Is this typical mother behaviour?

[BoiledCauliflower]

I don’t even know how to word this…

A bit of context, me, DH and two DD (3 and 8mo) - the question is about my mum. I sometimes wish she was more… I don’t know ‘regular’ ‘present’ I don’t know if I’ve got a ‘TV’ or ‘social media’ perception of what mums should be like but is this typical behaviour…

Mum is never predictable sometimes she loves having eldest DD over for tea sometimes she will make excuses. We don’t ask for childcare and pay all the nursery expenses ourselves. We wanted nanny to be able to have nanny time when she wanted.

She changes her mind a lot! Over everything Monday she’s buying the purple couch, Tuesday it’ll be the red couch etc. The following week she’s painting her house cream, then it’s blue - this is just an example it’s something new every week. She’s very unpredictable.

Sometimes she’s critical of an item we buy next week it’ll be “that’s a good idea.” Over the same item.

I never feel I know which mum will arrive sometimes she’s chilled and you can have a conversation with her. Other times she is is quite manic over nothing - when she’s like this she’s plays crazy games with the toddler who gets herself so worked up and often hurts herself.

When we go out together and I talk about the kids she doesn’t seem interested. I get no one likes to hear anyone harp on about the children but she’s there Nan I thought it was different?

We include her in days out and I take her out for lunch as mother and daughter but she is always suggesting me and her do more, like drinking (I don’t want a hangover) or more lunches - it’s hard with two little kids.

I don’t always feel like she listens to me. I can be telling her a story and when I finish she’ll start talking about something completely random or she will interrupt me when I am talking. Maybe I am just boring?

I guess I just want a more predictable mother so I know what to expect, who I feel enjoys listening to stories about her DGD am I living in a fantasy world?

Tbh she sounds like my mum - undiagnosed personality disorder/bipolar all her life, possibly with ADHD. Only realised what her issue was when my sisters, myself and all our children have been diagnosed with varying combinations of ADHD/ASD/dyslexia/EuPD. Life was chaotic growing up, her emotional resilience was non-existent and the mood swings, grandiose plans that kept changing etc were all the normal stuff of our childhood.

Knowing at the time would not have changed her, I suspect, but had we realised (sooner) it might have helped us manage her, manage our reactions to her often odd behaviours and emotional outbursts, manage our feelings about ourselves in response to those.

But, no, based on my MiL and extended marital family, I’d wouldn’t say your DM was ‘normal’.

It sounds fairly normal TBh. Some people have short attention spans.

Many women going through the menopause are coming to realise that they were actually ND all their lives, but menopause has exacerbated the issues they have always faced and accepted as “just them”. Being a “bit scatterbrained” and “struggling with concentration” as a child has become a blur of brain fog and flitting thoughts that can’t quite be grasped before they are gone again. I don’t know how old your mum is, obviously, but it might be worth considering whether HRT would be beneficial to her.
She may well be as frustrated as YOU are, but you can’t change who she is, you can only choose how you cope. I’d suggest firstly, limiting your expectations, and those of your children. Don’t make promises to your children about “nanny”, they will just accept her as Nanny, and love her regardless, if you don’t lead them to have unrealistic expectations that she cannot fulfil. That will just lead to them resenting the times she “let’s them down”. It will be enough for them that “Nanny is coming with us today, we will have a lovely time” and it will be a bonus of Nanny really engages with them, rather than “when we take Nanny with us, she will do x,y,z with you”.

Mothers are humans, we all have different personalities. What you describe is more related to her personality, she sounds indecisive, up and down with her emotions, differing energy levels and focus (menopause or mental health problem maybe?) Likes some adult time with her daughter which there is nothing wrong with. What you're describing doesn't sound like someone who isn't a good mother.

Gosh I have only read the first post but she sounds to me like she has lived her life with undiagnosed ADHD!

