Is this typical mother behaviour?

[BoiledCauliflower]

I don’t even know how to word this…

A bit of context, me, DH and two DD (3 and 8mo) - the question is about my mum. I sometimes wish she was more… I don’t know ‘regular’ ‘present’ I don’t know if I’ve got a ‘TV’ or ‘social media’ perception of what mums should be like but is this typical behaviour…

Mum is never predictable sometimes she loves having eldest DD over for tea sometimes she will make excuses. We don’t ask for childcare and pay all the nursery expenses ourselves. We wanted nanny to be able to have nanny time when she wanted.

She changes her mind a lot! Over everything Monday she’s buying the purple couch, Tuesday it’ll be the red couch etc. The following week she’s painting her house cream, then it’s blue - this is just an example it’s something new every week. She’s very unpredictable.

Sometimes she’s critical of an item we buy next week it’ll be “that’s a good idea.” Over the same item.

I never feel I know which mum will arrive sometimes she’s chilled and you can have a conversation with her. Other times she is is quite manic over nothing - when she’s like this she’s plays crazy games with the toddler who gets herself so worked up and often hurts herself.

When we go out together and I talk about the kids she doesn’t seem interested. I get no one likes to hear anyone harp on about the children but she’s there Nan I thought it was different?

We include her in days out and I take her out for lunch as mother and daughter but she is always suggesting me and her do more, like drinking (I don’t want a hangover) or more lunches - it’s hard with two little kids.

I don’t always feel like she listens to me. I can be telling her a story and when I finish she’ll start talking about something completely random or she will interrupt me when I am talking. Maybe I am just boring?

I guess I just want a more predictable mother so I know what to expect, who I feel enjoys listening to stories about her DGD am I living in a fantasy world?

@BoiledCauliflower
As other have said, possibly a NDiversity in there somewhere, but that isn’t really the point.

I think you are expressing the desire for a sort of mythical “grandparent” and not the grandparent your child has in reality.
It’s quite sad you talk of “managing” her, but I understand what you are saying, even though I find it extremely strange that you didn’t know your mother until now.
Isn’t she the same person she has always been? Why would you presume her to be a different person just because you are a mother?

She doesn’t seem with it, no.

I see myself in some of the examples you have given of your mom, this might of assistance but I too tend to pick up new projects and not finish them. I’m in my early 60’s.

im equally frustrated by this because they would be things I was able to do years ago.

For example last winter I was determined to crochet a pretty granny square rug that was doing the rounds on social media. Try as I might, and following on line tutorials, I just couldn’t get my first circles right. I asked experienced friends for help with no luck, so the whole lot went into the cupboard.

yes there a bit of depression and short attention span involved too. Both of which become worse when things don’t work out!

I’ve considered going to the doctor to investigate my short focus and perhaps your mum would go if the emphasis was on women’s health, rather than a MH one. Let the GP take the lead there, if required.

but please don’t take it personally how your mum is. Mums generally don’t aim to hurt their DD’s. we are just trying to remain relevant, interesting and someone our DD’s still want in their life…

It sounds like ADHD.

Maybe narcissitic, adhd, or adhd with immature emotional development? She is certainly self involved, from your description, and focused on getting her needs met above having an actual connection with you.

My mother seemed similar she was going through menopause mixed in with narcissistic traits. I eventually went no contact with her

What does it explain?

Because frequently posters are told not to expect grandparents to provide free childcare. She was indicating she isn't using her for childcare. But contact tine was for the purpose of relationship building.

What stood out to me was she wanted to go drinking. Before you even got to that I thought she sounds like my parent who was an alcoholic.

Sounds like ADHD in a lot of ways - changing her mind, being impulsive, possibly forgetful. I am too, the not listening but then talking about a random subject (and interrupting) is classic ADHD

I wonder if she would be receptive to talking about it? I think she really needs to understand what others see, and what bothers you, to address it. Getting my diagnosis made me consider my behaviour, and how I could adapt to think of others. I try to pay attention more if someone says they want to talk to me, before I wasn't aware what I was doing and I often didn't hear people speaking to me. Facebook groups like ADHD UK Women are good, for both of you

Sounds similar to my mum. I also suspect ADHD.

You'd have liked my mum. She was very 'nan ', but i would have liked her to be more fun and more up for partying- like my friend's mum. She was like that as a mum, too.

I suspect i will be more like your mum should my dc ever have children of their own. I find small children v boring and need lots of stimulation, followed by periods of death. But I am aware of this and have many ways to entertain myself.

I suspect ds has me pegged, but dd may find me a disappointment. She is more like my mum.... and round we go.

She sounds fab!

She actually sounds like a lot of my friends...

