To think this is closer to a normal childhood than to extreme abuse?

[Greensl100]

I know you can’t and shouldn’t try to measure things like this but I am told that this sort of stuff constitutes extreme abuse and I just don’t think it does. I actually think it is within the realms of a normal childhood from the 90s.

Examples…

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)

calling child self centred

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reaction

pulling hair and smacking

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest

these are some examples and of course I know none of them are brilliant parenting but I don’t think it equals extreme abuse?

But this was common in the 90s im not sayimg its right and not normal in today's standards but it was very normal back then.

Oh my goodness OP. That is bad. Especially smacking and pulling hair...

Edit- I was born mid 80s, so very nuch a 90s childhood. I do not relate to this at all.

These are all absuive behaviours and I tried thinking about them individually. Then I thought maybe not extreme (although some definitely could have been depending on additional context)... but they didn't happen individually, and I think that makes a difference.

one occasion of parent trashing child’s bedroom
Heat of the moment reaction while having an aegument in that room or premeditated? Both abusive, but how extreme might depend on the context of how it came about.

leaving 15 year old in home for a week while parents went away (in same country)
This is the only one I can say I almost experienced. I stayed home at 15, not for a full week though, I think it was 2 nights and they checked in constantly - to the point it was annoying me. I was fine, I chose to stay behind and felt very comfortable to, but a week would have got lonely I think.
I don't think this is abusive in itself, if it were your choice. If you were left for a week having been told they didn't want you with them, without food and money and not contacted all week then yes it's abusive!

calling child self centred
Once, when you were being (and not just behaving in an age/stage typical manner), or regularly any time you tried to put your needs first?

saying child needed to be more like child’s friend
Again, regularly? And it what way?
"Why can't you study as hard as Jenny?" is not the same as constantly being told someone else is better than you.

forcing child to spend time around a pet that caused child non life threatening allergic reactio
Nobody should be putting their pet above their child. Yes this is abusive, 100%.

pulling hair and smacking
No question. Was it regular?

not allowing teen to use washing machine or cook for themselves in home
But you were allowed to stay home alone for a week and, presumably do them then. What was the reasoning? Most parents would love their teens to do these things! Sounds like a control thing so yeah.

When left home and relationship broke down in twenties, told that they were not welcome in the family home and that if they visited they were a guest
Your parents are cunts, I'm surprised you wanted to see them.

I never came across parents doing that in the 1980s and 90s and it never occurred to me to do it. It certainly was not the norm.

No, it wasn't common in the 90s. Maybe a smack on the legs, but a parent pulling a child's hair certainly wasn't normal. Together with all the other stuff, it's obvious that her parents were physically and emotionally abusive.

I'd like to know what your line is for "extreme" abuse. Either it is abuse or it isn't abuse. Would it be criminality that is the line for you?

It’s horrifyingly abusive.

And no I haven’t experienced a single thing on that list.

There is physical abuse.
There is emotional abuse.
No, there isn’t sexual abuse.
But we don’t need that or for someone to die for this to be extreme!

@youalright
No it wasn’t common in the 90’s ffs.

My friends and half-sisters were kids/teens in the 90’s and NONE of them experienced a childhood like this. Their parents were often not perfect, but there was not physical abuse, deprivation of access to the kitchen, no forced exposure to known life threatening allergies.

Were there abusive parents? Yes. Was it normal? No.

Yes there's worse, you could have had bones broken, been sexually abused or killed, which is beyond extreme abuse. What you describe is extremely abusive behaviour and far from normal.

Some of that is common but some of that is extreme and I had a 70s childhood. Others I need more info eg if you stayed home alone while they went away, what did you eat if you weren’t allowed to cook?

In the context of a wholly loving home, occasional slapping on the bum when I'd done something truly deserving of it or calling me a sack of potatoes when I really was a lazy sod being horrible to my mum, is not abuse. In the pattern of behaviour your parents displayed, it is abuse.

It’s emotional abuse, even if it doesn’t feel as extreme as say regular beatings or sexual abuse it can still have a massive impact on how you develop emotionally and your sense of self and how you regulate yourself and navigate life. Reading up about adverse childhood experiences might help. I guess the thing to focus on is the scale of impact it had on you.
No that stuff you describe is not normal or average xx

My DM didn't believe I had a cat allergy. I didn't think so either until I moved out for school and realized it on my own. What a joy to be able to breath freely every day! She doubled down and claimed it was a merely a 'sensitivity' after I showed her a physician's diagnosis that I was off the charts allergic to cats, dogs, sheep and horses. I 100 percent think she was wrong and selfish (she didn't want to lose her cats) about this, but not abusive IMO. I grew up in the 70s and 80s.

