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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what this marriage will look like in 10 years?

99 replies

YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:16

I'm looking for other people's perspectives here. Perhaps neither of us are unreasonable, and this is just how the land lies.

My DH is early 40s, I am late 30s. We live a pretty comfortable lifestyle with our three teen children (13, 16, 18).

We get along very well. Our sense of humour is on the same wavelength, we enjoy each other's company, we are aligned in terms of moral values.

As he gets older, he has become more vocal about the things he does 'for me' and in verbalising that he wouldn't do them if not for me. He doesn't really enjoy going out for dinner unless we can drive there and back. He does not enjoy public spaces much, and so events lile the theatre, seeing comedians, going to museums are not what he would like to spend his time doing. He has also verbalised that he doesn't really 'get' holidays and doesn't enjoy them lots, but he does it "for us".

This makes me feel bad, because I feel like he is making sacrifices of his time and happiness to appease me. It also makes me less likely to plan things, because I feel like I'm being selfish planning a holiday or trip when I now know he wont enjoy it.

But I love to travel. I love being sociable. I really enjoy spontaneous days out and wandering about cities (all the things he doesn't, basically).

We have not fallen out about this. But I am becoming more and more aware of this l, and wondering what will actually keep us together as a couple as our children inevitably home. Is it a fulfilling marriage without many (any?!) shared experiences?

If it is relevant ( he says it is), the reason he dislikes theatre/concerts/comedians/flights/ etc is because he is tall. He is 6ft5 and very broad. He thinks the world is literally not built for men of his size and he feels uncomfortable. I do believe this is true to am extent, but also, he's 42. He cannot surely just plan to do nothing and go nowhere for the rest of his life?!

AIBU to expect a marriage where we do stuff and go places?? Or AIBU to ask him to put aside his discomfort and preferences for an antisocial life in order to keep doing things together?

All perspectives welcome.

OP posts:
Radiatorvalves · 07/08/2025 14:23

That would concern me. Perhaps some honest conversations? Maybe couples therapy?

I’m short but DH and sons are just over 6”. There’s a bit of whinging about uncomfy seats on flight or on the odd theatre trip, but nothing that indicates they’d rather not go. Some theatres have more space than others. Certainly our local cinema has loads of leg room.

Tge fact he doesn’t like going out for dinner indicates this isn’t just about height.

What does he want to do? What does he say he likes doing? If it’s “nothing” it’s difficult to see how there’s a long term happy outcome.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2025 14:24

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable really, but this is where I think it’s important that you have other people in your lives, friends, family etc because it’s not realistic to expect one person to meet every one of your needs forever.

My husband likes going to comedy shows, I don’t, he does that with friends and that’s great.

I love going to the theatre, my husband doesn’t, I do that with my friends.

We both love hiking so we do that together.

You don’t have to do everything together, I personally wouldn’t want to drag someone along to something they wouldn’t enjoy so you just have separate interests & then things you do together.

Fragmentedbrain · 07/08/2025 14:26

Did he pretend to like this stuff when you first met/got married?

I think it is hard to find a partner who is everything (sexually compatible, practically reliable, into the same things and with a complimentary introversion/extroversion mix). Most people make compromises on something.

If you otherwise are a good fit then agree with pp that friends and family can be the people you do things with instead.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/08/2025 14:28

So what do you do ‘for him’ ?

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 14:30

What does he want to do with his time? Do you think he is depressed, or is he perfectly happy and just doesn't enjoy the things you mention? Is he holding it over your head? I don't think there is anything inherently problematic with him not liking the theatre but going with you sometimes for your sake, but if he is going to go on about it that is quite miserable.

CathyJaneBill · 07/08/2025 14:35

DH and I are in our 50s and have this same issue now with the roles reversed.

Largely we lead separate lives. He goes out and has fun with the kids and his friends and family and I stay at home. I am happy with this but he is increasingly frustrated. Basically what is the point of being married if he never really does anything with his wife? I’m more like an elusive roommate.

Sex is also key here. Our sex life has ended so there really is not much to our marriage anymore except convenience and easy comfort.

You may find yourself asking why you are together if you don’t get anything from the marriage

Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:35

Radiatorvalves · 07/08/2025 14:23

That would concern me. Perhaps some honest conversations? Maybe couples therapy?

