To wonder what this marriage will look like in 10 years?

[YouBelongWithMe]

I'm looking for other people's perspectives here. Perhaps neither of us are unreasonable, and this is just how the land lies.

My DH is early 40s, I am late 30s. We live a pretty comfortable lifestyle with our three teen children (13, 16, 18).

We get along very well. Our sense of humour is on the same wavelength, we enjoy each other's company, we are aligned in terms of moral values.

As he gets older, he has become more vocal about the things he does 'for me' and in verbalising that he wouldn't do them if not for me. He doesn't really enjoy going out for dinner unless we can drive there and back. He does not enjoy public spaces much, and so events lile the theatre, seeing comedians, going to museums are not what he would like to spend his time doing. He has also verbalised that he doesn't really 'get' holidays and doesn't enjoy them lots, but he does it "for us".

This makes me feel bad, because I feel like he is making sacrifices of his time and happiness to appease me. It also makes me less likely to plan things, because I feel like I'm being selfish planning a holiday or trip when I now know he wont enjoy it.

But I love to travel. I love being sociable. I really enjoy spontaneous days out and wandering about cities (all the things he doesn't, basically).

We have not fallen out about this. But I am becoming more and more aware of this l, and wondering what will actually keep us together as a couple as our children inevitably home. Is it a fulfilling marriage without many (any?!) shared experiences?

If it is relevant ( he says it is), the reason he dislikes theatre/concerts/comedians/flights/ etc is because he is tall. He is 6ft5 and very broad. He thinks the world is literally not built for men of his size and he feels uncomfortable. I do believe this is true to am extent, but also, he's 42. He cannot surely just plan to do nothing and go nowhere for the rest of his life?!

AIBU to expect a marriage where we do stuff and go places?? Or AIBU to ask him to put aside his discomfort and preferences for an antisocial life in order to keep doing things together?

All perspectives welcome.

He doesn't actually like being around so many people. In that sense he is an antisocial old man.

What does he enjoy doing OP?
Does he have any friends?

I can see my DH in a lot of what you say, he is very much a homebody who doesn’t like crowds of people, etc. But he does compromise and wants to do things together. I also have friends in similar situations so we go abroad together, do theatre, etc.

It's about balance. We have separate hobbies, interests and (sometimes) holidays.
But also things we enjoy and do together, including most of our holidays.
We've been like this for 35 years, initially because my husband an all-consuming job, so I had to develop an independent life.
But no kids, so no empty nest issues either.

I think everyone needs separate friends, interests etc, rather than relying totally on each other, but where can you find some compromise to do at least a few things together, OP?

Neither of you are BU. I have a friend with the exact same problem. She and her DH do go on cruises together, as that is OK for him. Aside from that, she holidays with friends, theatre etc with friends. It’s no drama, everyone is happy.

This. It’s about give and take, compromise.

He has friends from childhood. He does not really socialise with them - perhaps one night put every 18m. They text but rarely see him, even though we live fairly close.

He loves golf. He has people he plays with weekly and this is the majority of his social life.

Ironically he is an excellent manager due to his people skills. He has good relationships at work, which he enjoys.

He loves his children very much and spends time with them at home.

He does not have any other hobbies.

He’s happy doing his thing, and doesn’t want crowds or to be squashed in. That’s fine.

You also have what you like, and that’s fine too.

The only problem I see is where he doesn’t want to do things like join you on the dog walk. That may indicate an aversion to you, and that needs to be addressed.

Is it that he wants a home wife. And not a wife for worldly experiences? Does he see a split between his work/golf life, and then his cosy home?

He’s happy doing his thing, and doesn’t want crowds or to be squashed in. That’s fine.

You also have what you like, and that’s fine too.

The only problem I see is where he doesn’t want to do things like join you on the dog walk. That may indicate an aversion to you, and that needs to be addressed.

"Very, very interactive...in the house."

Would you be better off with a nice house cat OP?

Definitely not this. He is very happy for me to travel with friends and see the world without him.

He is also very supportive of me getting my fixes in other ways. Delighted when I book a theatre weekend away and he can order in nice food with the kids.

