do people think this is normal behaviour

[ReapersSideKick]

I go to groups for anxiety during my time going to groups I became what i thought was freinds with 2 other people who go to groups and we talked on fb. both admited that they saved all our chats which i didnt feel confortable with as i told them things in confidance private things and if i had known they were saving the chats i wouldnt have told them this personal stuff. just curious what other people think

You keep referring to ‘being there’ for people - how you were there for your friends, whereas they are not being there for you.

What do you actually mean? What is going on in your life - apart from your deep-rooted anxiety - that results in your need for others to…… do what exactly?

By the way, I agree with others’ suggestions that you would benefit from individual rather than group therapy.

Honestly if this is what youre like, are you surprised they dont want to spend time with you? Christ on a bike...

I agree. The sad truth is someone experiencing their own mental illness is not best placed to help and be a rock for someone else who's mental health is in a bad place. Then what occurs is joint rumination over the problems they're experiencing and it can very easily turn into "the world and other people are shit and they don't get us" its human behaviour when birds of s feather flock together. It feels comfortable to relax into that mindset but ultimately it's detrimental. The uncomfortable option is usually the right one when it comes to mental health recovery (once again speaking from experience) I have to be like my own army officer!

I remember once in my more naive days, in one of these groups, I had several needy blokes think we could become star crossed lovers bonding over our struggles as we understood each other. The thought absolutely horrified me. I couldn't deal with my own mess of a head, let alone take on someone else's. In the end I married someone who has rock solid mental health/high self esteem. Sure, it has its disadvantages, you're never going to get that understanding . But I need the kick up the arse to stay level deep down. The worst thing for me would have been to be partnered up with someone who shared the same bloody struggles.

Reaper, you say you expected them to be there for you to watch a movie or just keep you company, but did you even communicate that expectation to them?

If not, how were they supposed to know that that’s what you wanted? People are not mind readers.

In answer to your original question, yes I do think that is normal. I think evidenced by the majority of replies here most people don’t delete their messages.

enrich i dont need to go into that because going on previous posts from others it doesnt matter how i answer it itll be dismissed or my words will be twisted but i will say its self explanitory if somebody says theyve been there for others

ok squish and enrich ill give you two examples of how i was there for one of this couple and another person in group who i havent mentioned i remember the bf being verbally abused at a bus stop i defended him verbally against the person verbally attacking him the person doing that said there was nothing wrong with the bf although he has mobility issues the person said it was just an act i wont go into what else was said as i dont want to lose my account there was another time there was another woman in one of the groups who was in hospital for two months due to a stomach op where she had the op her stomach kept bleeding and getting infected thats why they kept her in so long at one point they thought they had to operate again but didnt i was the only one from any of the groups to go visit her literally every couple of days for that two months so she had company and taking her stuff and this is exactly why i would never do for anybody again because when ive needed people nobodys interested apart from me telling them whats going on but theres no support then when i tell people ive been there for others like i have been on here im a liar thats how ive been made to feel

jelly to me itd be common sense if you see somebody in need specially a freind then your there for them what planet do u lot live on

Chats are automatically saved on Facebook. People don’t go out of their way to save them.

You sound a little paranoid and you’re thinking too much into this.

I think you have to do as you would be done by, not as you have been done (to channel Charles Kingsley.) This does mean you probably give out more than you get back, but life is not always balanced, and if you know how it feels to be treated poorly - well, I couldn't live with myself if I knew I was the deliberate cause of that feeling in others. It doesn't mean saying yes all the time, but it's possible to say no kindly.

not paranoid at all ive told people things in confidance in the past and been let down by them telling others whats been said that happens so theres no paranoia

nah eb i wouldnt do for anybody when ive hit rock bottom and nobodys been there theyve just been interested in gossip then i get an attitude on here for expecting people i consider freinds to be there for me when ive done for them apparantly thats unreasonable and im an ahole for thinking like that then ive been made to feel ive done nothing for anybody nah never again

Kindly @ReapersSideKick you can’t judge everyone on the behaviour of shitty people from your past.