Op can I ask if you've always had an 'off' feeling about your mum for as long as you remember, but your brain tried to make sense of it by making it all seem normal, and like you were the problem? I'm in my 40s and over thr past decade have been slowly realising that my mother has some kind of serious issue where she cannot relate to anyone. Conversation feels incredibly awkward. She often seems very disinterested in me, seems competitive with me, just wants to tell me compliments that people have given her or be complimented and sees the entire universe through the lens of her opinions. Now I'm a mother, I imagine saying some of the things to my kids that she has said to me and it just feels so alien...like why would I say that??? I understand you OP. I believe that if you are questioning if your mother is like a normal mother, then there is a part of you that hasn't been mothered and is worth exploring. I have an absolutely amazing father and never question if his fathering is like other people's because it feels 'right'. It's not a question. My mum is.

Sounds very hard, frustrating, and confusing, OP.

I’m wondering if there’s some sort of personality disorder going on, not just ADHD… EUPD perhaps? Maybe both.

It’s natural that now you’re a mum, you’re feeling and noticing this more, and finding it more challenging to make it work for your life where it is. Her unpredictability is impacting on more now than it was before, and will continue as your children get older.

No advice really, apart from don’t take it personally, have realistic expectations, and don’t let it harm your children’s self worth as they become more aware of how their granny may be sometimes.

If you can find a way to embrace the randomness, even better!

Good luck!!

Wow, I could have written this. Word for word!

There’s no such thing as typical Mum behaviour. Mums are people and people are all different. I think it’s a big leap to suggest diagnoses from someone being described by another person online but from what you say it does sound as if your mother has either a mental health issue or some form of neurodiversity or is drinking. It doesn’t sound as if there’s any predictability or stability with her.

This is interesting for me to read - my mum is similar. I do think she loves us. But she isn’t really interested. When she does occasionally do something helpful or nice, I often later discover that her friend said they’d done it for their child/grandchild and she simply wants to ‘compete’.

I’m pretty sure she’s neurodivergent in some way, but perhaps quite narcissistic too?

Also, just to add, to manage it I have to constantly tell her that we’re having a nice time. Sounds weird but she thinks we should be constantly ‘doing’ 1,000 things - cooking something fancy, when there’s food going to waste already; or going out even though it’s lunch time and the kids are ratty. I have to tell her it’s nice to just spend time together or she starts getting weird.

Also, I make polite excuses and leave if she’s had a drink because she gets too much - all of her limited impulse control goes once she’s had even one drink.

Our mums our humans.

there isn’t a typical mother.

not all mothers are motherly.

but she is your mum and you may or may not be able to tell if her behaviour is normal for her. As in her the person, not her the “mother”

I've realised that my mother has autism, among other things. A therapist suggested it and since she said it, I can't unsee it. For many years I thought I was neurodiverse but as time has gone on, I realise that I'm neurological but was raised by someone with a neurodiversity, as well as what I think is massive personality damage due to her past trauma. I always thought I had a massive issue with spontaneity as I would freak out at sudden change...lookong back, I only freaked out because i was conditioned to know that she couldnt handle it and it would stress us all out. This has been very damaging to me, but since I had children and moved away from her I realise that I'm actually very neurotypical. I feel like my mum sees me as some annoyong little sister who shenis in competition with but also who she feels she has rights over that she doesnt. I don't know if you relate to any of this but if you do, I'm sorry.

Again, I could have written this! I’ve also had therapy and I also thought I was ND. You’re absolutely right about change that was how I was conditioned too. When in reality I’m actually quite calm. Since I’ve grown up and had a family it’s almost as if I’ve grown again into the person I actually am. Very bizarre to try and explain to anyone but I feel like you get EXACTLY what I mean. Thank you so so much for taking the time to share your experience with me - It has been very reassuring.

Not at all. It's been reassuring for me too. I always felt like on paper my childhood was fine and I have lots of memories of my mother doing caring, motherly and even very thoughtful things through the years and yet I always felt like something inside of me was very sad and unseen. It has all been very confusing and scary to figure it all out but also quite validating to realise it wasn't ever me.

Another one chiming in.
no. It’s not normal.

it was having kids for me that really highlighted it for me, I’m now LC with her and by default my lovely dad.
One thing I struggle with is birthday and Mother’s Day cards. They all say “best mum” and things like that. But she’s not.

