To wonder what this marriage will look like in 10 years?

[YouBelongWithMe]

I'm looking for other people's perspectives here. Perhaps neither of us are unreasonable, and this is just how the land lies.

My DH is early 40s, I am late 30s. We live a pretty comfortable lifestyle with our three teen children (13, 16, 18).

We get along very well. Our sense of humour is on the same wavelength, we enjoy each other's company, we are aligned in terms of moral values.

As he gets older, he has become more vocal about the things he does 'for me' and in verbalising that he wouldn't do them if not for me. He doesn't really enjoy going out for dinner unless we can drive there and back. He does not enjoy public spaces much, and so events lile the theatre, seeing comedians, going to museums are not what he would like to spend his time doing. He has also verbalised that he doesn't really 'get' holidays and doesn't enjoy them lots, but he does it "for us".

This makes me feel bad, because I feel like he is making sacrifices of his time and happiness to appease me. It also makes me less likely to plan things, because I feel like I'm being selfish planning a holiday or trip when I now know he wont enjoy it.

But I love to travel. I love being sociable. I really enjoy spontaneous days out and wandering about cities (all the things he doesn't, basically).

We have not fallen out about this. But I am becoming more and more aware of this l, and wondering what will actually keep us together as a couple as our children inevitably home. Is it a fulfilling marriage without many (any?!) shared experiences?

If it is relevant ( he says it is), the reason he dislikes theatre/concerts/comedians/flights/ etc is because he is tall. He is 6ft5 and very broad. He thinks the world is literally not built for men of his size and he feels uncomfortable. I do believe this is true to am extent, but also, he's 42. He cannot surely just plan to do nothing and go nowhere for the rest of his life?!

AIBU to expect a marriage where we do stuff and go places?? Or AIBU to ask him to put aside his discomfort and preferences for an antisocial life in order to keep doing things together?

All perspectives welcome.

Is the holiday thing about the leg room? Could you go on less holidays but pay more for better seats? What about cruises?

Ive got to be honest, when you feel like the world isnt built for you, it is really uncomfortable and sometimes people get fed up of compromising their comfort after a certain age. Some things, like a mediocre meal out, are not worth it.

6’5 is not just tall. I think posters have to imagine having to bend at every door. Scrunching in every seat. Its horrible.

your relationships sounds lovely otherwise. Do some things with friends.

You seem to do a lot of fun things together but as OP said, her DH doesn't even want to go out for dinner.

Could you work really hard together on compromises. I'm thinking as an example of going to a lovely place on holiday where he can play golf and you can visit the sort of attractions you enjoy. If you book a lovely big apartment or cottage with a garden where he can sprawl out, feel comfortable and you can meet up together in the evening, have drinks on the terrace, get a meal delivered.

It sounds like you have an awful lot of good going on and that between you there's a really happy medium.

Is this because his height/size makes him socially anxious/self conscious?

1. He doesn't actually understand the appeal. He doesn't really have an interest in sight-seeing (I do) and has no desire to seek out 'bucket list' activities or sights.

1. The squashed flight

1. We tend to fly to a destination, then hire a car and travel a bit a bit. I suppose the packing up and driving five hours and unpacking is not relaxing. BUT. He also finds destination, all-inclusive type deals boring.

1. He thinks for the money, it's not worth it.

1. He likes being at home more

Re holidays there is always a compromise to be found. It doesn't have to be that you never go together.
Few days doing x and few days y. That's how we do it so we both get what we want/need from time off.

Are you able to find something to do together outside? Since he is not comfortable inside?

Trip to Netherlands where he may not be such a giant? I know short people who hate doing stuff because of their height view ruined/can't reach x etc. It's hard not being average tbh

DH goes to gigs with DC1, 2 and 3. I don't have the energy for that anymore due to health reasons.

We like some things the same, some things different. Been together 20 years, married 18. 4 DC 18, 15, 9 and 7.

He literally wants to do none of that. We live by the beach and I walk our dog there everyday. He stays at home. He hates shopping, doesn't like old buildings etc. i would love to do all these things. I guess I am a busy bee and enjoy always having something on. This morning I met a friend for a walk around a castle and gardens - it definitely doesn't have to be hustle and bustle. I would take a coffee and a dog walk and be very content (well, if we think about the holiday issue).