Zero indication he wants to make my world smaller.

I am allergic, so no.

Another dog though..? 🤣

I think as long as time and money is set aside at home for quality time spent together, rather than just existing side by side, that's reasonable. Like don't not spens money on nice food for a "date night at home" because you could eat cheaper if the alteenative is all the fun money going on things you do without him! And make sure you do things together, not just sticking the tv on while you both browse your phones every night.

I'm just back from Mauritius. Cheaper than the med for 10 nts end of July/school holidays.

All inclusive hotel in a golf resort so something for everyone.

He could pay for extra legroom on the flight and we had private transfers for the airport.

It's about finding ways to make your shared experiences work.

I love the theatre but absolutely hate cramped seats.
I love eating out but absolutely hate being squashed in a small table/in a walk way.

Take up golf and go with him?

No, that’s not what I meant, sorry not to be clearer. I didn’t mean ‘ does he want you to stay at home”. I meant “ does he only really want a wife for when he’s at home”.

And he likes work, golf, walking the dog alone.

If I was you OP and was thinking how you will feel in 10 years time, I think the answer would be lonely and regretful that you have spent 10 years with a man who doesn't want to do the things you do.

Is he a giant introvert (both meanings 😁).
Maybe his walks are to recharge as he is so interact at home. It would explain crowds etc. Past covid I avoid crowds like plague, while before I was REALLY social and all the time out and about in crowded places. Not because of ilness, rather the noise, smells, lack of personal space etc.
I suddenly need hour of absolute silence just to reachrge after coming home from work.

It's an interesting thought. I've never sat with it before, but I suppose he is a compartmentaliser. He has his work life, his golf life, his home life.

He would not want me to take up golf. Firstly because I'd be shite and he's very good, but also because it would be an intrusion into a part of his life that is separate to me.

That might play out as a "wife for at home" in practice.

He doesnt want to.make your life smaller but he wants to lead a small life. It will likely get worse as he gets older.

I totally 100% get where you're coming from. I have exactly the same concerns and we've recently had lots of arguments about it where I've basically said that I want an enjoyable later half to my life not one where I'm living a separate life to my husband otherwise what's the point. DH has lots of good points, he's a fun dad, kind, great sense of humor but like yours doesn't enjoy sunny holiday, travelling, having pets, spending time together in the evening (he would rather be sat behind his computer working), playing board games, exercising, decorating our home and eating in nice restaurants. We recently had a foreign holiday where he walked around in jeans and a cardigan all day and hardly ventured out of the room. I sent DD to kids club and sat by the pool on my own which I love but I could do that as a single mum.
Ive said he just needs to suck it up and put a face on but he seems incapable of doing that. Part of me thinks why should he. He should just be him. But another part thinks you pretend to help make the marriage work. I mean I have sat through hours of Police Interceptors and documentaries so that we can at least have some time together.

Your DH sounds a bit like me tbh, a lot of the things that I used to be ok with (crowds, public transport, being in close proximity to strangers for 2-3 hours, uncomfortable seating/lighting/heating) I’m now much less tolerant of and it has to feel really ‘worth it’ to put myself through it.
I’m not someone who needs shared experiences to feel bonded to someone, I’m much more someone who needs quality/alone time with my DH to feel close. Is your DH similar (although that wouldn’t explain why he won’t go dog walking with you!)
It sounds like for whatever reason he feels he can’t be comfortable and therefore be himself outside of a chosen few ‘safe’ environments so he’s avoiding going anywhere - I can totally understand why him not being able to explain it is maddening though!

I do understand why you are concerned about how this will pan out in future. You want ot go places and do things with him, and he really doesn't want to.

He honestly sounds dull as dishwater, and I think I would struggle long term with that.

He's actually so funny and such good company. He is very easy to spend time with
It's part of the reason I want to spend more time with him!

Did you not know all this about him when you got married?
You sound chronically mid-matched, and resentment will just build on both sides over time. Urgggh.

It is so unfortunate he doesn't feel the same way about spending time with you. Outside of the house that is.