To wonder what this marriage will look like in 10 years?

[YouBelongWithMe]

I'm looking for other people's perspectives here. Perhaps neither of us are unreasonable, and this is just how the land lies.

My DH is early 40s, I am late 30s. We live a pretty comfortable lifestyle with our three teen children (13, 16, 18).

We get along very well. Our sense of humour is on the same wavelength, we enjoy each other's company, we are aligned in terms of moral values.

As he gets older, he has become more vocal about the things he does 'for me' and in verbalising that he wouldn't do them if not for me. He doesn't really enjoy going out for dinner unless we can drive there and back. He does not enjoy public spaces much, and so events lile the theatre, seeing comedians, going to museums are not what he would like to spend his time doing. He has also verbalised that he doesn't really 'get' holidays and doesn't enjoy them lots, but he does it "for us".

This makes me feel bad, because I feel like he is making sacrifices of his time and happiness to appease me. It also makes me less likely to plan things, because I feel like I'm being selfish planning a holiday or trip when I now know he wont enjoy it.

But I love to travel. I love being sociable. I really enjoy spontaneous days out and wandering about cities (all the things he doesn't, basically).

We have not fallen out about this. But I am becoming more and more aware of this l, and wondering what will actually keep us together as a couple as our children inevitably home. Is it a fulfilling marriage without many (any?!) shared experiences?

If it is relevant ( he says it is), the reason he dislikes theatre/concerts/comedians/flights/ etc is because he is tall. He is 6ft5 and very broad. He thinks the world is literally not built for men of his size and he feels uncomfortable. I do believe this is true to am extent, but also, he's 42. He cannot surely just plan to do nothing and go nowhere for the rest of his life?!

AIBU to expect a marriage where we do stuff and go places?? Or AIBU to ask him to put aside his discomfort and preferences for an antisocial life in order to keep doing things together?

All perspectives welcome.

We went to find somewhere for dinner and the first place sat us at a very small table. He was visibly quite uncomfortable and we actually left and went elsewhere. He did enjoy the meal we eventually went for, and he said so. Afterwards I had booked a comedian and the chairs were v close together. He was really miserable. He said the level of discomfort ruined the experience and meant he couldn't relax and enjoy it.

My DH is 6'3 and struggles with cramped spaces, limited leg room, especially now that we're older (over 50) as his back/hip can be painful and stiff. It really does take away from enjoying something if you're in pain while trying to do it.

Maybe you need to look at ensuring you have better seats for things you want to do with more leg room/space if you want him to enjoy doing things with you.

I think the OP and DH sound content and happy! They’ve managed to get this far and are still happy.Nothing is perfect. I think with a bit of compromise they can work out a solution that suits them both.

Sounds like he has social anxiety, which can get worse as you get older and more set in your ways.
I’m sorry but it seems a bit extreme to throw away an otherwise good marriage because worse case you end up doing some things separately.

We've been together 21 years and married for 18.

We met very young (I was 18) and we had our kids quite quickly. I suppose with child-rearing and covid, this has only become more apparent recently.

Same. DH also 6’3” and has same issues. Theatre seats are a real issue and he constantly feels like he is blocking the view for the people behind and never truly relaxes especially if it’s full.

I am not saying LTB at all, but I guess it all depends on what you want out of life. I want a very exciting second half of my life with lots of travel, theatre, going out and doing stuff. I have worked hard for this. I would like DH by my side, at least maybe 70% of the time. Luckily he wants the same..

I am 53 and DH is 57, but MN seems to think anyone over 50 might as well be 90 what will all the mentions of being older. Being in your 50s is not old. And you two are a decade younger!

It’s such a shame! I totally understand your anxiety about it, and starting a thread about it.
I would be very fearful for the future tbh.

My crystal ball tells me that in ten years time, you will be going on nights out, day trips, city breaks and holidays with your friends and possibly adult DC. Your H's life will be smaller. He will go to work, watch TV or do a hobby, eat and sleep. If you have love and liking for one another, he will wave you off happily and you'll be glad to see each other on your return. Occasionally you'll have a pang of sadness or frustration for what you're missing as a couple, but will count your blessings and live your life. There is a possibility of a less positive version where your H becomes more grumpy, irritable and demanding of you, where he complains about you leaving him alone and is poor company when you're around. Then you will be faced with the dilemma of whether or not to leave him, because once that starts, it's a one way road.

My husband is similar. He has ASD and social anxiety, so struggles hugely with socialising which has only got worse as he has aged.

I had to build a social life for myself with friends and family. We spend time together at home playing games, watching TV, just talking etc. I love spending time with him like this. He will occasionally do some social events with me, but he struggles and then I just end up worrying about him.

His perfect day out is in nature, somewhere secluded and peaceful. It's not really my thing but I will go with him occasionally.

I have been on holiday twice without him in the last two years which was fine.

Ive come to accept that this is how it is and I'm pretty happy to do my own thing with friends and family.

Great summary.

A couple of my 50 something friends have grumpy, Victor Mildrew husbands who don't want to go anywhere and also don't want their wives to go anywhere. Men seem to become more reclusive and possessive as they get older. They are on the verge of divorce as my friends feel suffocated and their husbands feel resentful.

However you don't know that yours will go that way, so I would just focus on building a big life for yourself.

OP, loads of men are like this - my dh is, many of my friends' dhs are. For all sorts of reasons, they're antisocial homebodies. Women tend to be more fun.

