do people think this is normal behaviour

[ReapersSideKick]

I go to groups for anxiety during my time going to groups I became what i thought was freinds with 2 other people who go to groups and we talked on fb. both admited that they saved all our chats which i didnt feel confortable with as i told them things in confidance private things and if i had known they were saving the chats i wouldnt have told them this personal stuff. just curious what other people think

joy i apologise then i was refered to a mental health nurse by doctor at that appointment i was told it was a one of i was refered to an online course to help with anxiety which i find generic as it doesnt cater for anybodys personal needs and was told about groups i already go to i feel with the groups the staff are only there for pay cheques and theres no real privacy when you try and talk about anything personal theres no other rooms to go to where u can talk to staff one on one people can over hear whats been said theres a guy that goes to one of groups for the last couple of weeks hes been open about feeling down asking people including staff if this is as good as it gets one member of staff came in one day asked the guy how he was and the other member of staff said not to worry about him he was laughing earlier but just before the member of staff turned up i heard the guy speaking to others in group saying he was feeling down they dont care if you laugh theres nothing wrong with you the staff seem to be dismissive

Christ, I have enough actual admin in my life without creating unnecessary admin tasks like deleting Facebook messages.

Your friend and her partner have done nothing wrong. I appreciate that you have issues but that doesn't excuse you being so demanding.

I think when it comes to saving chats the key point is whether it’s done actively or passively. If chats automatically save and you have to actively delete them then saving them is passive. So no one is deliberately saving your messages, they just haven’t deleted them, which is pretty normal for a lot of people, myself included. If the messaging service you were using automatically deleted messages after a certain time and you had to make a point of deliberately saving them then I’d understand being upset that someone was saving them, though you do always need to be aware that this is a possibility. However, I think you’re being really unfair to object to someone “saving” your messages when actually all they’ve done is not delete them. You made an assumption about what they would do, based on what you yourself would do, and that assumption was wrong. They are not at fault here. Just politely say you’d like them to delete your messages.

I appreciate from your other posts that there is more going on here. But your original point about deleting messages is unreasonable.

I’m not on fb but my WhatsApps go back many years.

im not being demanding at all if im there for others i dont see anything wrong with expecting them to be there for me as i said before its not like i expected them to do much just watch movies together and give me company to help take my mind of stuff how the heck is that demanding?

@ReapersSideKick I believe you. The NHS is diabolical.

Private counsellors can offer discounts for people on low income. It's no criticism at all in my eyes to suggest therapy. I love it. I love how much I have helped myself through it. But I accept I had to find it and pay because the NHS offering would probably drive me to insanity.

If you have anxiety and MH struggles with a difficult past, you can over share information with people. You just want someone to listen to you and you want to feel heard. It's completely understandable. Yet people can't be totally trusted. And you feel anxious worrying they'll tell people even if they are decent. That's my reason for suggesting therapy. Then you have somewhere for the very private stuff to be safely heard and you'll get the support you are seeking ❤️

thanks for the advice joy i feel your the only one who hasnt judged and taken me seriously i apreciate that

im off to bed thanks for your advice joy

MN is incredibly cruel and unkind when you're feeling vulnerable and put yourself out there.

I delete all my stuff online btw! I don't have enough storage space, I don't like clutter either. That's the only reason though.

A friend once pulled up a conversation from about 5 years ago on her WhatsApp. It was regards me. I felt a little weird about it tbh.

So no there's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about logged chats. People don't by habit delete them though. The general rule is to not put anything in writing and then you won't worry.

Try forget it and move on. The likelihood is it's old fish paper mentally in the friends' mind. It's a good idea not to mention it again to her. If anyone deliberately shared that, I would say it's only a very poor reflection on them and not you at all.

MN posters will just wind you up on this thread. I'd try step away from it.

thanks joy i appreciate your advice wish more were like you ok im off im getting tired

Firstly, I never put anything in digital format that I wouldnt want to be shared with the worldz unless it is someone I trust with my life, like my mum or best friend. Even then I wouldnt put anything in digital format that was particuarly sensitive.
Second, I never delete anything and don't think many people ever do.
Therefore, step 1 is really important.
If you don't want it shared, don't write it online in any form.

