thinking its mad, how everyone assumes your going to return to work, when your dcs start school?

[milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk]

im not planning to, i want to be the one that takes dd to school picks her up from school is there if shes sick or on holiday.

don't school children have about 3 months of hols a year?

That's a reasonable wage. But remember,you could do some work and have another baby - the two aren't mutually exclusive ya know!!And you could of course, develop and change and have a different view or different earning power by then!

OK you may have limited experience of being at home but if you had every intention of going back to work at the end of your maternity leave I doubt that you built the kind of life that SAHM have.

Many working mothers on maternity leave seem to leave their older children with the same nursery or child minder for continuity even though they are at home. It isn't the same as doing most of the child care yourself.

I am equally sure that some people enjoy accountancy or law or whatever else they do but then plenty of people enjoy being a SAHM but somehow that isn't deemed a valid choice.

And as for the social aspect of work - what do all these people talk about at work? Ime it is many things including families and children - just the same as SAHM talk about. In fact I used to spend hours being regaled with stories of my boss's children even though considered being a SAHM a waste of time and spending all day with children dull. Rivetting when I had no children of my own, of course.

I have no interest in golf, Findquattrosriver or whatever your new name is, my point was just that to many men, success means having time to indulge in your chosen leisure pursuits, whereas on threads like this, if SAHMs have managed to work out a life which involves some enjoyable leisure activity while their kids are in school, they're seen as nobodies and get asked 'but what do you do all day?'

blueshoes - you're right! I realised when I was brushing my teeth thinking about breastfeeding that I realised morningglory has a young baby!

Quattro, That comment wasn't on that thread that was on a thread regarding whether Natasha Kaplinski was wrong to not tell that she was pregnant. If that's the closest you've got to crow barring in that I don't think women should work, then, wow, you must have been really annoyed. The comment or sentiment reads that I think the government should prop up lost revenue for smaller companies during maternity period to encourage people to employ women that are likely to have children.
I don't believe for one instant that you think women can/should stay at home as you consistantly ridicule, abuse and insult us.
Findthewhocaresless, I am pregnant and so please do not keep accusing me of being pissed or mad, I find it rather insulting.

Findtheblahblah, yes I'm sure your children will remember you as a professional blah, blah, blah....that's got to be the most stupid thing I've read.
Quattro, you and findthewilltolive really should meet up and discuss my posts. I think cross posting is against MN policy???

YANBU if you can manage without the money there is no reason to feel pressurised to go back. Work is very over rated IMO. There is no need to watch any daytime TV, there are masses of interesting things you can do or study.There is also voluntary work. I don't know why your job gives you your identity.
I work part time, my periods of full time work have been so stressful that the whole family suffers-it hasn't been worth it.

riven, but what do you do with your day?

Niecie - when I was on maternity leaves I looked after my children myself. Also, by the social aspect of work, I don't simply mean what you talk about with work colleagues. It's about having another circle of friends in addition to the friends you make through your children, neighbourhood etc.
posieparker:'Findtheblahblah, yes I'm sure your children will remember you as a professional blah, blah, blah....that's got to be the most stupid thing I've read.' - clearly you don't read your own posts then
As I've said before, my children enjoy having two parents who are loving, caring, involved in their lives and they are proud of the fact that we both have interesting and worthwhile roles in wider society as well as in the home. As they get older, they are gaining an insight into the exciting careers that mums and dads do. If you find that 'stupid' then I feel sorry for you.

Quattrocento on Thu 29-May-08 20:52:12
"What preoccupies me is the fact that women still mostly only earn a fraction of what men do, they have limited careers, little financial independence, restricted pensions and all of these things are issues that should be troubling us all - if not for ourselves then for our DCs."

Now for dd what would be the result if I had been in a fulltime profession outside the home during the last 4 years:

she would almost certainly not be able to walk - they don't do hourly physio on the NHS

she would almost certainly have been taken into care- when the doctor refused to recognise her physical symptoms and claimed she had been abused, I was the one who fought, who looked up endless medical articles, who stayed at home to invite people from the Social Services to look us over....