It sounds like your mother is looking for more of a friend than a "sitcom" mother daughter relationship. She sounds a bit immature. Not knowing her age, there could be some mental decline. This is who she is and she isn't going to change. I would lower your expectations and maybe also the time, so that when you do see her it's more mutually fulfilling. If she's not very interested in the grandkids, I wouldn't always include her on days out. This is sacred time and your kids will only be little once. It might be more meaningful if it's just you, the kids, and DH. Then you can have time with your mother in another way. Maybe even over drinks.

Bipolar affective disorder is horribly distressing and disabling. It's not about changing your mind regarding the colour of your sofa.

She sounds like she has bipolar or another personality disorder

Lots of people eager to slap alphabet labels on her, but personally I think it's a age difference thing.

In your mid/late 50s (I'm 58) you start to see the end, and therefore don't want to get too bogged down in stuff but want to have fun. You do feel less serious and more capricious (pink one day, blue the next) because you know that it is not that important or as important as it was at an earlier time in your life. Your mum has had her kids, she's had to be serious and responsible and now she doesn't have to be... cut her some slack. Maybe she wants to be enjoying her life.

Those are my thoughts. I may have 20 years left (hopefully more) and I want them to be fun and interesting and lived on my own terms (putting aside bills and taxes which we all have to pay). I feels that it is all going to be over so soon (the years are flying by) and I want what's left to be good.

@Willyoujust , bipolar is not a personality disorder.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply to me. DM definitely wants to be involved with the DGC. I just never know what version of her will turn up. I know she really values family time with us but I also know some days aren’t what she thought in her head. I find it tricky to know how to respond to her sometimes, as an adult you know people well, you have a relationship with individuals, you know what they like and dislike you know their morals. I struggle to know which “mum” will be present so I’m never too sure how to respond and converse. I wasn’t sure if this was just a difference in personality or a seasoned mother thing - I don’t ever really remember her being any different though. It never really fazed me too much before kids but her expectations to spend more time with me and her unpredictable nature with the kids can prove tricky. Some good ideas about having a plan A and B. Approaching her about ADHD is not an option at all. She is of a generation where she believes ND doesn’t exist.

Whether this is typical mother behaviour depends entirely on the mother in question.
Is this behaviour different to when you were growing up- I suspect not.
People don't change just because they become grandparents.
You are being unreasonable to expect her to be different just because your life is now different- you need to be a calm presence and be prepared for her to be somewhat chaotic, don't react to her opinions - clearly they are not going to be balanced. I also wouldn't just let her run when she gets manic with the toddler- close it down.
Your kids will develop a relationship with her, and will even love her for her unpredictability, but that's no reason for you to get worked up and encourage it- be the calm in the centre of the storm.

I think you will need to accept that this is how your mum is and she isn't going to fit your Ideal vision of mum/gran - that's okay as she's her own person separate from your wishes and needs. You can absolutely feel annoyed but your expectations sound like they'll never be met so your frustration isn't going to change anything. You can't change her, but you can change you and what you do.

Absolutely sounds like ADHD, the up & down, the scatterness, the indecisive & rash decisions, the lack of interest & going off on different subjects.. My mum also didn't know she had ADHD until my diagnosis in my 30's. In fact she thought it was a fabricated condition and everyone has these struggles. I don't know how you can help her see, I just drip fed ADHD traits to my mum for many years before the penny dropped.

All I can say is don't take it personally, equip yourself with as much knowledge as you can about ADHD, the symptoms, how to manage and navigate relationships with those with ADHD. Even with your kids, it really isn't personal, people with ADHD struggle with forward planning and their life's/minds are often all over even if it doesn't look like it on the outside.. unless they learn how to manage their condition well.

I think you need to decide what you can let go and what you need to address. I mean, telling you one week she wants a particular colour couch and the next it’s different, or having inconsistent opinions on the stuff you do or buy or whatever probably isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things and you can probably let this go. I think it’s also ok that sometimes she wants to watch the kids/spend time with them and sometimes she doesn’t- as long as overall she is fairly present and involved, she’s allowed to not feel like it some days and also to want to spend time just you two sometimes. Stuff like being overexcited and overstimulating the kids I’d need to speak to her about as it happens. And not feeling like she’s emotionally present/listening id also have to comment ‘mum, I’m trying to talk to you about something and you’ve just changed the subject’.
It definitely does sound like ADHD or something like bipolar disorder. I don’t know what your chances are of getting her to a doctor though! You probably just need to let go what you can let go, address important issues as they arise, set boundaries around what’s acceptable to you and not take things too personally.

And you're not damaged at all are you.....?

Yep. ADHD AF