I hate to say it : but it's a manifestation of your anxiety.

I'm not unsympathetic as I myself have suffered and can get paranoid about things. (Mine usually manifests differently though )

My friends anxiety manifests similar to yours to the point it can be a little frustrating. She'll keep her conversations with me quite superficial at times and then will drop her guard and tell me something (which will be completely banal like her husband once got drunk and was sick ) and then try to backtrack and say "can you not mention to anyone that I told you Paul was sick 10yrs ago after consuming alcohol " and then go into 'shutdown' mode and stick to small talk. Even though I'd long forgotten about 'paul' and the painfully boring non-event, less so repeat it 🙄. It kind of closes off the intimacy of the friendship and it's insulting that I'm assumed to be potentially untrustworthy. If she told me she's buried Paul under the compost heap I could understand the paranoia.

Anyway, you may or may not take something from that story.

Also, read 'the chimp paradox ' that books a game changer for anxiety) paranoia etc.

That’s not what your op is about though? You asked if you were being unreasonable to expect people to delete conversations from SM and people replied unanimously, yes. You didn’t ask about whether your friends should support you because you apparently supported them.

swing somebody accused me of being demanding by expecting those freinds to be there for me that was my response

squish all i can say is you dont personally know me or my situation so dont make assumptions

I’d never be bothered to delete a chat, I just let them run!

Ps this is a controversial opinion : but I'm not a fan of "groups" for things like anxiety/depression. (Although even physical health problem groups can get like this too ) As I think it encourages "unwell" people to group together and wallow in their unhealthy mindsets collectively not really being beneficial for the original issue.

I'm saying that as someone who has had a lifelong battle with my own mental health.

I've found mixing with people with solid mental health and good outlooks/"sorted" lives more beneficial as it gives you positivity and ideas on what they're doing that perhaps I'm not doing. "Sick" people can't really help other "sick" people when it comes to mental health. I never find the "group" thing a positive thing in this sense. You need to get out of your mindset not more into it. It's kind of self "tough love ". I'm aware that may be unpopular but I am speaking from experience there.

I’ve never deleted a conversation unless I’ve broken up with someone or I’m not friends with them anymore. Sometimes I do need to refer back to them e.g partner’s name, birthday or what date something happened.
As another poster said I think you would do much better with private 1 on 1 therapy as you can say whatever you want with confidentiality and the person’s sole job is to support and help you. They might fit more of the boundaries that you expect. If you google “low cost therapy” and your main problem then you’ll find lots of options, especially if you’re willing to do it online. I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but sometimes when you bond with people over MH they don’t always have the bandwidth to be very present in a friendship

Tbh you're being controlling asking to delete chats, kicking off they aren't spending time with you. Ask people nicely to hang out or spend time together, never write anything you wouldn't want screen shotted to be used against you.

Write in your notes to offload, then You can delete as you like! Everyone is dealing with their own problems, sorry you're having a hard time but I never delete chats!! I also never re read them.

That's a very snippy response to a well thought out post. I was attempting to help , but feel you're in a defensive mindset on this thread so I won't say anymore.

I think the vast majority of people keep chats. Like pretty much 100%

I agree. I think 'controlling' is the right word. That's why I suggested the chimp paradox book :it shows you why you behave/think the way you do and how it's often based on the emotive thinking part of your brain and not the logical one and how to change it. Once you're aware of your own psychological processes and how to counteract them life is so much easier. But the op didn't want to know.

Same, I can search and see messages going back years. I certainly wouldn't be deleting messages as I go along.

I never delete anything

yes, lesson learned

Kindly, but if send a letter to someone, or send an online message, it's there and can be shared.
Even snapchat and the like can be screen-shot and kept. I am not sure why people would bother, but nothing is that private.

I don't think anyone ever bothers to delete a chat.

Reminds me of people thinking a facebook group is a safe group -when there are 10 000 members!, or that MN is a safe bubble.