Not everyone is going to do you wrong however maybe just use this as a lesson and don’t talk about deep stuff over messages. Save it for a coffee meet up :)

nah dasy i dont trust anyone im off now im done with this board

Friendships are not transactional. You don't add up 'you owe me points' when you do someone a kindness off your own back OP.

The kind of friendship you're looking for takes time to get that deeper connection. It's not gained by sticking up for someone or visiting them in hospital.

It doesn't seem like those groups are meeting your needs. You're trying to force something that needs to happen naturally.

This thread is horrendous......

The OP is clearly vulnerable. It's quite obvious wouldn't you say if she's explaining these scenarios. And she's called paranoid a few times?

No, this isn't being paranoid ffs. This is her realising after the fact that people can't really be trusted and maybe her senses tell her things about this person she doesn't know well enough that are a bit of a red flag.

And then weird snotty replies come in here - to someone in this clearly vulnerable position - because she's not replying as you would all like.

It's fish wifery on steroids. Horrible.

thanks for proving my point gamer i was asked at least twice what i had done for others as i had said i been there for others i reluctently gave two examples said that whatever i said would be twisted youve proved my point its sad that mumsnet is there supposedly for people to help each other but all people can do is act like this

‘Am I being unreasonable’ really isn’t here to provide support. An overwhelming number of posters think you’re being unreasonable. You can either choose to take that on board or ignore it and carry on.

You asked if you were being unreasonable OP, the vast majority of people including myself have said yes you are. If you don’t think you were and aren’t prepared to accept otherwise, why post here? If you only want to hear your own opinions you would be better off not asking the internet.

Kindly, OP, this is you. You seem to have misunderstood the point of groups for anxiety sufferers and the purpose of Mn, which is just a chat forum. You also posted in AIBU which is famously the most combative board on Mn. Maybe in future post on MH.

But in answer to your question, it's your behaviour that isn't 'normal'. Most people don't delete chats. And you sound paranoid and aggressive.

It's not clear whether there's any basis for you considering people from your anxiety group as friends, either. Suffering from the same MH problems is not necessarily a sound basis for any kind of friendship. Do you even like these people? Have you known one another a long time? Do you meet socially outside the group? Defending someone's boyfriend from 'verbal abuse' at a bus stop doesn't constitute a friendship. Neither does visiting someone in hospital. Both were arguably kind things to do, but friendship isn't that transactional.

I seem to be an outlier in that I always delete chats once they're done!

I’ve never deleted a chat on anything aside from exes. I don’t save them but never occurred to me to delete them

Gamer didn't twist it though.
You have said a few times on this thread that you thought they should have come round and watched films with you because you supported them previously. Almost as if it were 'owed'.
People are trying to help you understand that a) friendships don't work like that b) you help people because you want to, not to store up credit and c) people you have met at a group for people seeking mental health support, are probably not best placed to be the support you are looking for.

Oh, and MN isn't there supposedly for people to help each other. It is an internet forum which people use for all sorts of different reasons in all sorts of different ways. It has different areas for different purposes. There is loads of support in all sorts of areas of MN - including Relationships and Mental Health boards, but you chose to as if you were being unreasonable. This board is known for being a bit more robust and will give you honest opinions. Which actually do help some people, but the board isn't there 'for people to help each other'.
Despite that, many people have been very supportive on this particular thread.

This. It never occurred to me to delete them.

What do you mean by done? My chats are with close friends and they’re never really done. We just ramble 9n some more the next day.

Well I suppose just at the end of a specific topic. My chats ramble too but I don’t feel the need to keep them forever and it’s probably not a good idea to have years worth of info on your phone like that, although maybe that’s a bit paranoid! It’s not like I’m going to scroll through years of random chats, so I delete them whenever it feels appropriate.