Is this typical mother behaviour?

[BoiledCauliflower]

I don’t even know how to word this…

A bit of context, me, DH and two DD (3 and 8mo) - the question is about my mum. I sometimes wish she was more… I don’t know ‘regular’ ‘present’ I don’t know if I’ve got a ‘TV’ or ‘social media’ perception of what mums should be like but is this typical behaviour…

Mum is never predictable sometimes she loves having eldest DD over for tea sometimes she will make excuses. We don’t ask for childcare and pay all the nursery expenses ourselves. We wanted nanny to be able to have nanny time when she wanted.

She changes her mind a lot! Over everything Monday she’s buying the purple couch, Tuesday it’ll be the red couch etc. The following week she’s painting her house cream, then it’s blue - this is just an example it’s something new every week. She’s very unpredictable.

Sometimes she’s critical of an item we buy next week it’ll be “that’s a good idea.” Over the same item.

I never feel I know which mum will arrive sometimes she’s chilled and you can have a conversation with her. Other times she is is quite manic over nothing - when she’s like this she’s plays crazy games with the toddler who gets herself so worked up and often hurts herself.

When we go out together and I talk about the kids she doesn’t seem interested. I get no one likes to hear anyone harp on about the children but she’s there Nan I thought it was different?

We include her in days out and I take her out for lunch as mother and daughter but she is always suggesting me and her do more, like drinking (I don’t want a hangover) or more lunches - it’s hard with two little kids.

I don’t always feel like she listens to me. I can be telling her a story and when I finish she’ll start talking about something completely random or she will interrupt me when I am talking. Maybe I am just boring?

I guess I just want a more predictable mother so I know what to expect, who I feel enjoys listening to stories about her DGD am I living in a fantasy world?

She sounds depressed. Does she have a lot going on in her life, in terms of friends, hobbies, job?

She sounds like she has ADHD my mother is the same. My mother has an obsession with buying rubbish from Temu and she’s always got a project on the go I.e house stuff that is always allocated to one of us family members who work full time. She never listens to me and often talks over me to the point where I don’t feel like spending time with her. My mother is always complaining about her health too if you have a cough she has a cough but it’s much worse not to mention all the other illnesses she has!! it’s like she thrives on the misery and wants everyone to run around after her. She lives a few steps away from a shop but she gets me to pick up her milk when I visit she’s so damn lazy too.

Has she always been like this your entire life? Any signs of mental illness such as bipolar?

She does sound like there is something going on whether it be her mental health or neurodiversity, has she always been like this ?

It isn't typical mum behaviour no.

Wow! Thank you for all your replies I thought I was being unrealistic. Yes she’s always been like this. Absolutely loves being in control of a situation too, loves praise, loves being told how amazing she is. Loves being the centre of attention. I am more introverted so put that down to different personalities. DH has suggested ADHD to me, obviously DM thinks she’s completely rational.

But you know your mother. You say she’s always been this way. So why would you imagine she’d turn into a different person because she became a grandmother, any more than you stopped being yourself when you had a child?

You ‘pay all the nursery expenses yourself’….i think this explains a lot more about you and less about your parent!!

I don’t think I paid that much attention to her behaviour until I matured, had life experience and became a mother myself.

I think OP means she isn’t asking for handouts or unpaid childcare/babysitting from her mum.

I am really confused what you mean. Do you think I should be asking her to pay or asking her to cover the childcare and looking after the kids instead of going to nursery. That would be ridiculous- they’re my children, my responsibility.

lots of posters on her expect grandparents to cover their childcare so I was making it clear DM role is a nanny not a childminder as I though this was relevant to the post about her involvement.

I mean I have no idea why you mentioned it!

I think the OP mentioned it to point out that she didn't expect free childcare from her mother, that's all.

OK, well that's on you, if you'd literally never noticed your own parent's behaviour until you had a child. It's still ridiculous of you to expect her to have turned into someone else because you had children. You have the mother you have, the same as your children have the mother they have.

She's clearly not the mother you would have liked, but that's the same for a lot of us. We deal with the one we have. She may well have wanted a different type of daughter -- my own mother certainly would have preferred a different one.

You were probably used to it growing up and she was "just your mum" .

Oh dear @BoiledCauliflower the grumpy people are out, making snippy comments.

FWIW I think this is just your mum's personality and she just can't help being disorganised and changing her mind all the time.

Sure, but she's still 'just her mum'! That's how she is.

It’s very like my Mum. She has ADHD

I don't understand what you are trying to say can you clarify ?

Lots of helpful answers. Can anyone help me manage this. I love my mum and I know she loves us she’s great lots of the times with the kids. I just struggle to manage the uncertainty and unpredictable nature and tips would be great!

You said, probably absolutely correctly, that the OP was used to her mother's behaviour growing up, and it was 'just her mum'. I said that nothing has changed. The OP acknowledges that her mother has always behaved in the same way. There's no reason to think her mother has changed.

Yet the OP is now asking questions about whether her behaviour is 'typical of mums'. There is no 'typical' 'mum behaviour'. There are only individual women who have had a child. The OP's mother is the same as she ever was.

You still are not making sense, I don't know why you are so angry ! but I absolutely did not say "absolutely " to anything,
children growing up in dysfunction don't always recognise the dysfunction or odd behaviour or even abuse (i am not saying the op was abused ) until they are grown up this might be what the op is experiencing with her mother, and blowing hot and cold with children isn't typical behaviour from anyone.

OP you mention that your DM wants to do more things together, like drinking.

Is it possible she has a secret drinking problem?

I just ask because I have a relative who could be lovely one day and angry, hyper and irrational the next. Turns out she's been an alcoholic for years. Would never in a million years have thought that.

OK, you clearly have issues. I'm not remotely angry. I was agreeing with what you said. Do you struggle with tone in writing?

From reading your OP it seems that your mum has been consistent with her moods and actions, but prior to having your family you were unaware of the impact on you until now.

There's nothing you can do to change your mum, but you can change how YOU react to her actions. I had to do the same and its the best bit of advice I was given.

Don't ever rely on her to be good on any one day, no matter how important it is to you. If she does have ADHD, bipolar disorder or similar, then she cannot help her actions unless she really wants to. You need to have Plan A and Plan B in your pocket. Once you are able to do this, your frustrations should be a lot less and your stress levels much better.