What do you mean by “immature emotional development “?

Sometimes she’s critical of an item we buy next week it’ll be “that’s a good idea.” Over the same item.

I have ADHD (and autism) and I can’t fathom this!

Also, the not listening and then changing the subject - I make a very conscious effort to not do this, as I’m aware it can come across as hurtful. Have you flagged her behaviour to her OP? She may be genuinely unaware.

@BoiledCaulifloweri think it is is totally normal for kids to accept their parents with their flaws. They think everyone’s life is the same. It is only when you get out into the world and you see other peoples “normal” you can see how far off centre you are. Our home was always messy and chaotic, I went to uni and it was more tidy, then I lived with flatmates and finally my husband… all the feedback you get from the people you live with makes you realise things were off. As well as what you see yourself.

When you become a mother I think you put a magnifying glass on yourself and how you behave and it is natural to compare where you have come from. There are a lot of things my mother did that I could never imagine doing but she had more kids much younger. On some level i think she tried the best she could with the skills and mental health that she had. I think if shad had less kids and a job she would have been much better. Also she was in a time where people were less competitive and educated on parenting. I do try and be kind because I know she really did shine from time to time, just never consistently. You had to always be on high alert to get the good version, but sometimes it just wasn’t in your control at all.

fast forward to today,I feel like she absolutely 100 feels judged by us and that makes her try to be someone she isn’t and therefore she always just never really delivers. She is kind of in a heightened state or something.

my mother expects us to be enormously grateful for something like cooking a dinner and if you get the level of praise wrong you are in the dog house. She can kind of fly off the handle or sulk or be really nice and have a fantastic fast wit. You just don’t know what you will get.

My mother always wants me to go on holiday with my children and her to her holiday home…. It is 5.5 hours drive. I just can’t do it because i feel too vulnerable. I have too many priorities now, I can’t pander to her every need and try and always be two steps ahead of what she may or may not want in a way I could before kids. With children you need to plan, with my mother it is impossible to plan even something like dinner. She won’t commit to a plan and follow through. She can can change her mind because a tiny thing wasn’t quite the way she had hoped. sometimes it is almost like she isn’t honest about why she has changed her mind, so you can’t be part of the process… you are just a pawn. I used to think when I had a 3 year old child that my mother was kind of the same as them.

I know I keep saying this, but again - ditto!

What's your relationship with your dad like?

There is a very good book “adult children of the emotionally immature” that does a good job if describing the behavior rather than categorizing the person as having a label irca condition. Lots of people, for good readon , reject labels like narcissistic or borderline but can easily identify emotional immaturity. Its totally stage appropriate for you g children but becomes problematic when a person’s age or social role (e.g. parent) requires them to be able to manage disappointment, handle conflict, have good memory, have insight, etc…

I was going to suggest early onset Alzheimers, but you say she's always been like that then maybe not. My Mum has Dementia and she bought new dining room furniture, new carpets, replaced the range cooker, got a new car - all things that were fairly new anyway. Now we know why but there was no reasoning with her at the time.

Maybe you should try going out with her and just have 1 or 2 drinks (or soft drinks!) and see what happens. Otherwise make some boundaries for yourself, it sounds like that's what's she's doing in a round about way.

YANBU. My Mum used to talk about the things my Granny (her Mum) did, having my older cousins over for fish and chips on Fridays etc to give my Aunts and Uncles a night off. I had no expectations, but got the impression she wanted to do this and she said she would be more involved if we moved closer. We moved closer - and saw her less. She became jealous of my lifestyle (we could afford a lovely forever home, which she had not expected) so I began a different type of relationship with her.

I know exactly what you mean. The cards are the worst and it takes forever to find one with the least gushy-ness. Thankfully there are 'with Love on Mothering Sunday' cards and blank inside 🙏

It's clear that Philip Larkin was right 'They fck you up your Mum and Dad. They may not mean to but they do . . . '.

It's clear from these comments that 'normal' doesnt exist. A healthy loving relationship is all we are left wanting.

i really believe it has taught me to be a better mum. I know what not to do! I use the parents of friends I had growing up as templates and role models.