I’m short but DH and sons are just over 6”. There’s a bit of whinging about uncomfy seats on flight or on the odd theatre trip, but nothing that indicates they’d rather not go. Some theatres have more space than others. Certainly our local cinema has loads of leg room.

Tge fact he doesn’t like going out for dinner indicates this isn’t just about height.

What does he want to do? What does he say he likes doing? If it’s “nothing” it’s difficult to see how there’s a long term happy outcome.

Edited

He does like going to the cinema, and cites the comfier recliner chairs as a reason.

The dinner thing is weird. We actually went out last night (which was the catalyst for this post, I suppose). We went for a drink in an busy, open outdoor venue and he did not enjoy "all the people". We went to find somewhere for dinner and the first place sat us at a very small table. He was visibly quite uncomfortable and we actually left and went elsewhere. He did enjoy the meal we eventually went for, and he said so. Afterwards I had booked a comedian and the chairs were v close together. He was really miserable. He said the level of discomfort ruined the experience and meant he couldn't relax and enjoy it. This was obvious and then hampered my enjoyment too. The obvious takeaway is to do these kind of activities with someone else, like a friend, who DOES want to be there.

He would LOVE it if we ordered in food and watched a comedian on a Netflix special. He's not averse to spending time with me at all. He just doesn't want to go out. He also really hates buses and public transport, so often will approach a suggestion from the perspective of "can I park there?"

I feel like he's aging before his time!!

OP posts:
Safxxx · 07/08/2025 14:37

Compromise on some things you all can do together or as couples.......any extras you can enjoy with your friends or family.
Don't feel you're being selfish for asking him for his time ....time spent together is important but you will.just have to prioritise what it is.
He seems reasonable as even though he dislikes it he still makes the effort for you and the kids....most men don't care

KateMiskin · 07/08/2025 14:37

I'd go mad with boredom and I also can't be attracted to a man who never wants to do anything.

Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:39

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/08/2025 14:28

So what do you do ‘for him’ ?

I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean that he's making sacrifices for me and wondering what he gets in return?

The biggest one is golf, I suppose. He plays three times a week and has a membership which is not cheap. I don't grudge him this time at all.

I guess that I'm realising I need to just do things with other people. I don't want to drag him to things he doesn't enjoy. Which means I'll go on holiday with my friends and socialise with them, and do activities with other people. It just seems....distant, maybe?

OP posts:
overwork · 07/08/2025 14:40

Hmm. Well he can feel how he feels I suppose and no one can say it’s right or wrong. But he would bore me to tears. For what it’s worth, he sounds the same build and height as my partner and he’s a really social cat - though he does also say that he’s a tall man in a small man’s world, it certainly doesn’t stop him enjoying all that life has to offer!

Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:41

Fragmentedbrain · 07/08/2025 14:26

Did he pretend to like this stuff when you first met/got married?

I think it is hard to find a partner who is everything (sexually compatible, practically reliable, into the same things and with a complimentary introversion/extroversion mix). Most people make compromises on something.

If you otherwise are a good fit then agree with pp that friends and family can be the people you do things with instead.

He is very practically reliable. He is an excellent father and more than pulls his weight around the house. If anything he does more than me.

He is also professionally driven and quite ambitious. I also find that attractive.

It is literally this one aspect of our lives.

On reflection, the holiday thing gets me more than the going out element. The idea of only ever going on holiday with friends and never with him makes me really sad.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:42

He'd bore me rigid, OP. What's your life going to be like when the kids leave home? I'd say it would be housebound, or you doing things with your friends.

Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:45

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:42

He'd bore me rigid, OP. What's your life going to be like when the kids leave home? I'd say it would be housebound, or you doing things with your friends.

This is kind of what I'm wondering. I see a future where I'm off doing things and having adventures with other people, and coming home to him at night. Will the gap become wider when we no longer have the shared day to day of the kids?

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 07/08/2025 14:45

I do a lot of solo holidays btw. And a lot of things alone or with friends. We are in our 50s and not in each other's pockets. I am going for a play tomorrow alone.

But I don't want to do everything alone.

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:46

He sounds like that TV programme Grumpy Old Men. I was thinking that anyone sitting behind him at an event would have a lot better reason to complain than he does!