I was never called self-centered or compared to other kids, but I wouldn't call either of those abuse without more context. Teens are self-centered!

The others are abusive IMO, but not sure if it's all extreme even if taken together. I imagine extreme would involve severe bodily harm and/or sexual abuse and neglect where a child was starved or left alone at a younger age.

I also think that some therapy over emphasizes victimhood and it's not healthy. I have a friend who's adult son claims she was abusive because she would sometimes be late picking him up from school and she struggled with organization. His therapists encourages this kind of narcissism and he's turned into a real jerk.

However, even though my DM hit one of those on the list, it's really hard not to read the rest and feel sad for you that you thought other kids experienced those things. All of them together are bad, and if they were repeated (vs. a one-time poor reaction) that would constitute an abusive home life.

I'm sorry, but I'd also like to remark that you sound very resilient, OP! And not because life was the worst for you, but because you don't let difficulties define you and make you weak. Your therapist isn't a priest nor a god. Take what works, and leave the rest.

I don't think it was acceptable by the 90s standards at all.

I was born in the 70s. Other than the odd smack (probably between4&8, no older and never particularly hard) and some teasing / the occasional argument when we were teenagers (but we were probably worse than our parents!) I don’t remember anything worse. Possibly we were luckier than many contemporaries, I remember the whole class being horrified at the bruising on one of our classmates when she changed for swimming. It was reported and she was taken into care-I hope she was ok, never saw her again.
I was a nanny in the 90s and worked for various families- I don’t recognise anything you describe as being acceptable or occurring at all.
it’s difficult to quantify how abusive the events you describe are, bit ime it wasn’t acceptable 😢

Social worker of over 20 years' experience wading in here. Yes, this is abuse. It was abuse in 2003. It was still abuse in 2013. It is still abuse now in 2025. I think it hits all except one of the four main types of abuse.

Hope that helps.

Did you mean to reply to me with this one?

A study in the 90s showed 91% of children had been hit and 1 in 5 with an implement. 2003 it was down to 71% now its 58%.

I think some of it is run of the mill thoughtless parenting - I was certainly compared unfavourably with cousins and told I was self-centred in the 80s/90s, but some does seem extreme to me.

Trashing your room was very agressive, sounds like a violent parent who lost control, and I imagine it was very scary, and you lost any sense of safety in your room.

Leaving you home along for a week at 15 was serious neglect, which is abusive.

Hairpulling is abusive and nasty.

I think that you need to accept that you have suffered to be able to heal.

So sorry you were treated like this, it's great that you're working through it with a counsellor.

Wow, that's depressing.

It really wasn't.

I've experienced:

Hitting (with hand and slipper, maybe only 6/7 times a year, but delivered for maybe almost a minute - a long time to be hit - and hard enough to leave marks and skin bruises). It was never for anything bad - just talking if we'd been told to be quiet or something.

Being told I was lazy/weird (turned out I was ADHD)

Groomed at the age of 15 (parent befriended 40 year old man involved) with awful consequences

Other things, but these are the ones that leap quickly to mind.

I don't think I was ever abused or neglected in any way. I've told everyone, all my life, what a 'golden,' and happy childhood I had. I still believe I did, but every now and then I hear or read something, and think "Oh. Maybe that thing that happened wasn't quite right, then."

I almost daren't delve into it, as I feel I need to stick with my 'happy happy happy' narrative. I'm so sorry for you, though, OP. You definitely had it far worse, and I understand your reluctance to reframe your childhood memories.

Experienced three of the things on your list, I would class it has hideous parenting rather then extreme abuse.
I make a very conscious effort to be as unlike my parent as possible with my own children.
My own parent was very much a product of their own childhood, which was very much ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ mentality, so they modelled that to some extent because that’s how they were brought up.
Regardless of if it is classed as extreme abuse or ‘just’ abusive, it has obviously left trauma, just as my own experiences have, I wouldn’t get too bogged down on what to call it.
I have friends who are appalled by some of the treatment I received and the fear I felt, they would class it as extreme abuse because they were raised in a different way.

Well, I haven't and unless they didn't mention it, neither did any of my friends.

ETA - do you know why the label is upsetting you so much OP? I don't think there are 'official' definitions for these things so does it really matter what she calls it? They did what they did, why is the label the upsetting thing?

Yes it is abuse..all of it, everything you listed.

In my opinion, I agree with you that it is not extreme abuse.

Editing to add that after RTFT, I realise my scale is skewed because I was also abused as a child and not to compare or anything but yours is nowhere near as extreme as mine was. So I recognise I am likely desensitised and like you see some abuse as normal or not that extreme.