Why go AI? Why drive 5 hours? Why do a bucket list?

Why not a hike or a walk to a NT place as people suggested or to a golf spot? A compromise.

I actually approached the cruise idea this week. He doesn't want to see any of the destinations...

I think it's fair enough to have different ways of wanting to spend your time. I don't want to go on holiday either - I hate crowds, noise, airports, flying, coach travel etc. I don't want to spend that kind of money for an experience I will mostly not enjoy. I also have CFS and don't want to exhaust myself by doing things that are too much for me.

DH is older now and also a big bloke. He spent his working life doing something physical and has issues now with a crumbling spine and arthritis in his knees and ankles. He would find it physically impossible to sit in a small cinema seat or go to the theatre without basically spending the entire evening in considerable pain. I absolutely understand why someone would not wish to do this.

In your position I'd do the things I enjoyed on my own or with friends and spend time with your DH getting a takeway, watching a film or whatever he enjoys.

I just saw your update that you live by the sea and he cba to walk the dog.
I give up! Surely he can't be too tall to walk on a beach.

At the moment our holidays are mostly family holidays. It's a balancing act to make sure there are things for them to do too.

He doesn't see the point in both of us going. For me, it's an opportunity to meander, spend spme time together, get a coffee and chat. He approaches it much more functionally and would rather get it over with.

My husband would prefer not to do all of those things although he will often compromise for me. I think he’s what you’d call a highly sensitive person - not sensitive in the traditional sense, but sensitive in that he’s really attuned to the sights and sounds around us, and the feelings of other people. It’s like his dial is switched up higher than mine! It exhausts him. I don’t take half as much of that stuff in and love being out and about and with others.

May be worth looking up and seeing if he feels that fits him?

Ah, just seen the update too. No, if he cba to walk the dog that doesn’t sound similar to my husband.

DH like doing different things but my goodness, that opportunity to walk together and discuss our day and dreams has been fundamental to our happiness.

You and he are very different aren't you OP.

Yes, this wouldn't work for me. Being a good man wouldn't be enough. Life is too short to sit inside and watch TV, speaking only for myself.

We have adult DC and I can tell you once the kids grow up, you need something else to talk about, explore, discover. There's a whole world out there!

He does walk the dog! He actually loves taking the dog out. They have their own route and sometimes he's quite annoyed when I take her out first and spoil his plans. He just doesn't want to walk TOGETHER.

But they can do other things instead of go out for dinner if necessary. It's not dinner or nothing at all.

So he doesn't want to spend time with you or the kids except at home? Is that right? Except for golf?
I'd suggest you take up golf but it's quite time consuming if you are not keen.

Isn't the compromise to do these things but book suitable seats. Extra legroom on a flight is normally pretty easy to sort. Theatre, find out where is best to sit at your local, front row of the balcony or circle perhaps or the row where they place wheelchairs, or an aisle seat. Cinema find a small independent that has "special seats" that give extra room or one if those where you can book a table and have dinner.

Not sure what his issue is with museums, I can't see how being tall is a problem, being short can mean using the kids display but tall is fine.

Go to standing concerts, and he can feel smug about being anle to see as well as the girl on her boyfriend's shoulders.

Most outdoor concerts, outdoor theatre and outdoor cinema allow you to take your own chair or blanket to sit on and arrange your stuff so people can't take up too much of his legroom.

Just read the updates, so the issue isn't that he doesn't enjoy your social preferences, it's that he doesn't want to do anything at all. That's very different as there's no compromise to be had there. I'd be concerned, an unhappy empty nest isn't what anyone wants. Time for an honest chat with him.

Yes, that about sums it up. He will go to the cinema too.

He initiates board games with usas a family, plays video games with the kids, plays musical instruments with one of them, will encourage me to watch TV series with him. Very, very interactive...in the house.

It sounds crap @YouBelongWithMe DH and I love planning things and adding them to our kitchen calendar. It’s always lovely to have things to look forward to. He’s 6’3’’ so things like theatres/plane seats etc can be a bit squeezy but the difference is, he wants to go. It looks like your DH just doesn’t want to go.