You don't necessarily need to worry. You like each other., you're not clones. That's normal So just do your thing, organise time with friends and older kids (as everyone's said). The only problem will be if either you or your dh resent this set up, but there's no reason why you should. That's how I've lived my life for years. Dh and I get on fine, we watch TV together, occasionally go to the cinema,, occassionaly have a meal out. I don't take him to gigs and theatre because he doesn't really enjoy them and is also tall and often feels uncomfortable and I don't want his misery to impinge. We do have some holidays together, though he only likes beach vegging ones and won't do anything aventurous. I do that with girlfriends. I do have friends, though, where the marriage is ending because they can't tolerate the fact the other one wants to live a very different life.

You absolutely need to enjoy your life, not pander to him and certainly don't take up golf.

People change over the years, mature, tastes change. We put children before ourselves, then one day we realise we can now put ourselves first, and we may want different things, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. You sound as if you have a solid marriage, one that many would envy. Don’t let the fact that you are not the same people as you were years ago, divide you!

You are on a trajectory towards either separate social lives, or an acceptance that one of you will always be needing to compromise and feel miserable in order to keep the other happy.

My grandparents were exactly like this, and they each ended up doing their own thing for probably two thirds of the time. My grandmother was lively, busy, sociable, and interested in people and places. My grandfather wanted largely to be left alone to walk his dog, watch sport on TV, and drink whisky. He’d grumble so excessively about this routine being interrupted that it would ruin her enjoyment of every occasion.

So she holidayed with friends (usually a younger widowed girlfriend) several times a year, drove around the country and flew overseas visiting family, and accepted every invitation that came her way. He was happy in his boozy solitude, and she was happy charging up her social battery, and they otherwise had a very close and companionable relationship that was kind and loving to the end.

Wouldn’t work for everyone, but it definitely did for them. It completely depends on whether you can both be happy with that kind of compromise, OP. And if not, then you’re looking at an entirely different scenario, unfortunately.

I can relate, having a lot of very similar issues with DP who is 6'6" and also very broad/18 stone etc.

Flights are awful for him, but he will endure with extra leg room as he does enjoy the holiday. Lots of similar quirks though - doesn't like small tables/tightly packed chairs, flappy concert seating etc. In his defense he has had major back surgery so this does add to the discomfort.

To be honest I think the reluctance to go to 'busy' places is a co-morbidity of the initial issue, rather than him being objectively antisocial.

Hotels and weekend trips etc are also problematic as I try to book places with king size or larger beds, and it isn't always possible or even specified.

We do some stuff with forward planning (from me), but a lot of this stuff I do with friends and family instead, which is absolutely fine. He has other hobbies too (outdoorsy with no leg room constraints!) so it works pretty well.

It's been the same for years though, so not new info.

Partner 6ft 7 flights ok, concert, theatre etc..and enjoys them...the height thing doesn't explain meals out being an issue. Have you discussed how he is affecting the joy in your life?

What would happen if EVERYTHING you booked was to his liking?

Would he be happy and enjoy activities , then?

My DH is the same ( and is also tall) We used to not do things because he didn't want to do them, then we did some things because I wanted to and would make him do it ( I wanted to go on a more adventurous holiday for my 50th) He enjoyed it once he was there but I did all the organising, the worrying etc. When I said I was a bit nervous about it he said 'Well I thought this was a mistake but you wanted to do it' which wasn't helpful! I've started doing things on my own and do worry that actually he does want to go but is just naturally negative and I'm just leaving him to it and going off on my own/with friends/the kids. But then another part of me thinks he cant really complain if I'm just taking him at his word that he doesn't want to do these things then he's most welcome to say so and come! I'm not sure what will happen when the kids leave home though. I do worry that we will just be two people living in the same house occasionally. My dad was a wanderer and my mum was always resentful and angry about it but they didn't really like each other much!

My honest opinion?

As your children age out of the family home you will feel more and more restricted and resentful stuck in his comfort zone

I don’t think you are compatible any longer

He is getting all the social interaction he needs each week by playing golf and going to work. He doesn't need more and considers it a waste of time. He also seems to have an issue with spending time with just you. Can you pinpoint when this changed?

Honestly I think that when the kids leave home you will have very little in common.

I have been with my husband 21 years - the difference is that by the time we had DS we had been together from age 19 to 33 and 34, and had established we were growing together, not apart. You're not really compatible now in the same way as you need to be when you first get together, when you're going on dates, choosing a home etc.
It may well be okay for you to not be each other's "best friend" for trips, days out, shopping and the like but you're not very old. Can you live like that for the whole length of the time you've been together, then double it? Into your 80s?

It's honestly all about compromise. DH is booking a table for us to eat together at lunch time once schools go back. He knows I love going out. He prefers going out to gigs though buy does this with friends.

The dynamics of your relationship will naturally change as you age. DH is in his 50s, and I am in my 40s. We have different interests but that's not a surprise as we knew this when we met each other. Opposites attract...

He gets everything he needs from golf. But he needs to make you happy. Time to sit down with him and thrash it out and be explicit with what you want from him.

It reads to be that you are more into him than he is into you. You come down the priority list.

I agree with this.

I would also add that it sounds like he wants to have company at home but prefers to be without you when outside the house. For me, that would be unacceptable, sorry Op.

I think it's fine to replace your DH with friends to do activities like the theatre and holidays with but I think it's also important to find at least one thing you both enjoy and commit time to that so you don't end up growing apart and leading separate lives. You need something to connect you both after the DC have left home or you may find you become strangers, resentful etc. Ideally you would have 3 activities, 1 you jointly love, and 2 that each one of you loves and the other is happy to compromise and join in with