Anonymouseposter · 07/08/2025 14:48

It sounds like there are still quite a lot of positives in your relationship. You could do some things with friends and perhaps compromise over holidays? Only you can decide if you would be better off without him altogether and would be likely to meet someone else who you get on with just as well but also enjoys the same activities as you.

Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:49

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/08/2025 14:46

He sounds like that TV programme Grumpy Old Men. I was thinking that anyone sitting behind him at an event would have a lot better reason to complain than he does!

This is interesting because part of his discomfort is actually an awareness of how he is impacting other people.

He took our child to a huge concert last year (his first ever. At 40) and was acutely aware that people had paid £100s to stand behind him. He feels very much like his size impacts other people around him and feels guilty. He has refused to come to school awards ceremonies for this reason - if we're sat in the middle people behind him can't see their kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:50

Anonymouseposter · 07/08/2025 14:48

It sounds like there are still quite a lot of positives in your relationship. You could do some things with friends and perhaps compromise over holidays? Only you can decide if you would be better off without him altogether and would be likely to meet someone else who you get on with just as well but also enjoys the same activities as you.

This is a very helpful post, thank you.

It is helping me see that the alternatives are probably far worse. Being alone would mean I miss out on all the positives he brings to my life. Starting with someone else... would they enhance my life in as many ways as he currently does? Probably not. He is a very good man.

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 07/08/2025 14:51

YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:49

This is interesting because part of his discomfort is actually an awareness of how he is impacting other people.

He took our child to a huge concert last year (his first ever. At 40) and was acutely aware that people had paid £100s to stand behind him. He feels very much like his size impacts other people around him and feels guilty. He has refused to come to school awards ceremonies for this reason - if we're sat in the middle people behind him can't see their kids.

Show quote history

What's his excuse for not wanting to go on holiday?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/08/2025 14:52

We all come to a standstill in relationships, especially when the DC are growing up fast.
Overall your relationships sounds positive, find a few fun like minded friends.
Meet in the middle with DH.
He cannot completely check out of your interests.

LuckyNumberFive · 07/08/2025 14:53

I think you're being unfair saying he's ageing before his time. It sounds like socially you aren't compatible, that's all. You like these things and he doesn't, that doesn't make him boring, it makes him different to you.

I'm happy going out for dinners and to the cinema, I don't enjoy going out for a drink, I don't really enjoy busy crowded places, I cba with the theatre unless it's something I really want to see.

Instead my partner and I (he's similar) spend our evenings reading in the living room together (not the same book obviously 😂), we cook together, go out for dinner, evening walks, just sit and talk over a glass of wine. Weekends we'll go camping, fishing together, lots of countryside walks, out for lunch, cooking classes, shopping, wine tasting, watch films.. not a lot of what we do happens in busy places. Other than the odd concert.

BreakingBroken · 07/08/2025 14:54

I’m wondering if he’s starting to feel aches and pains?
Dh’s 6’3” and yes seating is an issue but tolerable most of the time, stands vs sitting if chairs unsuitable.
We do stuff alone, with friends and family and occasionally for each other. Book plane seats in the rows with extra leg room.

Calypsocuckoo · 07/08/2025 14:55

I can see both points of view really but your view of what you can do is quite narrow, what about other things you could do together? If he doesn’t want to fly, what about uk holidays in a caravan or motor home, what about road trips to rural areas as well as cities. Does he like shopping together, home decor- planning and carrying it out, going to national trust properties and going round gardens or historical sites ? Going for walks or hikes or visiting a castle or a museum or art gallery. His height or comfort wouldn’t impact on these. If he says no to all of these and doesn’t have his own suggestions then yes, maybe he is turning into a boring old man, but cinema and theatre aren’t the only things to do.
I hate stuff like that but my DH and I like doing up our house, decluttering and organisation to help the house run smoothly, we like planning our decorating, and planning changes to the garden and then carrying out our plans. He likes to bbq and cook outside so we sit in our garden and eat at home and enjoy our work.
he is trying to get me to join his gym but I am Meh abut that. I would have a go at golf but he isn’t into it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/08/2025 14:55

YouBelongWithMe · 07/08/2025 14:45

This is kind of what I'm wondering. I see a future where I'm off doing things and having adventures with other people, and coming home to him at night. Will the gap become wider when we no longer have the shared day to day of the kids?

Show quote history

Probably, it's not a reason to stop enjoying life.