're not.

No I am not that person, I have never done that before. Ever. Think what you like, I’m sorry you have been through that and I hope your boyfriend felt as crap as I do this morning.