she would have spent day after day lying alone sick at home- no employer would put up with an employee taking 35 % of the time off for a sick child

she would have been lying in a wet bed if I hadn't been there to lift her to the bathroom

she would probably have broken her neck by now falling down the stairs if I hadn't been there to help her

she would never have been able to access treatment for her joint pains if I hadnt been there to take her week after week

she would have become a permanent school refuser if I hadn't been there to coax her and encourage her and keep her strong

she would almost certainly have become permanently depressed- I've seen it happen to others with her condition

she wouldn't have had a chance to keep up with her school work

she would have had no help from her present school if I hadn't been going in on a weekly basis to fight her corner

she would have no chance to get into a disabled access secondary school if I hadn't been on hand to deal with the appeals process

But what the heck, she would have had the comfort of knowing that her Mum was financially independent! Clearly I need to learn to prioritise. That's the disadvantage of numbing your brain by being a part-time SAHM.

cory - you sound like an amazingly strong person, and you've had a nightmare to cope with.
However, not everyone has to cope with your situation. There will always be exceptions circumstances (see riven's posts too). But as a general rule, it is perfectly valid to hold the view that financial independence is a valuable thing.

*exceptional

I don't know why anyone finds it hard to imagine what a non working person does during school hours. If anyone asks the question, I suspect they really mean "how can you bear to lead a day like that?"

Riven, respect. But it's likely your day is unusual isn't it. Your family circumstances aren't (statistically) typical.

... and it's perfectly possible if you are a capable adult to live a full and rounded life when you work too!!
A typical day for DH and I might include:
cooking/ chatting to the kids/ a few phone calls/bits or admin/ reading/popping to the shops/ putting on the laundry/ doing a bit of housework (not much though- it's boring!!)/chatting to friends/colleagues/playing a family game/supervising homework/..... oh and going to work too!!

But I've still got money, findthepoor. It's our money, not his. We would also be quite prepared to swap at some stage and for him to be the SAHD; it just doesn't affect how we perceive our joint money.

I don't get the people who think you'd have to ask your dh for an allowance- have they never heard of joint accounts?

The mortgage repayments are insured for a year so if anything happened to him or to his job, we'd still have time to act. And I am paying into a pension fund.

Yes, I know divorce is a possibility- but in my case, I think, a very low one. And as long as we don't divorce, it really makes no difference if he earns half the money and I half, or if one of us earns the lot. One can always make arrangements.

cory - totally agree about the our money thing. I never asked DH for an 'allowance' when I was on maternity leave - seems a weird concept to me!! Although I agree with quattro's general point about financial independence; for me, the money aspect is not the most important part anyway. Work is about so much more, and it's the fulfilment and confidence it brings which are paramount.

The money thing is interesting though because some women don't feel that the money he earns is communal.

I remember once visiting San Fransisco which has, as everyone knows, a large gay community. And the male gay areas were beautiful. Lovely houses, clubs and restaurants. And the streets full of lesbian bars and all women spas were in dodgy areas and a bit run down.

And it struck me that heterosexuality disguises female poverty.

findtheblahblah, dp's money is our money. I never have to justify or ask for the money I spend. He thinks I'm worth the wieght in gold and has never thought of money as his, only ours. Plus I have a couple of properties which mean we retire on our money too. Who says I won't have a valuable career, again, when my children return to school? Like I've said before I'm a lot younger than you and so I still have time.
The only female barristers I know gave up the profession on the basis that they felt they couldn't be good parents and good barristers. Surely a barrister knows how to debate without fabricating stuff??? I guess not.

You know, I was thinking about this thread while I've been enjoying another D&V virus, and it occured to me that I, as a homeschooling parent, am not the typical SAHM with older children.

So, how about my MIL, who never returned to work after her children were born? She spent her days doing the obvious housework, looking after a garden and an allotment which provided most of the fruit and vegetables for the family (and quite a few neighbours), she visited the sick and elderly who didn't have the capabilities to go out and often visited the post-office for them and more (and this became a much bigger proposition as time went on and her own parents became infirm), she provided meals and ready listening ear to other mothers, especially those with small children and babies, and a lot more besides.

I think she is fantastic, and I'm very encouraged that, in her late 60's she still manages to do a lot of it. She's one of the happiest, sunniest, most useful (and slightly bonkers) women I know. I hope that I'll have the opportunity to be just like her as time moves on.

"well when dd goes to school, if i wanted to i could get some locuming work, pays about 25 to 30 pound an hour, but i don't need to or want to.

so, ner ner ner ner!!"

Sorry, but that just strikes me as a terrible waste. Aren't you proud of your qualifications and career and your abilities outside of the home?

and what about her qualifications as a mother and her career WITHIN the home - what makes them any less valuable/worthwhile???